[P]sychologist and mindfulness teacher Tara Brach says that “If we cannot embrace our own frightened and vulnerable hearts, we cannot love our world.” http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindfu...f-unworthiness

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D., tells us:

In a world often devoid of a true sense of community, we grow up searching for how to belong. Social isolation is our greatest fear and many of us grow up with the mantra “There’s something wrong with me” feeding a cycle of unworthiness and shame. How we relate to our “frightened and vulnerable hearts” makes all the difference.

Imagine if you grew up in a world where the expression of your vulnerabilities and fears was met with someone just listening to you non-judgmentally and with a sense of really caring. How would you feel? If I had to guess, I would say safe and secure.

Imagine if you truly understood that deep down everyone shares these vulnerabilities and fears. How would you feel? My guess is connected.

The foundation of mental health is feeling safe, secure and connected.

Dr. Goldstein goes on:

When we run away from our fears and vulnerabilities by either shutting down, turning to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling or checking out with our phones, we send ourselves the message that we are “not worth” paying attention to, feeding a cycle of unworthiness. When we’re able to locate that feeling and wrap it around a caring awareness, we send the message that we are “worth” paying attention to, feeding a cycle of worthiness.

It’s really that simple, but the practice isn’t easy because it’s flying in the face of very old and rigid beliefs about how you see yourself.

My engagement with mental illness has been an enigma. I have worked hard to understand shame, unworthiness, disconnect, cognitive distortions, negative chatter, fear, anger, vulnerability, resiliency, authenticity, forgiveness, etc., only to be told by professionals I did not understand the misadventures in my thought processes and may not have a personality capable of ever understanding.

My dilemma has been to put into motion steps that I believed would help me based on my perception, no matter how flawed. Doing something has always been the key for me, even when it left my therapist shaking his head.

Now, I am weary of the battle to understand. I accept I made many decisions that were less than ideal. Yet, to the surprise of many, I am still alive and still messing up. Even so, I have learned a bit along the way.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Now, I am weary of the battle to understand. I accept I made many decisions that were less than ideal. Yet, to the surprise of many, I am still alive and still messing up. Even so, I have learned a bit along the way.

I think this is a wonderful summation of the individual human condition in general. We may never fully understand ourselves, we certainly will never understand those around us,

and the world and our place in it? Ah if a man's reach should but exceed his grasp.....

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about, and studying the tenets of Buddhism.

I've come to the conclusion that the essential crux of that religion is
"don't even try to understand, just accept".

Perhaps a gross misunderstanding or oversimplification, but it works for me.

Seems to be a good way to live, at least on the micro level.

[OurLadysTears]

TheByzantine, for the little time that I've been here, your posts, information, and thoughts have always been helpful. Thank you!

[slowinmi]

Byz, what a wonderful post! I think we can all learn something from what you just said. The acceptance that we are flawed, but doing the best we can at the time helps so much in attempting self-forgiveness. For me, the understanding of my actions helps me to understand where the action originated - but unfortunately, it sometimes doesn't prevent it from happening again.

Thank you for the great wisdom and understanding you share with us.

[Willcat]

...Doing something has always been the key for me, even when it left my therapist shaking his head.

Now, I am weary of the battle to understand. I accept I made many decisions that were less than ideal. Yet, to the surprise of many, I am still alive and still messing up. Even so, I have learned a bit along the way.

I do try to understand my condition in so much that it leads to a plan of action. Yet my understandings are passive non-judgmental, at best. I try to allow my fears and apprehensions to rise in meditation. Then afterwards in contemplation, I hold my fears and such with compassion. What I have discovered is my fears are a path to freedom, liberation. I can be afraid as it challenges me to move forward in face of my fears. I find great satisfaction in moving through fears of mine, encouraging me to keep facing my fears. And I feel ok to have fears, their unconfortable, I'll shake sometimes, sweat, they don't seem to going away just yet...so I move with them.

Originally Posted by elliemay

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about, and studying the tenets of Buddhism.

I found Zen to suit me very well. Clear mind meditation has been a great tool to shut down my over active mind. As it relates to my fears, I feel my body and its reaction to fear wile my mind can just observe. Its a odd freedom somehow.

