[Brogen]

i'm 42, codependent and living with my girlfriend for the last couple months. before we moved in together we thought our finances were going to improve, well they haven't and that in addition to my coda situation is making things really hard on us. this is getting to the point that i seriously thought about moving out, but i have no where to go. i thought about moving all my stuff into a storage unit and i could stay there until i get on my feet. i can't afford therapy at the moment but i'm really eager to start. i began reading "codependent no more" the other day. i have found a support group that meets once a week and i plan on going to the next meeting. this is really getting serious. my girlfriend has been very supportive and my coda situation and with my exwife/visitation schedule with my kids. that's a whole different frustration for us that's putting a lot of stress on our relationship. i have to get better soon..that's the reality of it. i don't know what to do....any advise would be awesome!!!

[shezbut]

I'm not sure that I would call what you described being "codependent". Our children are dependent upon us for 18 years (in some ways, forever). Their dependency on us parents requires a lot of give and take with our ex, to try to make the experience as painless as possible for the children and not traumatic.

That said, you should make your personal life as balanced as you can. Make a schedule of days available to spend with your children (and hours) and be upfront with your ex. You are available on X dates, not others. If she isn't available on your days away, then you need to try to come up with alternatives that you both can agree with.

Financial part is often stressful for both sides, unless you're both well-off! Coming up with half of the money for daycare, babysitting fees, pre-school, etc is given. Adding back to school clothes, fees, and food does add up. If income levels are low, you may want to apply for reduced fee meals for your children. There are resources available to help children coming from low-income families.

I don't know whether the above applies to you or not ~ it is my personal experience that has helped me through divorce and split custody of our 2 children.

Best wishes to you!

[Brogen]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I'm not sure that I would call what you described being "codependent". Our children are dependent upon us for 18 years (in some ways, forever). Their dependency on us parents requires a lot of give and take with our ex, to try to make the experience as painless as possible for the children and not traumatic.

That said, you should make your personal life as balanced as you can. Make a schedule of days available to spend with your children (and hours) and be upfront with your ex. You are available on X dates, not others. If she isn't available on your days away, then you need to try to come up with alternatives that you both can agree with.

Financial part is often stressful for both sides, unless you're both well-off! Coming up with half of the money for daycare, babysitting fees, pre-school, etc is given. Adding back to school clothes, fees, and food does add up. If income levels are low, you may want to apply for reduced fee meals for your children. There are resources available to help children coming from low-income families.

I don't know whether the above applies to you or not ~ it is my personal experience that has helped me through divorce and split custody of our 2 children.

Best wishes to you!

thank you for your input.. there are a lot of things going on behind the scenes here that i didn't mention because this post would be sooooooo long. even if what i described doesn't show codependency i am. it's been pointed out to me in so many ways. i've read several articles describing codependents and i fit it like a hand made glove. it's scary as hell. i moved in with my girlfriend about a month ago. i find myself afraid of saying what i feel and sticking up for myself for fear that if i upset her she'll ask me to leave. she is aware of this fear and has told me several times that that wouldn't happen. she's commited to me and to making our relationship work. she must see something in me that i don't. she really has her life together. she lives with her son in a happy healthy home. when we met i thought i had my life together too but i could tell that something was just off. i had put up such a good front of being stable and in control that i was fooling myself. (on a side note, my girl has had some training in alcohol abuse and drug abuse and the codependency that goes with it. she's been through therapy for it herself and recognized the traits in me after we moved in together.) and i did a great job of fooling her. then after we moved in and i started getting comfortable with being here the codependency traits really started coming through. she picked up on it right away and showed my in the way of articles about codependence. she didn't accuse me of anything, just gave me the information and let me decide for myself. i was floored...never would have thought i was codependent. but i sure am and i gotta get off this train. it's sucking my will to go on.. i'm scared and frustrated about what to do. it's really making life hard around here. she's getting tired of dealing with me and i didn't even know i was doing anything. i'm ruining this relationship really quickly. lately i've been thinking if i left everything would go back to normal for her. she had a happy successful home before i came along and now we're in a financial mess, i'm a wreck with this, and it's all really stressful for us to keep going. i really think if i had some place to go it would be the best thing for both of us. she could move on and meet someone who is healthy and doesn't have all the baggage i have. i think she would be better without me here.. i'm tired of feeling like the pity party poster child. i want to stand up on my own two feet and be a man..a strong supportive assertive confident man. i know he's inside me somewhere fighting to get to the surface but somehow i can't let him come through. i have to get better...i just have to.

