Tween a rock and a hard place

I don't trust my husband with my sister. We covered this before with the marriage counselor. She said my sister needs to get her own man.

My sister says she needs a husband, but acts like she expects someone else to get him for her. On the other hand, she seems to think my husband is the perfect man and flirts with him.

I've called her on this before, and she goes manic, literally. I told her how I also feel hurt when she knows what a difficult time I've had with my in-laws and she comes over and tells my husband how neat they are and how much she likes them.

No one in my life cares. They only care that I act nice and have them over for the holidays. Same with my husband.

Saturday I heard my sister and husband flirting. I instantly went to that powerless place, tempted to stay in my room and be miserable. Instead I took a Xanax and went out.

My sister was stroaking her hair and talking. She wouldn't make eye contact with me. I tried something different and mimiced her body language, stroking my hair, etc. I could see that this was bringing her up short. I also saw that my husband wanted to make eye contact with me, wondering what the heck I was doing. (I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because the counselor said he has no idea of the undercurrents that occur with a sibling.)

Just the fact that I'm wrestling with this issue distresses my husband. He sees himself as a victim. And he sees how my sister sees him as wonderful. Who wouldn't prefer her?

I'm just overwhelmed. I thought sharing this would help. I know I need to see the marriage counselor, but she moved out of the area. Plus it takes years to get a counselor to believe that I know what I'm talking about. I want to scream.

I am sorry you are going thru this. It is bad enough when friends behave that way in front of your husband but I can't imagine a sister doing it.

My hubby has no idea when a woman is flirting with him. Maybe your husband doesn't realize what she is doing. Talk to him hon. Let him know how much it hurts you.

i am so sorry you are going through this, it really is between a rock and a hard place. I had something similar happen where my sister's husband would flirt with me , I did not even recognize it as flirting i thought he was just trying to be nice to his sister in law, well one day my sister and i got into an arguement and she ended it with "stay away from my husband" that is when i put the pieces of the puzzle together, i love my sister and unfortuately it was easier to place blame on me than to admit her husband was the one looking , but out of respect for her and her marriage i then avoided him at all costs , unfortuately that didn't appease my sister so in the end i lost my realtionship with her , but i know i did the right think and i still respect her for doing what she thinks is right even though i disagree with the blinders she put on, because if it is not me i am sure her husband will continue to look ,

i hope you can lay things out for your sister so she can't deny to you what is going on, so that you two can come to some kind of resloution, and mutual respect. if she is unwilling to admit to her actions or unwilling to change them then i see no other alternative to limit her contact with you and your husband, should should not have to go and hide or sleep to make your family happy, i hopw also that you can stand up for yourself and be strong and healthy

sorry for rambling but i hope somthing in all this helps

Linda

Bebop - thanks for reminding me to give my husband the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes he doesn't have a clue.

bpdsufferer - thank you for sharing this. I agree that if I felt I could trust my husband, it wouldn't matter what my sister did or didn't do. I think everyone was on our best behavior all week. My husband went in our room to watch tv every night, leaving me and my sister together. That was ok.

But then came the weekend. The problem is that I feel like I'll be portrayed as the paranoid one if I try to confront the situation.

I sincerely want to just not feel this way. Taking Xanax settles the feelings down, but I know I can't keep doing this.

I guess I need to talk to my husband. I have to find a time when he's less likely to feel defensive. Maybe if I ask him to help me with my problem....

Ohmygosh! I was just reading at http://www.guidetopsychology.com

"Psychologically speaking, alcoholics drink in order to avoid the pain of facing up to and making amends for all the times they have failed to take responsibility for their lives."

It really HURTS A LOT to take responsibility.

"Reconciliation is made possible by the free choice of the victimizer to repent and to repair the damage of the injury,"

The problem was that my sister always became defensive. If she'd ever said, "I understand what you're saying," and then, didn't try to get her needs met through my husband, I could reconcile with her.

She's never realized that I'm giving her a gift by trying to reason with her. I'm treating her like an equal. But she isn't there yet.

I always tried to forgive and forget so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain of being told there's something wrong with me for having feelings. Do you know how much it hurts to be told, "You're just too sensitive?" Also, "Has your doctor given you medication?" when I'm trying to deal with anger. This is my growing up family that I want separation from, but my husband doesn't get it.

Man, Thanks for the therapy session!

((((doh)))) i understand.

Thank you. There's something about someone listening that makes this work. I just wanted to add that I keep wondering if the problem is solely mine. Part of me is worried that if no one believes me that I must be wrong. I don't know if this is wisdom or denial.

I'm going to suck it up and go talk to my husband. Wish me luck?

good luck with hubby and from the sounds of it i don't think it is all in your head

Linda

Well, I learned something. My husband isn't like my family. Once I assured him that I wasn't accusing him of anything and that I needed his help and perspective, I got it.

First, he was feeling awkward with my sister. Since her breakdown, he doesn't know how to talk to her.

Second, I have no idea what's going on in her head and may never know, but it doesn't matter because,

Third, my husband promises to be aware that a sibling rivalry may be going on. And if I let him know (we haven't worked out the signal yet) he will do whatever I need to reassure me that we're ok and a couple.

I was so afraid to do this and yet, I feel closer than ever. I wish I could just boil my brain and heart and disinfect them from all the wrong notions. I become paranoid so easily. Life is such a challenge. But possible, I guess.

Thank you for all the support. I'm convinced that that is what gave me the strength to sort through this. I love you (((psychcentral))).

i am so happy for you , see it was in you all the time

congratulations


Linda