A Newbie...

<font color="#880000">Hello,

Hope everyone is well. I'm a little confused and concerned.

I am married and my husband is bi-polar. He is currently taking a Anti-Depressant and Mood Stablizer. He is doing well. I walked into this marriage knowing he has bi-polar and that it would always be a factor. That is why he is under my insurance plan.

Unfortunatly now that he is stable, I feel as though I have my own issues to deal with. I don't know if they are severe or if we (my husband and I) are over exaggerating them.

I know that I can be a bit controlling over him. Not in a way that restricts him though. I do not control him with his friends nor family. I have never restricted him in going out, he is free to go out and do what he wants. But more with his emotions and when I feel he has made a bad choice in life. For example, his schooling, I want him to go to school, but at the moment our finances are tight and we won't be able to afford it until next semester, which is really not that far away, but he gets so upset and says that I'm controlling him that I don't want him to go to school. Am I just being the barrer of bad news and he doesn't like it?

I also feel like I can be a little verbally abusive at times with him. When I get frustrated with him, I tell him he stupid, which he is not and I know that. I will call him other words, never a cus word. I feel like I am consistantly lecturing him on bad choices that he makes. That frustrates me.

We both come from a poor parental back ground, not going into too much detail here. My husband and I have a great communication. Outside of this our relationship is good.

The biggest underlining question, Do I have a problem, or is this normal? Should I be seeking help, or should I try to work on it myself? Sometimes I wonder if I think too much about things. Heh I also have a spending problem, not a huge one, but I do have one. Plus I get chronic Migraines.</font>

I think you should talk to a therapist. It'll help you deal with frustration and deal with behaviors you want to change. You should remember, though, that you're not a bad person because you make mistakes, even sometimes hurtful ones. I'm sure most of us have done that (I certainly have). I believe it comes from what we learned from someone while we were young, be it parents, relatives, or other adults or teens in our lives.

I hate to quote Dr. Phil, but I believe he's right when he says, "It takes a thousand 'Atta-boys' to erase one 'You're stupid.'" Or he says something like that. Hurtful words seem to have more impact.

I wanted to go to school, too, but found I couldn't afford it. It was a real disappointment to me, not to mention frustrating, because I felt it was a big step to changing my life. From what you say in your post, I don't think you're controlling him, just giving him practical information. However, he might look into possible scholarships to help pay for college, and maybe then you could afford it after all.

I get his feeling of feeling controlled, whether or not it's based on a legitimate occurrence. Sometimes, when you feel like you have no control, and circumstances determine you have to make a choice you don't want to, it can feel like you're being controlled. Sometimes you blame the wrong cause of that control, though. Again, perhaps you can help your husband try to find ways to afford college, or earn money towards it. Call the school(s) he's interested in attending, and ask for advice from the financial aid office. They might have resources you can use.

Try to be aware when you're lecturing him. I hate it when people lecture me. I have behaviors I tend towards that put some people off, and those which I don't like about myself, too, I try to learn to be aware of when I'm about to do it, or even in the middle of doing it, so I can stop myself. Each thing you do to improve yourself takes time, and don't beat yourself up because you mistakes along the way, or slip back into behaviors. That's part of the process. It'll get easier. Behaviors are rarely changed instantly.

I like to spend. I should spend less, but I'm better than I used to be. I would recommend seeing a physician about the migraines. There are treatment options that might help.

My rule of thumb in deciding to seek help is if its interfering with your daily life then get help. It sounds to me that you are concerned about this and maybe talking to a therapist or minister or something could help you.

Welcome to PC!

Jbug

It sounds like you can get verbally abusive at times. This is not a good thing. This can actually create more problems than solving the original problem. Try to think before you act, or in this case, react.

I think you could definitely benefit from having a counselor.

Thank you, that does make me feel better to know that it isn't as severe as I feel like it is. I know that I have improved my anger issues over the years, as I use to be worse. My dad is very controlling over my mom, it was very hard to live with that. My sister couldn't handle the control my dad placed over the three of us and found back only to get smacked to the ground, she moved out after that. That was a long time ago. I haven't lived at home for over 4 years. Ever since I moved out I have been working on habits that I had devolped over time from living with my parents. Perhaps recognizing that I have some problems is the first step to working on them.

In order, to be able to help my spending habits, I got a small second job a month ago. I try very hard for it not to let it add to any issues. But the extra money has helped us greatly.

I also wonder that if I were to call the phsyc. department and try to make an appointment that I wouldn't know what to say, that my reasons for seeing someone were not legit enough.

As for the migraines I am on a prescriptiong medication, I visit physician for those already. They come and go, they aren't as frequent as they use to be, I noticed I haven't complained as much, but the last couple days they have shown up.

I have made an orientation appointment for Tuesday of next week, and my work has said I can take the time to go to the appointment, I didn't tell my work what the appointment was for. It was very hard to call, but I did it.

That's great! There's no need to tell your work about it, just say it's personal or just say it's a doctor.