[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple">My re-introduction of sorts. I feel I need/want to share some more about me and some of my past experiences. I will try to be scarce in details, so as to not overwhelm, but I will also place a TRIGGER WARNING just in case.....

I was born to an alcoholic Vietnam vet depressed father and a depressed mother who was unwise to the world and lifestyle she married into. I was to be the "answer" to their troubles, but of course that didnt turn out to be the case. My father was a violent drunk, but never physically hurt my mother or I. He was the type that ripped phones out of walls, would argue everything, clear counters, take unnessecary risks with our lives, etc.... I was literally the rope in their tug of war, one parent one arm the other had my other arm. Mom and I left many times and stayed with relatives. I learned very young that one didnt speak unless spoken too and it was to be breif but polite. I learned to conceal my emotions because only a smile was acceptable. My father at one time was the president of a motorcycle gang ( a topic I am still not suppose to address in great detail). We were constantly surrounded by weapons, drugs, prostitutes, and much more. I witnessed my dad attempt suicide 3 times. My mom told me that when I was about 2 yrs old she wanted/tried to drown me. Her way of getting me out of the hell hole. She told me she use to leave me alone a lot when I was a baby - toddler age while I napped so she could visit people or do errands.

My experiences with sexual abuse started to memory around 4. I was gang raped by a cousin and 3 neighborhood boys. Then for yrs later that cousin and his friends used me as a testing tool. Then fondled by a grandfather at 14. There is a memory that is very vague of another assult by my dad's friend son at around 10 yrs of age. There is another experience that I am not ready to address. BTW none of this are my parents aware of, at least I know I have never told them.

My parents are now born again Christians (past 20 yrs) and we have a much closer and loving relationship. I struggle with wanting to tell them all that they dont know though... So there is a distance of sorts... And a bit of jealousy with my sister on my part.There is quite an age gap between us and therefore she never lived the hell I did, she only knows our parents as they are now. She has a much closer relationship with them esp. my mom than I do , and it is painful for me at times.

I first became aware that I had mental health issues the day I gave birth to my first child, i was 18 yrs old. Altho looking back, I see that it really started very young with the dissociation, S/I, etc... Many yrs went by before I got any help tho. I didnt get any support from family or friends. I isolated myself. My husband didnt begin to realize the extent of mental health until I was almost 29, when I had a huge breakdown and it was then he discovered that I was a S/I'r. BTW I am now 35 (in Feb) and he is 41 and we have been together for almost 20 yrs (Aug), married 17 yrs (April). I have been to many therapists but have a bad habit of not sticking it thru, same goes for meds. Next month I will be changing that and starting therapy again and the difference is this time I am looking for long term help and not that quick fix in desperation.

So far I have been dx'd as: Bipolar, OCD, S/I, anxiety/panic disorder, borderline schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, and PSTD.

Meds I have tried so far are: Proszac, Paxil, Celexa, Effexor, Klonopin, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Lorazepam, and think that is it... Some worked great others not so well. Seems the dr's tend to treat my depression and anxiety more than anything else.

I didn't intend for this to get to be so long, sorry. And to think this is just a summary.

Anyway there it is.
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[LMo]

I'm so sorry, SW... I read it all. I'm glad you shared -- I hope doing so helps you heal. You're doing the right thing by seeking support. You have all of mine.

[SerenitysWave]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
LMo said:
I'm so sorry, SW... I read it all. I'm glad you shared -- I hope doing so helps you heal. You're doing the right thing by seeking support. You have all of mine.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="purple"> Thank you LMo. I am not sure why but reading this has triggered me to cry but I think that is a good thing. I think it is seeing in writing that someone gives me their support and I know its genuine... Means a lot to me. </font>

[bebop]

((((((Serenity))))) I do understand the living with a nam vet and him being an alcoholic. been there done that. we are here for you

[(JD)]

That's quite a lot to deal with (((SW))) thank you for sharing. I hope it helped you to write it. I'm glad to hear you are going to stick with therapy. Maybe if you tell your T about quitting it always, and that this time you want all the help you can get to stay in therapy, the T will be agressive in making up missed appointments, etc?

I understand the Nam Vet thing also.... many of them live in the woods down here.... the only life that seems to allow for their disordered thinking and feelings. Sigh. If your parents have been remorseful... I would try and share a little bit at a time about your feelings... it may work out better than you think.

A new journey for you! How exciting it can be! The only thing we really own is the time at hand. Maybe this year, though it might be tough going at times, will bring good stuff for you at last.

