Conflicting Thoughts

I don't know if I should tell what I'm feeling or not. Or HOW. Or if it's worth telling. Or HOW. I'm not looking for a diagnosis here. I just don't know!

I am going to rant, and hope that you will tell me what you think. I need opinions. Very TRIGGER-Y. Beware.

Okay, so lately I've been high and low. Late spring through early August, I felt extremely depressed. At first, I just started thinking about death. What happens when we die. It was a curiosity thing; I was learning about the universe, so I was curious about the afterlife. Then, gradually, I started feeling smaller and smaller. My train of thought was along the lines of this: "In a world so big, what do I matter? What worth am I? Nothing I do has meaning. I'm worthless. I might as well die. No, I want to die. There is no point in this life. I'm wasting my time. I'm going to kill myself." Of course, I never said this out loud. Nor did I act on it. It was just that those thoughts that occupied my head. Some time later, I picked a weapon: my dad's sleeping pills. I was going to do it, and I felt as if it would be impossible to stop me because my mind was set. I absolutely could not get the idea of my insignificance and death out of my head. I didn't want to do anything, so I didn't really do anything. Not much more to say. These feelings lasted 3 months without anyone knowing.
(Also, I forgot to add, those 3 months, I had a constant lump-in-throat sensation that would not go away. The feeling you get when you're about to cry, only I didn't really feel emotional. I forgot about it until now since it went away, but it just almost came back as I was writing this. Anyone know what's up??)

Now, more recently, my thoughts have changed significantly. My ego is GROWING. I am more optimistic. I feel like life is a gift, and I am going to live it forever and ever. I want to just stop aging and watch everything that's going to happen! I feel like I WILL live forever. My goodness, everything I thought those three months... Though I can remember it, it all feels so irrational and far away. And so STUPID! I can do sooooo much. I can do anything I set my mind to, therefore, I can make significant changes on the world, I can leave my mark for everyone to see. And I will. If the world is so much bigger than me, I'll explore it. There is so much I want to do right now, but you don't need to know about that, really. The bottom line is, I'm ready to play by MY rules and have trust in myself. This feeling is so great. Manic state? I don't know, I'm not diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I am thinking so much right now it is hard to put everything into words, though. There's a lot I want to say but I can't quite do it!! Might I also add, my grades now, compared to those in late spring, are much better. I have a 4.0 now, at the time I think I had a 3.4...? Hmmm.

I don't know where I'm getting with this. Does it sound serious? What should I do? I don't want to be diagnosed with anything bad, but I don't want the depression to come back!

Also, I'm 14 years old if it helps. Female. Yeah... Thanks for reading!

Welcome to the Community, youngliterati. May you find support and understanding here.

Hi, and welcome to PC (((((((youngliterati))))))--do you have a General Practitioner?

You say you are fourteen...hormones might be doing something odd to your moods.
If you have a full blood panel drawn, perhaps it will rule out a Mental Health issue.

If not, and all you blood work is normal, do you have an outlet to a therapist?

You sound as if you are doing very well now. I wish you all good things!--pax theo

youngliterati,

Well, I like your second paragraph. Ahhhh I don't know about the first but I wonder if you were going through a hormone growth period. The teenage years are really tough because teens are not children anymore and they often have a hard time adjusting because they are not really adults yet either. It is such a quick moving confusing stage of life. I am certainly glad that you didn't act on your feelings in the first paragraph. Perhaps you were just realizing the magnitude of everything around you compared to just that small one human being that you are. Maybe you have just come to terms with recognizing that. And now your beginning to realize that your one single life means alot to you and you can do a lot.

But you should keep track of your emotions and see what happens. And that can be difficult to do sometimes in your teens because your body is growing and maturing to an adult form and it can be hard to adjust to the changes.

And this time period is hard for both females and males because of thier changing bodies that truely dont reach maturity until early 20's. Females are experiencing a monthly visitor that changes their moods and you need to monitor that as facts are facts women do have mood swings as they ovulate etc.

And young men have their own issues as their testasterone levels are slowly on the rise and they are changing physically quickly also, but to many of them it often feels very awkward and they do go through some awkward stages. And it is hard to look in the mirror and see that changing appearance. After all children do change but they are children and don't really think about body image as much.

So, all I can say is to make sure that you keep track of your feelings and it would be a good time to start a personal journal. And if those dark moods do come back make sure you seek therapy and assistance. Whatever you do, never act on negetive feelings, know they can be resolved.

Open Eyes

Thank you, TheByzantine, that's very gracious of you.

My bad for not putting a trigger icon, so sorry!

Err... Did not refresh the page to see all these responses. Sorry for the double post, but I can't edit my other post right now. Message boards confuse me...

Yeah, I think it might be hormones, too. That was my first idea. At least, I hope. The thing is, I started puberty when I was 10 (breast growth & period) and, I have not mentioned this before, but I did go through phases of depression and then bliss since I was 11, each phase lasting from weeks to months. I can't remember if they were this intense or not, though, since it was so long ago.

I am doing very well, theodora, and I have a GP. Okay, well, a doctor. I never really go there... but I am due to see him soon, and I suppose I should maybe ask him about this.

Thanks for the advice everyone.