[Sabrina]

Three weeks ago my Mom moved in a house one house away from me. It has been the move from hell. The place was filthy filthy dirty and without us obviously knowing, totally cockroach infested. My husband and I have truly done everything within our power to make the move easier, including painting (which isn't finished yet) and other things. We had to pay for fumigators because she was living with millions of critters and this was sending her into depths of despair.

The point of this is........ my Mom is already suffering ill health that she REFUSES to be treated for. She has a number of niggly and persistent troubles that I think are looming in for something bigger. Since this move, she has been ill more often than not and for the second time in her life has experienced anxiety and melt downs too.

I have full access to her place and often pop in for a chat and a visit. Today is the second time I have gone over late afternoon to find her fast asleep. I just left. The first time it happened in the morning I wondered if she had died. Today I was terrified she had died in her sleep. But I didn't have the courage to check. I just left. Later, my son went over and found her groggy and feeling terribly sick with a sore throat and so on. I took over some meds for her.

But I thought she was dead! I am stupidly getting all these thoughts that I am going over to her house and will find her dead. There is nothing I can do to convince her to see the doctor.

I worry so much about her - I'm still shaking.

Sorry if this post is in the wrong place - but couldn't think of where else to post it.

[Omers]

Hugs.
My grandmother is in a similar state. She will see the doctors (she likes the attention). but then plays games with what she does and does not disclose and messes with her meds.
around if you need to talk

[greylove]

Ohhhhhhhhhhh ((((((((((((((((((((((((Sabrina)))))))))))))))))))))) What a truly frightening worry!!!! I know what you've been going through, and I know too, the issues that have been involved about your mother. I'm just not knowing what to say; no-one expected this move to be anything remotely like this. Has she always stayed away from doctors? Do you have any idea what that refusal to see one is all about? This is a wild card........but is it possible that your son could in any way influence her? Sort of like an intervention, with only one person intervening. Or the three of you. I'm just thinking that somehow that could maybe get through the wall she has put up around herself. I know your son is a young man. It may not be a possibility at all.
There's no way a monitor could make a difference, right? I'm grasping at straws.......you're in such a terrible position. Is there anyway she could stay with you just long enough to break the cycle of anxiety? Acckkk! This is a tough one. I hope that someone will offer ideas of substance.
I do know that fear of finding her dead. Many times I haven't been able to bring myself to knock on my son's door. There's such a panic that comes with that. Such a full blown fear, with good reason to feel it.
Sabrina, my heart hurts for you. I know everything you've been through; I know how hard you are trying. I'll keep coming back to you. Please be sure to let me know if there's any resolution. Or even if there are just baby steps taken in the right direction. Thinking of you........hugs.......grey

[lynn P.]

(((Sabrina)))) - I'm very sorry you're going through this stress. Would doctors in your area make house calls and why is she opposed to getting help? Do you know why she was groggy - is she on medication? I know what its like to be so stressed, you end up feeling shaky - this has happened a few times in my life. Maybe you can call first or have your son go in first, before you visit your mom. I don't know too much about your moms situation and I wish I had more suggestions. Make sure you take care of yourself during this intensely stressful time.

[Sabrina]

Originally Posted by Omers

Hugs.
My grandmother is in a similar state. She will see the doctors (she likes the attention). but then plays games with what she does and does not disclose and messes with her meds.
around if you need to talk

Omers, thanks for your understanding!

[Sabrina]

Originally Posted by greylove

Ohhhhhhhhhhh ((((((((((((((((((((((((Sabrina)))))))))))))))))))))) What a truly frightening worry!!!! I know what you've been going through, and I know too, the issues that have been involved about your mother. I'm just not knowing what to say; no-one expected this move to be anything remotely like this. Has she always stayed away from doctors? Do you have any idea what that refusal to see one is all about? This is a wild card........but is it possible that your son could in any way influence her? Sort of like an intervention, with only one person intervening. Or the three of you. I'm just thinking that somehow that could maybe get through the wall she has put up around herself. I know your son is a young man. It may not be a possibility at all.
There's no way a monitor could make a difference, right? I'm grasping at straws.......you're in such a terrible position. Is there anyway she could stay with you just long enough to break the cycle of anxiety? Acckkk! This is a tough one. I hope that someone will offer ideas of substance.
I do know that fear of finding her dead. Many times I haven't been able to bring myself to knock on my son's door. There's such a panic that comes with that. Such a full blown fear, with good reason to feel it.
Sabrina, my heart hurts for you. I know everything you've been through; I know how hard you are trying. I'll keep coming back to you. Please be sure to let me know if there's any resolution. Or even if there are just baby steps taken in the right direction. Thinking of you........hugs.......grey