[bipolar_bear]

I am so sorry SW for all of the things that have happened in your life. I think it is brave and wonderful that you are seeking help that you intend to stick with. Maybe they can help you address these things with your family. Take care.

[January]

Hi Serinity,

I am so sorry you have suffered such overwhelming pain. It sounds like you are working hard on your issues and have really done well. I'm proud of your accomplishments.

Welcome again to PC. We are glad you are here.

Hugs,

Jan

[desirae]

The past can seem so far away, yet right on your *****. I know how that feels, it tends to suck you like a leech, even though it was years ago.

I'm sorry for the sad past.

I can't tell you what would be best for you since your you, and I'm me.....you know how that is. But I feel there is alot of ghosts in your closet, that need to be released.

I know it would cause trouble to bring up this pain, and it will probably cause more pain...but what I've learned about suffering is, it's okay. It's okay to suffer and feel pain. Life is painful.

I would let all of this out. I would tell your mom and dad about your resentments, I would mention the sexual and emotional abuse. If you let this all out you will be free from it. It will no longer imprison you. The pain is temporary.....then comes the relief from all the horrible secrets you carried around with you for years.

You owe yourself this break. I bet if you were to let this go, you'll slowly over time gain the peace everybody craves in their lives.

I wish you luck, and hope you will gain the ultimate happiness you deserve.

Desirae

i understand totally your situation concerning your sister and what happened to you. i could never tell my sisters what happened to me. they wouldn't believe it and it would ruin our relationship. i never confronted my parents about it either. our later years together were pretty good, but there were a lot of years where there was a great separation between us. i especially resented my mother as she knew what was happening to me when i was a child. i had lots and lots of therapy and came to terms with it.

i'm glad that you felt safe enough to tell us about your experiences.i wish these things didn't happen..but life deals us some pretty hard stuff to deal with.

love, pat

[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple">Thank you bebop, knowing that someone else can relate is comforting. </font>

[SerenitysWave]

That's quite a lot to deal with (((SW))) thank you for sharing. I hope it helped you to write it. I'm glad to hear you are going to stick with therapy. Maybe if you tell your T about quitting it always, and that this time you want all the help you can get to stay in therapy, the T will be agressive in making up missed appointments, etc?

<font color="purple"> Thank you Sky. I do feel better that I allowed myself to be trusting and share some about myself anf my past situations. I will be sure to talk with T about my history of not staying with therapy. It coems down to fears and control, which I wll be sure to mention as well. </font>

I understand the Nam Vet thing also.... many of them live in the woods down here.... the only life that seems to allow for their disordered thinking and feelings. Sigh. If your parents have been remorseful... I would try and share a little bit at a time about your feelings... it may work out better than you think.

<font color="purple"> We have had some great family moments of sharing about our past together. They are remorseful, esp. my dad. My mom offers remosre but sometimes its tagged with excuses so I have some reservations regarding her. Still work to be done there. </font>

A new journey for you! How exciting it can be! The only thing we really own is the time at hand. Maybe this year, though it might be tough going at times, will bring good stuff for you at last.

<font color="purple">Thank you again Sky. I hope so too. </font>

[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple">Thank you Bipolar Bear. There was a time when my dad was going thru therapy and they were suppose to incorprate family sessions as well. I was looking forward to that, b/c I felt I would be safe in opening up more. But unfrotunately it never happened b/c my dad didnt stay with it. But I know that doesnt mean we cant have that when I start T again. Soemthing for me to seriously think about. </font>

[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple">Thank you January.

PS love your name! </font>

[SerenitysWave]

I would let all of this out. I would tell your mom and dad about your resentments, I would mention the sexual and emotional abuse. If you let this all out you will be free from it. It will no longer imprison you. The pain is temporary.....then comes the relief from all the horrible secrets you carried around with you for years.

You owe yourself this break. I bet if you were to let this go, you'll slowly over time gain the peace everybody craves in their lives.

I wish you luck, and hope you will gain the ultimate happiness you deserve.

<font color="purple"> Thank you Desirae. I am seriously thinking about doing just that, have been for a long time. I know at first it will cause pain, but I think l it will also bring us closer together and tear down some walls. And also allow them some more understanding of me. </font>

[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple"> Thank you Pat. It is amazing what we survive in life. </font>

[colors]

I have read your letter, and I can see how hard it is to let others know of the things that make you sad.

I hope you can keep posting and let it out this way. Even if you tried to tell your parents, they may, or may not be accepting of the truth. (At least that is my experience of things.) However, when you post, dosen't it make you feel better to know that others know? It does me.

Hope your future just keeps getting easier!

Sincerely,
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