[CedarS]

This is just my own personal opinion, okay?

You are describing yourself as if you are horrible and everyone around you is perfect - this doesn't sound right. Is is possible that you are being manipulated and messed with?

What things are you doing that you and your girlfriend believe are bad?

[madisgram]

hi brogan, it may help us to know some events that take place where u feel u are co-dependent. your gf could be incorrect. i don't know.
rather than panicking and feeling you're worthless can u go to therapy to decipher your actions and thoughts plus learning solutions of things you wish to change about yourself?

[cin1]

Originally Posted by Brogen

i'm 42, codependent and living with my girlfriend for the last couple months. before we moved in together we thought our finances were going to improve, well they haven't and that in addition to my coda situation is making things really hard on us. this is getting to the point that i seriously thought about moving out, but i have no where to go. i thought about moving all my stuff into a storage unit and i could stay there until i get on my feet. i can't afford therapy at the moment but i'm really eager to start. i began reading "codependent no more" the other day. i have found a support group that meets once a week and i plan on going to the next meeting. this is really getting serious. my girlfriend has been very supportive and my coda situation and with my exwife/visitation schedule with my kids. that's a whole different frustration for us that's putting a lot of stress on our relationship. i have to get better soon..that's the reality of it. i don't know what to do....any advise would be awesome!!!

I know having a illness is hard for everyone involved. Stressers such as money, relationships all make things difficult. Just a step today to improve, and then another. cin1

[cin1]

Originally Posted by Brogen

thank you for your input.. there are a lot of things going on behind the scenes here that i didn't mention because this post would be sooooooo long. even if what i described doesn't show codependency i am. it's been pointed out to me in so many ways. i've read several articles describing codependents and i fit it like a hand made glove. it's scary as hell. i moved in with my girlfriend about a month ago. i find myself afraid of saying what i feel and sticking up for myself for fear that if i upset her she'll ask me to leave. she is aware of this fear and has told me several times that that wouldn't happen. she's commited to me and to making our relationship work. she must see something in me that i don't. she really has her life together. she lives with her son in a happy healthy home. when we met i thought i had my life together too but i could tell that something was just off. i had put up such a good front of being stable and in control that i was fooling myself. (on a side note, my girl has had some training in alcohol abuse and drug abuse and the codependency that goes with it. she's been through therapy for it herself and recognized the traits in me after we moved in together.) and i did a great job of fooling her. then after we moved in and i started getting comfortable with being here the codependency traits really started coming through. she picked up on it right away and showed my in the way of articles about codependence. she didn't accuse me of anything, just gave me the information and let me decide for myself. i was floored...never would have thought i was codependent. but i sure am and i gotta get off this train. it's sucking my will to go on.. i'm scared and frustrated about what to do. it's really making life hard around here. she's getting tired of dealing with me and i didn't even know i was doing anything. i'm ruining this relationship really quickly. lately i've been thinking if i left everything would go back to normal for her. she had a happy successful home before i came along and now we're in a financial mess, i'm a wreck with this, and it's all really stressful for us to keep going. i really think if i had some place to go it would be the best thing for both of us. she could move on and meet someone who is healthy and doesn't have all the baggage i have. i think she would be better without me here.. i'm tired of feeling like the pity party poster child. i want to stand up on my own two feet and be a man..a strong supportive assertive confident man. i know he's inside me somewhere fighting to get to the surface but somehow i can't let him come through. i have to get better...i just have to.

Every one has baggage, it comes with the trip. i have let others make me feel as though i am stupid. i have been dependant on someone for years, because of mental problems. i see blockages every where when i try to overcome something, then another stops me, on and on. i also do not want to be a poster person for "emotional cripple, crazy person". my point is to know yourself, and not let others make you feel like you are something you aren't. cin1

[wackywidow]

Buy some light weight baggage! It makes the load much easier to carry. Keep "stuff" out of it that does not belong there. I am great at "hoarding" things and that makes life that much more difficult. Do not look at blockages as stumbling stones. They really are challenges, sort of like trying to put a 1,000 piece puzzle together ... all by yourself. When you get the puzzle done, it usually reveals a beautiful picture that you can be proud of because you did by yourself. Sucesses matter a great deal only when they mean something to YOU!