Grey, thank you for always being there for me. You make a good point about my son maybe intervening. He got her to consider and eventually successfully give up smoking after 40 years, so maybe he could convince her to see a doctor. I have my doubts though, I have never met anyone more stubborn than my mother. Not even my husband and he takes the cake. Thank you so much for your comforting and kind words.

[Sabrina]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

(((Sabrina)))) - I'm very sorry you're going through this stress. Would doctors in your area make house calls and why is she opposed to getting help? Do you know why she was groggy - is she on medication? I know what its like to be so stressed, you end up feeling shaky - this has happened a few times in my life. Maybe you can call first or have your son go in first, before you visit your mom. I don't know too much about your moms situation and I wish I had more suggestions. Make sure you take care of yourself during this intensely stressful time.

Lynn, thank you for responding. Our doctor would not make a house call, this just does not happen in SA. But I am due to see him soon (Mom and I have the same doctor) and I am going to talk to him about how worried I am and see what options are available to us. My Mom was groggy because she admittedly took a sleeping med at 8 am thinking she could sleep away feeling so sick. Didn't help. She slept, but she woke up feeling as sick as before because she is sick. She admitted to me that Doc said she might have to have her tonsils out but she said no way, she can't be off work for that long. I asked her truthfully how long she could go with this sore throat before going to the doc and she said she doesn't care, she can't afford to go. I'm at my wits end with her stubbornness.

[Lostime]

I don't know what to say (((Sabrina))) just wanted to give you a cyber hug.

[Sabrina]

I am happy to say that my Mom was so much better today, though terribly pale and my goodness, so shakey, she spent the afternoon with me and ate a good lunch! Thanks for all your support!

[madisgram]

sabinai can totally relate to your fear. i felt the same way about my father dying all the time.
some suggestions-take a bouquet of flowers to her, can she take a walk in the neighborhood with you?, if you do visit and she's asleep leave a note you stopped by.
i know these are simple suggestions. sorry.
i guess with your mom not going to the doctors is her choice. as much as you love her she may not do it. but you can try to spend quality time with her. it can be comforting. sounds like you are a thoughtful loving daughter. i know this situation must make you feel sad.

[Perna]

I'm so sorry you are going through this with your mother; I had lots of those same things going on when my stepmother was going downhill, it's the #1 reason I started therapy again. She did a lot of sleeping, falling, etc. but fortunately I had my much older stepsister being "in charge" so I didn't feel quite so helpless except when it was just the two of us.

She doesn't have a doctor/won't go for a full checkup? Mine was part of a large military complex so, for awhile, got too many meds and too many doctors and little organization but, fortunately, my stepsister has nursing training so was able to meet with her doctors finally and get a plan worked out that had her meds only prescribed by one doctor and got her off about half, etc. But she was senile and went downhill pretty fast anyway. She was in a assisted living place my stepsister worked at (that was a blessing too) and my sister had good connections for extra care, etc.

You are doing the best you can, Sabrina! Nothing can really make it "better" with your own needs and hers and the uncertainty of it all but the knowledge she isn't going to ever get "well" again. I found it a very tough road to go down.

[purple_fins]

That must have been a frightening thing to feel.. wondering if your mom has died.

I'm really bad about going to the doctors too..so I'll steer clear of
that subject.

Your mom is so very lucky to have such a caring daughter. I sure hope
your mom is doing better and doesn't have to have her tonsils out. (I had my tonsils out when I was 31 and it was so so NOT fun! yipes-- was so painful the first two days after surgery)

best to you and your family dearest Sabrina

fins

[Sabrina]

Thanks everyone. My Mom seems to be doing so much better and is feeling healthier. She is going to work every day and eating the meals I prepare for her. She gave me a scare though. The last few months have been rough on her physically and I know there is something wrong, I think she does to. But she is in denial. I will continue to be there for her.

You and your mother are in my thoughts, Sabrina.

[wing]

So glad things have improved a bit. ((((((Sabrina))))))