Vulnerability

I was pondering this today and talked about it in chat.

Being vulnerable scares me as it does a lot of people.
To be vulnerable with someone you pretty much have to trust them COMPLETELY.
So if we are scared to be vulnerable to out own thoughts and emotions...
Does that mean we don't trust ourselves?

I think a lot of it has to do with confidence, which ties in with trust. I believe some of us lack the confidence to know how to handle certain thoughts and emotions. I think we don't trust that we have the ability to overcome certain situations, thoughts, emotions, etc. Maybe because it is because we are facing something new and like any new relationship, it takes time and work to build that trust.

IMO vulnerability has everything to do with trusting ourselves, and very little to do with other people.

If you trust someone completely (does this even exist?), then you're not really being vulnerable when sharing or being with them, you're just playing in that trust.

I think you build trust by being vulnerable, and intrinsic in that is the knowledge that you will likely be hurt, disappointed or unheard.

You've got to be able to trust yourself and your ability to handle it when those inevitable hurts occur.

That trust in yourself opens the door to trusting others.

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

Interesting topic! I think people naturally have weaknesses and it makes me uncomfortable when they don't understand them, or try to understand them. Admitting to vulnerability seems way more honest all around. Nobody is perfect.

I love that Brene Brown clip by the way. Think about the characters you are drawn to in books movies or TV. They are not the ones that are perfect. We are drawn into the gaps of people. I think she's really onto something

Brene Brown has very much influenced the way I approach life. There is wisdom to be had from her studies and opinions. IMO.

This makes a lot of sense. I believe a lack of trust forms when we are disappointed as we make ourselves vulnerable and trust builds when our vulnerability is not taken advantage of.

Trusting one's self has a lot to do with the willingness to put the effort into reaching out and experiencing life, learning, and expressing ourselves freely without allowing others to injure our self esteem. We have to be willing to accept that we are not going to make all the right decisions as in life there is no real certainty.

Trusting ourselves means that we have decided to set our own boundaries and we are going to make sure that those boundaries are not crossed by others. And in setting our own boundaries, if they are broken by others we will have trust in ourselves to walk away just as strong as we were before the boundary was crossed. We must trust that our boundaries are to protect ourselves and are reasonable and protects our individuality and self esteem and willingness to express ourselves.

Trusting ourselves means that we are going to have the strength to say no to others that try to push us into doing something we know is not right for us. And we must trust that is we feel in our gut that something is not right, a person, a situation, a relationship and we will walk away without shame.

Trusting ourselves means that we will remain open to growth in life and be willing express ourselves. We will accept that not everyone is going to like us or respect us but we must remain steadfast in our will to push forward in our hopes and dreams inspite of the actions of others, we will remain strong.

Trusting ourselves means that we have made a conscious decision to be our own caretaker and do our best to avoid partaking in things that are not healthy for us. Wether it means not chosing to hang with a group of negetive people or not participating in negetive activities just because others choose to do so. And if that means we stand alone, than so be it, because we have the right to choose our own path in life.

Trusting ourselves is being willing to accept that others that come across our path may try to lie to us, cheat us, steal from us and even disrespect us, but we can remain positive within ourselves in spite of others.

And Trusting ourselves will mean that we will remain open to new ideas and information that will help us on our path. And we are strong and understand that we may have struggles that others will not understand, but if we search within to understand our issues ourselves we can over come them and that we are never going to be perfect but the point is to be perfectly fine and do our best to fulfill our goals and give ourselves every chance to do so. I means that we shall never say to ourselves "I cant" instead we will continue to say "I shall try".

Open Eyes

"To be vulnerable to someone you pretty much have to trust them completely"

Devils' Advocate here...I have lain myself open time and time again to others; and I have always known that I would be hurt in the end...I do/did not trust when I am/was open and vulnerable.

I expect to be hurt. I do it anyway. It's okay though. I am secure in myself; I love myself enough...if I didn't risk getting hurt; I wouldn't be living. I'd be what I used to be: an empty entity who does not participate in life at all.

I figure it this way; if I have no expectations, and then something good does happen (Heaven Forbid), I'm there to reap the happiness of it all.......Pax---theo

(sorry, I didn't watch the video, I'll get to it)

It's a good video. And I was extra pleased with it because much of it I already know for myself, I still liked her presentation of it, and gave me some stuff to ponder.

I would like to add to what Theo says, that it is not so much knowing that we will be hurt (judged, rejected, laughed at, mocked, shrugged off, ignored, etc), but allowing that to be a possible outcome. It is like reaching out to a lost dog that you want to help, you may get bitten or you may get your hand licked, but you don't know. Would you reach out only if you could be 100% sure that you won't get bitten? Then you'll never reach out. Not that it's as easy with our heart. Sheesh, I know. I spent my life in hiding and avoiding.