Its a walk in the right direction for me, even tho some things remain the same. I see them differently and some how I'm different.

[wing]

A thoughtful essay on her decision to abandon professional therapists?

[madisgram]

growing up i learned false beliefs about so many parts of self. irratational thoughts. i was unforgiving of myself yet could show compassion to others. i questioned why i was so "different". i intentionally hid those feelings and traits cause others seemed so much more put together than i. i didn't want them to know the real me. i accomplished this facade for any years.i dreaded rejection and felt ashamed.
i can relate to your thoughts re not understanding life as we feel others do. i've had to really learn to cope in order to get to the "understanding life" thing, comfortable with my surroundings, making sound decisions, feeling worthy or not and sociability. i very often don't know how to react to things or think quick enough to respond to others in an appropriate way. life confuses me. i feel i am too complex.
risk taking is better than doing nothing even if it flies back at us tho. i have often times asked my T how to handle something differently than i did. (i am intuitive enough to know his reaction is negative.) i have to write verbatim his more appropriate thought/response. then i go home and reread, reread it over and over to try to gain insight. it baffles me that i can't "see" things in the same light doing it on my own.
i like the quote re "Imagine if you truly understood that deep down everyone shares these vulnerabilities and fears." the problem lies in the fact that i don't believe that. simply put i feel different than others in general. i don't feel i am unique in a good way. far from it. i often feel weary too.
boy i am baring my soul in this post. so i am really glad you started this thread. perhaps you or i are not as "different" as we think. continuing to make some sense about life is a helpful start. to seek truth. otherwise we would not be 'living' at all.
on a side note my maudlin self loves this edna st.vincent saying, "life goes on. i forget just why." i need to continue to work on finding meaning and understanding in my life. meaning and understanding i can trust is healthier.

Byz,was there some of that coming directly from you,and some as a quote?If so,where is the divide?Just curious.

[Open Eyes]

Quote by TheByzantine : My engagement with mental illness has been an enigma. I have worked hard to understand shame, unworthiness, disconnect, cognitive distortions, negative chatter, fear, anger, vulnerability, resiliency, authenticity, forgiveness, etc., only to be told by professionals I did not understand the misadventures in my thought processes and may not have a personality capable of ever understanding.

My dilemma has been to put into motion steps that I believed would help me based on my perception, no matter how flawed. Doing something has always been the key for me, even when it left my therapist shaking his head.

Now, I am weary of the battle to understand. I accept I made many decisions that were less than ideal. Yet, to the surprise of many, I am still alive and still messing up. Even so, I have learned a bit along the way.

In your first paragraph the fact that a therapist may have stated that you may not have a personality capable of ever understanding is a statement on their inadequacy not yours. I am sure that when you first presented yourself to these therapists you were not at a point where you were truely ready to step back from your intellectual side and give in to
a reasoning you may have felt nothing but some kind of gimmic on their part. In other words, they apparently did not have an intellectual comeback for your obvious intellectual discontent with what you had experienced in your life thus far. You would have had to have someone that clearly understood your specific life experiences, like a mentor that had truely experienced a similarity of your past and what impact that had on you.

From what I know of you thus far, you have had a variety of life experiences that were very highly demanding on you. Your answer was to take the route of increasing your intellectual capacity to get beyond some of the most disappointing and twisted psychological experiences you had already faced. And in doing so believed that in spite of being disillusioned you would press forward and cut a path for any self reward you could find. And it doesn't mean that you proceeded on a clear conscious level of what that would entail. And that, my friend, is only revealed in hind sight.

As one reaches a point where the forward momentium is no longer psycholgically possible the review begins, and often because the opportunity to look back provides answers to all the questions that one did not truely see at the time, there are always regrets. But to be totally fair one must realize that review has the result and the actual experiences never had that.

Because the maze of efforts and all of the results are visible, if the end result is a view of all the things that one did not see, the unknown at the time, the inablitity to determine that at the time presents a great deal of anger. There will be an endless barage of questions like "Why did I never see that coming, Why, did I not know better, or I should have known better and the list can be very long.

