[nicoleb2]

I am so tired of putting on a happy face.
I have to put on a happy face with my family because if i don't they freak out.
I have to put on a happy face with my friends, because if I don't, i end up getting left out of stuff they do together.
I have to put on a happy face at church because it's church and people look at me like a freak if I don't do the happy face.

I want a chance to be whoever I am at that moment. I want to be allowed to be sad when I am sad, angry when I feel angry, happy if i'm really happy.

I want someone I can talk to and say, guess what, I feel like s.h.i.t today. Oh yeah, and I cut last night. I could just really use some support.

I'm tired of always having to hide from the real me. The real me right now is like a robot. I have no feelings. I am nothing. I simply exist and laugh when one would be expected to and do as is expected. I do not feel any genuine emotions...

[NuckingFutz]

nicoleb2, I can relate. I think we spoke about this in chat last week. I'm the one staying with my sister and it's happy face or else they freak. I find my friends who accept me for who I am the best because I don't always have to be happy. I also find this in my support groups for my mental illness. In short order, I had to make places for myself to be myself until I can just flat out be myself. I know how frustrating it is... how angry one can get because other people just don't get it.

[beauflow]

I have had that feeling of putting on a happy face- I can get quiet mad at me at times when doing it... and it can make some phases of life worse... But ya know what- We are human- we are allowed to be sad at times and mad and as well as happy and all the other emotions in between at times. Do others not have emotions, i think not. we all do, just not maybe the same degree(s) or swings or reactions or the same anything, but we all have emotions and we all have feelings.

Sometimes happy faces are needed to hide ourselves as well... that may be hard for me to explain what i mean- but to protect love ones from seeing we are how we are inside (aka not have them worry so, if they do).

I know it is not a perfect world out there, and we are yet but human.... Extreme self destruction and self loathing is not good for any self-- I wish all had some one to talk to.. I don't mean to steal a line from a commercial with planets orbiting a sun- but we are all awesome in our ways and yes even in our awesome ways, we have bad days.

Nicoleb2- I am not sure if it helps but there are days where I feel like **** too there are a lot of people that do. But there are a few that hide it, a few that flaunt it, and a few that just want understanding and so on. Some can understand the feeling, others are totally oblivious to what feeling it is...
Cutting I have taken to the degree of this- I use to do it as a teen and in my early 20's, I stopped for a while and crossed paths with my boyfriend- every time I think of cutting, I realize what it would project to him, he would feel horrible and as if it is his fault for things (that is just the person he is, not everyone is like that and I do know that). The last thing I want to do is hurt him, I know i keep getting told that I need to not think that way entirely and look at myself- and think I dont want to hurt me (That is so hard to do when in the mood, due to I am the fault i believe at times or I am the pain and must be punished) Of Course Cutting is all different for every one, you may not get my view, I may not get yours. But the main thing is the result of Not wanting to hurt ourselves is the same- that is goal to reach.

I am not sure if that ramble makes any sense or makes any one feel better. we are human so feel free to disagree.
It's the beauty and the fault of human life. Not to see everything in all perspectives.

I hope you well and a better day soon, and please know there are several people on here on psychcentral that probably get a hint of where you are coming from hugs to you and to you too NuckingFuts!! I wish you both the same and hugs!

[elliemay]

"Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth." - Benjamin Disraeli

I think what I hear you saying is that you just want to be who you are. Don't you think that is entirely reasonable, if not your birthright?

Who cares if people around you freak out. You get to be your authentic self.

I will admit though, that takes a lot of courage.

[IceCreamKid]

Be real and start enjoying your life.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I want a chance to be whoever I am at that moment. I want to be allowed to be sad when I am sad, angry when I feel angry, happy if i'm really happy.

May it be.

[lynn P.]

((nicoleb2)) - I can relate to how you feel. I've done a lot of covering up my feelings the last 5 yrs. This songs for you.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...17#post2019817

[Ygrec23]

Hey, nicoleb2! The hell with them. Be yourself. Be how you feel. You're tough enough to take the flak. They all deserve to know you as you really are, whether family, friends, church or wherever, you have the personal, human RIGHT to be yourself, however you may feel at that moment. Don't exaggerate, don't be dramatic, just be honest, be frank, be candid about who you are and what you're feeling.

Sure, some people will reject you. Do you care? They would never have cared for the real you. And many may surprise you by sticking with you, caring about your feelings as you display them, and paying more attention to you than they have in the past. Your display of fake feelings only makes you fake friends and fake family. Do you need or want that? Be honest, show your real feelings, relax into being your real self all the time. It's been a long time since women felt that they had to wear girdles or corsets to appear properly in public. And what you're forcing yourself to do is quite similar to having to wear a very tight girdle or corset.

If they're not willing to accept you as you really are, as you really feel, they're just not worth holding on to, whether as friends, family or fellow church members. I think you may be pleasantly surprised at how large a number stand by you when you make your big change, when you ease into being who you really are and what you really feel. This is the 21st Century. Time to let go of those old self-restrictions on who you can be and who you are! Take very good care.

[Joblessbum]

I so know how u feel I'm so used to saying I'm ok when someone asks it's like it's programmed in and you know what no i am not ok and would love to be able to say so sometimes x

[alwaysrejoice]

I am right there with you. Im so sick of faking it. I feel like i have to do it not just for my family but for MYSELF too. When i dont fake it i end up in a deep depression like i am now. I drove to church today but didnt go in because i was afraid i would cry or someone would ask me something i couldn't handle. I am optimistic that things will work out though....