But back to original question. It's not exactly that we are scared of the vulnerability. We are too scared to be vulnerable. And thinking that we need to be sure of others first is what stands in a way. It is chicken and egg thing. If we do not drop our defenses we will never be able to trust. To me this is where the spiritual aspect comes in. Perhaps we can't trust others, but we can trust God/Higher Self/Universal Love that all that's happening is what should be happening, that the obstacles and stumbling blocks on our path ARE our path, that if we open up and get trodden on that that's what's supposed to be, and that it needs not destroy us. For every story of a person mangled by some horrible life event, there is a story of one to whom that was crux of incredible personal growth. It is not true that if someone betrays us, we will never be able to trust another. We may keep telling ourselves that, but it's a lie. There are lots of shared cultural lies that suck the living out of us.

And are we too scared of ourselves to be true with ourselves? Well, that's probably so. We often do judge ourselves more harshly than we would ever allow anyone else to judge. We demand of ourselves to "be perfect", struggle and constantly punish ourselves for failure, forgetting we already already are perfect. I am perfect me (you would make a very lousy me, btw) and you are perfect you (and I would make an equally lousy you). Why should we try to be someone else, this Perfect Person, whoever she is (except she doesn't exists, she is just another false story spun by our collective mind).

I see vulnerability in a few ways. One experience I had in early childhood, as a vulnerable little one, was to be abused by a parent. The experience was life shaping, as in the worst way. The impact on my brain develop charted a course for self-destruction and distrust latter on in life.

Another experience of vulnerability was trusting the (unknowing at the time) wrong people to care about and respect me as I grew older. Then again I learned to not allow others to draw close to me if fear of being abused yet again.

Currently I am finding the courage of my own capabilities to explore my world around me with an attitude of self-efficiency. This being an ability to allow others in, bit by bit. I found that as I develop a greater worth of self, I become less vulnerable to influences or actions of others that I interact with daily.

One beneficial offshoot of greater self-worth is the ability to discriminate between the helpful and unhelpful people I interact with.

Its a long process for me with progress and digress along the way. To know that I have the power to change my response and control my interaction with the world is greatly grafting. In conclusion, being powerless was debilitating, empowerment is the course for a cure to me.

A vulnerable child, a frail elder, or even a person alone on a dark street that is physical vulnerability. When people are violated it'll affect whole person.

As I understand the original question, and certainly Brene Brown presentation are dealing with emotional vulnerability. People who haven't been abused or violated, and are just scared of rejection or ridicule or some such.

I am very happy for you that you chose to seek ways to heal, and that you are progressing. It is very couragous. And thank you for bringing empowerment to the discussion. It is crucial, isn't it?

I am getting sense that this vulnerability we are after is some sort of warrior vulnerability (warrior of a peaceful kind). Empowered vulnerability?

You are an inspiration to all of us! Your beautiful statement about "helpful vs. unhelpful people" is life changing when put it into action. It hurts sometimes to find out that blood relatives and close friends may be toxic personalities for us. I am all about approaching the world with a good heart but we also need to place more emphasis on keeping a sound mind as well. If your mind is distracted with chaos and darkness it is all the more challenging to stay on the right track. Surround yourself with those who you emulate and admire and your world will instantly become a better place. I so agree with you...Thank you for your post

I ended up questioning the idea of:

I had to developed a sense of "self" to really question what was going on at the time of my abuse.

In my early experiences with trust, yes I believed I was vulnerable. As for sharing my trust, I might have been playing. Such early years of being...I'm not sure.

As I started to form trust, vulnerability was natural at the time..me thinks. The knowledge part. I'm not to sure about that part as it relates to my circumstances. I did however get very badly hurt...I can relate to that.

Here's the empowerment part, as I see this. I do have to trust myself as a base to judge the capacity of others to have a somewhat trust in themselves. I also have to evaluate the limits that these others are trustworthy. From there I can move to deeper relationship issues of giving and receiving love.

As all ways topics of vulnerability and such run deep within each individual and their circumstances.

I hope my efforts to further expand on my thoughts with the OP's original post in mind helps you to see my take on the discussion Sunna.

May we all heal in ways that have meaning to each of us .

As usual it dose take me time to "understand" questions poised at me. Emotional vulnerability, from a non-abusive relationship or violated. Very interesting to me for sure..

I'm now thinking, rejection and ridicule of an anticipated relationship with others? Yes I can see now that would be potentially fearful. Its the fear born from...whatever hindrance rooted in insecurity, that brings on a state of vulnerability. Or not I'm not sure.