[eskielover]

After leaving the hospital, I am still in a horrible mess & at this point, I have been given the option of either going to the partial program at a hospital about 1 hour from home or going back into the hospital. The first day I drove to the partial program, I had 2 rear end accidents within 1/2 hour. I paid one off as a payment & settlement in full for the accident on the date it occured so that he can't come back at me for more money. I had talked to my insurance agent & he said that the amount that the guy stated was realistic given the fact that these new bumpers have to be completely replaced once they are hit due to the way they are made with the way they absorbe the pressure. At least that one won't go onto my insurance. The only other problem is that I have to take a photo of the front end of my car because the guy from the first accident is claiming that he needed chiropractic care (like who doesn't after any accident). The problem is that the second accident did some damage to the front of my car & not the first one, so it will probably look like there was the damage because there was no way to differentiate between when the damage occured. Oh life is just a complete mess & I am so afraid of driving that I can't even get into my car to drive. I made it home after the accident, but my shaking just won't stop.

Without being able to drive, it complicates the going to the program at the hospital. My only choice now is to have my husband drive me down to the house that was my Mothers & they will pick me up in a van from there. Just thinking about staying in the house has me completely messed up also. Just thinking about going there even with my dogs, leaves me shaking & hearing the voices & having all the visions flowing into my mind. The only way I can explaine it is that there are ghosts (not actually real ones), that are horrifying me & I have absolutely no help to get through the experience. My psychologist tells me that it is desensatation......but why am I having to be thrown into the lake where the water is way over my head & I can't swim.

I am so afraid of just living right now & know that I have to get my life together because I have a new foal coming in a few weeks. I can't afford to feel the way I am feeling, but have no idea on how to make anything right again. I have called my horses chiropractor to come out next Tuesday & I am hoping that it will help my pain in my hip. I know that the both of the accidents really messed with the hip & it is the same one that I had fractured several years ago when I was thrown off my horse.....all I can do is pray for some relief.

To top everything else is that the animal control is coming close to the time when they are going to be coming out to check the # of dogs we have. I am putting listing 2 of the dogs which aren't my eskies in as many places as I can possibly find to list them for adoption. They are very sweet....one is a chocolate lab & when we took her in to have her spayed, they verivied that she was part pit bull.....even though she is the sweetest one I have ever been around. She grew up with my eskies & thinks that she is an eskie & full of so much love. The other one is the little shih tzu. He belonged to our across the street neighbor & when we told him that we couldn't keep the dog anymore, he told us to take the dog to the pound. I am going to try to find a home for that one too.....he also is a complete lover. He came to us as a complete fur mat & I groomed him so now he lookes quite handsome. He doesn't deserve to be placed into the pound either, but I have to save my eskies before anything else. We are over our count by 2 & have to be very careful to hide them but the stress of all of this on top of all of the voices, visions, & horrible feelings of not being inside of myself (completely unsafe while driving)....besides the 2 accidents, I had run a stop sign just a few days before the accidents. I am so afraid of myself.....then I am so afraid of having to stay at my Mothers home in order to go to the treatment center, then the divorce, the packing of the homes.......I am on so much overload & have no way to escape any of it.....I don't have time to waste....I need to spend all the time I have to get everything accomplished since I have no help from my husband. I have told him that when I get to the packing of things that are his, I will throw away anything I have no need of & if he doesn't like it, he has had his opportunity to take care of his part of the divorce. He is always giving me excuses that he can't do it along with working & now I do understand that the complication of the dogs has really messed up everything. If I don't spend as much time as I can getting packed & finding a place for my dogs, horses, & myself, I will end up here until all the inheritance money is gone. My frustrations are so high......my pdoc added the valium with barely helps & nothing else even works at all. The seroquel helps some, but even it isn't helping the horrble visions & voices to go away at night anymore.

My Pdoc has been suggesting trying some antidepressants again now that my migraines are under control, but last year when I was in the hospital & the pdoc from the hospital tried an antidepressant, the migraines came back & I had to stop the med again.

I feel so frustrated feeling that nothing can help me get through this & all I can lean on is my own mind which is in no position to help at all. I can't take it anymore but know how much of my time my new foal is going to take in less than a month. I have talked to my pdoc & my psychologist daily.....& I just seem to be getting worse than better. The fear of a complete melt down is so bad right now, I can't handle anything that I am going through. I have stopped doing everything at the ranch.....I just have no energy to do anything more than the minimum & that doesn't seem to be anything at all. To top it off, my normal nausea when I am in this state is beyond my control & just can't get food down anymore which I know doesn't work & I can't let it happen, but I just can't seem to stop it at all.

I know that I have good things coming in my life (the new foal) but the fear of having a complete breakdown is so scarry, knowing that only I can control the outcome adds even more pressure & fear.

I know I am just full of moaning & whining......but my fear right now is more than I can handle & don't even know if the partial hospital program will be of any help......I am going at it with the oppinion that it will make it better but time is running out.

Debbie

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I would urge you no matter what to go to partial ..I know its hard but its hard if you dont either...Can a friend or someone come and stay with you when your at your moms old place? That may help some ((( Debbie )))