[gr8ce]

Hello. I know that I need to start seeing a therapist, because I know that I've been getting worse. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression when I was around the age of 16. Since then I have only been to see one therapist, and only had 2 visits. I feel like I might be bi-polar, because my moods are all over the place. I get stuck in these awful depressions that last for weeks. I think of suicide sometimes, and I wonder if my existence was a mistake. I wonder if everything that has happened to me is God's way of saying, just end it already. Like God is really pushing me to my limit so that I kill myself, because I was never meant to be, or something...and I don't even follow an organized religion. So I really don't think I'd ever kill myself because I'm too much of a coward, brought up christian so I'm convinced that I'd go to hell. Then I have days where I feel like I'm on top of the world, nothing can touch me. I get so angry sometimes. I can literally feel the anger boiling beneath every inch of my skin, taking me over. I forget things sometimes, or someone will say something to me and it just won't register. I count steps as I walk up them, and I can't stand people (mostly men) getting too close to me. I don't like being touched by men I don't know...even if it's just a friendly pat on the back.
Sometimes I avoid social situations because I'm afraid of people looking at me too closely. I always feel that people are looking at me and thinking I'm stupid and ugly. Useless. I was never afraid of anything, and now it seems that most of the time I'm afraid of everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm not real. I feel like I'm fading, like I'm in and out of myself. I never liked the idea of being "labeled" by a "specialist", but now I think it might comfort me to know. Does that make any sense?

[MoxieMayhem]

Honestly, it could be more or less than bipolar disorder. I mean, it sounds like bipolar disorder, but you need a true assessment by a psychiatrist. A lot of these symptoms also mirror Borderline Personality Disorder. Some of it sounds like schizo-affective disorder. It's not a matter of "being labeled by a specialist", it's a matter of getting help for yourself. If you had breast cancer you'd go see an endocrinologist, right? Also, please seek help from a psychiatrist or mental health clinic, don't go to your family doctor. Once again, if you had cancer would you go see a dentist? My therapist put these things into perspective for me... I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, severe PTSD and ADHD, so I know your pain. You're never forced into taking medication, but for some mental health issues, it's a good idea to take them for a year or two, until through therapy you learn how to manage your symptoms =] Good luck, let us know how it works out for you!!!

[Korin]

It makes sense. And you come across as quite confused and in need of some answers. The only way you are going to get those answers is to talk to your own doctor. Tell him/her what you told us. Tell him/her you feel quite suicidal sometimes. The doctor will not ignore that. You could also ask to be referred to a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Sometimes writing down what you are experiencing and giving that to the doctor can help.

[MickG]

It doesn't sound strange to me at all. It is a familiar place to me. I can completely understand the need to feel "labeled" or "placed" in some way. It is a help when one feels lost to know they have some sort of gauge to where they are or may be even if it is just a "guide" to where they truly belong.

I hope you find a seriously cool therapist that you can speak with. I think it helps from time to time. Best wishes and be well. Thanks for the post.

[madisgram]

welcome to pc. i do believe you would benefit from seeing a therapist. many of us here have found it beneficial. meds may be recommended too. they have helped me remain balanced with my moods.
a word of caution from the site administrator..."Just a gentle reminder... No suicidal posts, please. Thank you."
this site is very supportive. we're glad u found us.