The real truth was that you just never knew what was going to come next, no one ever does no matter how much you add any intellectual capacity to yourself. And the decisions that we all make are based upon an accumulation of life experiences up to each and every experience we have in life. And there are many variables that play into the decisions we made at the time of the presented events. And the list that is presented above is not always known during that process. And we must keep in mind, WE ARE WHAT WE KNOW.

On top of our own individual perceptions, there was no real way to truely understand the actions and true motivations of others that we came across in the process of making our efforts to proceed forward through our lives. And there can be a real anger that arises from that as well because hind site gives us a much better prospective about them as well. And then more questions come about our own lack of ability to see those different perceptions at the time. And that is because most of the time most people only see their own perceptions the clearest and almost always mistaken the perceptions of others. And the truth is, we are all unique and can often be self absorbed and truely do not see our own folly until hindsite takes place.

If you sit with a therapist during a period of great disenchantment of hindsight, there is little room for condolences and suggestions that will make any impact. The emotional state is not ready to express much more than sheer cynicism. Unfortunately this cynicism with all the negetive emotions vegetate in the brain and can lead to exhaution and discontent that prohibits one from having any desire to accept motivational thinking. And thus can lead to a prolonged period of depression.

It is only when one is finally able to turn into a more " humble" state that all the intelligence and disappointments of life can be finally addressed.
A conscious effort must be made to release the cynicism into this more "humbled state" where the release of the negetive self punishing emotions can be replaced with an acceptance and willingness to make a conscious effort to accept and proceed. And it is a slow process as the cynicism will return with even the slightest perceived failure.

All the intellectual capacity must be used to stay the course and in time can succumb to the constantly " humbling " process that allows for gradual acceptance and desire to release the past perceived failures and allow new positive events to take place. And that means that within even the slightest perceived failure a conscious effort must be made to control any cynicism to return. It takes TIME and PATIENCE and WILLINGNESS to LET GO. One must protect their personal integrity and not allow the negetive actions of others to make them question their humbleness and new search for strength in being productive. It must be a willingness to truely disengage from the cynicism the past has presented. As we cannot go back, we can only go forward and using our intellectual capacity to tanscend us to not only being humble but accepting ourselves and work on living life as it comes and being more humble about it and less cynical.

But you are not alone in this plight, it happens to many, I am in that many too. The frightened and vulnerable heart is within the humble heart. The cynicism is often the barrier we build to protect the heart. But it takes all the joy with it and it is very hard to overcome the cynicism.
One of the things that we all have to realize is we may continue to be disappointed with others.
It is how we allow that to affect us that has to change. Remaining humble requires just as much intellectual capacity as any other life task.

Open Eyes

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((TB)))))))))))))))))))))))))))thank you?-----Paxvobiscum---theo

[Open Eyes]

I just want to thank you again Byz. for all the threads you have been putting up for consideration. It often seems that as I am struggling with the many different puzzles in my life that have somehow gathered together in a daily struggle you have offered up food for ways of positive thought processes.

As I did have a lengthy reply to this topic I had to think about my own struggles with therapy. It was almost as if I somehow knew what I needed to hear and was often disappointed by the inability for most of the therapists to engage me in a positive direction. And to be honest, as I look back now I can see what they did miss and I have some built in cynicism about therapy itself. And that is why I wanted you to understand that while you may have been less than coopertive, you could have still been challenged and helped. And though you may still hold on to some of that cynicism I can see how you have begun to consciously make attempts at your own humbling process. And you have openly conceded that it is very challenging to do so. And I can stand in total agreement with that revelation.

And I do struggle with seeing life as it is and it is far from what I feel it should be. As your quote suggests and it can lend to madness if we allow it to, as life is very challenging in reality.
And that very statement is what can make the cynical part of us to have such a difficult time becoming humble. So what can one do to try to make the most of life, the rest of our lives? Well, we have a choice to either stay cynical for the duration or to agree to embrace our time left to humble us and use our intellectual capacity to accept our own inabilities or errors in our past as well as the errors of others.

Any human being that has made any contributions to mankind has had to go through this humbling process. One person I like to think about is Benjamin Franklin and how he was a good example of addressing other humans and how he aclimated himself beyond restricted perceptions. He would have made a good therapist I think, don't you? Perhaps if while participating in our goal for humbleness we remember that hat he wore while while politicing with the French. LOL

Open Eyes