Rock & Hard Place

Did some work with my therapist today in our session. I'm still wrapping my mind around it. I had emailed her before our appointment about how I had a good week and had interacted with people and even risked self-disclosure, but then later I felt depressed and was crying and I couldn't figure out why. Compare that to all the stress and pressure at work that is coming at me which has produced the same effect.

We talked about the false self and the real self that Masterson writes about.

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"The purpose of the false self is not adaptive but defensive; it protects against painful feelings. It is the nature of the false self to save us from knowing the truth about our real selves, from penetrating the deeper causes of our unhappiness, from seeing ourselves as we really are – vulnerable, afraid, terrified, and unable to let our real selves emerge. A life ruled by the false self’s defense against inner emptiness ends up truly empty. However, it is far from empty of pain, suffering, depression, guilt feelings, and elaborate schemes to deny one’s own best interests. -Masterson

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She said that when the real self starts to expand, the false self starts to react and put up defenses to protect against abandonment. So when you start expressing your real self, you get depressed as a reaction.

Then if you are under the influence of the false self which molds itself to fit the expectations from others of what you want to be, you get depressed as a result.

Finally, if you do risk and the real self evolves you will eventually be abandoned or rejected by someone (not everyone will like you) and that will cause depression.

So you see you are between a rock and a hard place. Almost seems like a no win. However she said the next time I was depressed after I had a good experience to remember that it means that I am growing. Each time it happens it gives me a chance to deal with it and the impact will decrease. She said that it was a sign of recovery because it was caused by the emergance of personality and challenge the false self's defenses.

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"[To] assure himself that he will not trigger the abandonment depression, [the patient as a child learned] to avoid opportunities to express himself, or assert his wishes, or activate what is most unique in his personality …. " Masterson

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Masterson says that you have to go through the depression in order to get well. "As the patient works through the depression, the real self emerges... The real self does not block feelings or deaden the impact of emotions but provides a sense of what is appropriate." - Masterson. Somehow you come out the other side and then depression has less power over you.

I asked her how do I tell the difference between the good depression and the bad depression. She said that's a good question - I should think about that over the next two weeks. She'll be interested to know what I come up with.

W.Rose

PS - I like Masterson's definition of depression. "Abandonment depression is actually an umbrella term beneath which ride the six Horsemen of the Psychic Apocalypse: Depression, Panic, Rage, Guilt, Helplessness (hopelessness), and Emptiness (void). - Masterson

Hi WinterRose,
This is really interesting stuff, thank you for sharing. I'm going to try to get a book from Masterson-what book is it that you're getting this from?

The Search for the Real Self is the name of the book. The author is James F. Masterson. I enjoyed it. Make sure you read to the end. If you're like me, you might feel a little discouraged learning about the painful stuff, but he goes on to how therapy works.

Hi WinterRose, I found it very interesting that you feel you are between a rock and a hard place by becoming your real self. But I do remember how scary and yes, depressing, it was at first as I was learning to do that. So many people around me that I loved and cared about did not feel the same about me unless I would not rock the boat - not get healthy, not change, not try to work on my depression. It was very discouraging at first. And very lonely.

But after going through the process of becoming me for years now, and getting alot of experience at being and meeting my true self, I would not live any other way. I couldn't. The price is too high. I find it's like a snake shedding it's skin. For a while there's just this dead empty thing there, and I felt so alone. But as I held to my courage and kept working on my recovery I found other people who did like the new me. I have much more satisfying relationships now.

So while it might feel like you are between a rock and a hard place, you aren't. It's a process that if you continue with, no matter how scary or lonely you get, will take you to meet your real self. When you know you, then other's can get to know the real you, and love the real you, too. You sound like you are well on your way. Keep seeking wisdom!

Pomegranate - A snake shedding it's skin...that's a good metaphor for emptiness. I think the scary thing is that I don't know my real self that well and of course we want people to like us and support us. So I get confused - am I being one way for them or for myself.

I did take a big risk in a book club the other week. The subject turned to service - giving and receiving service. Most people spoke about pride keeping them from asking for help. I tentatively brought up the fact that the reason I have such a hard time asking for help is that I fear no one will respond - no one would come. I was holding back tears. And I didn't get jumped on and maybe it opened a few people's eyes. I just know that for me if I ask and then I get rejected or disappointed I feel even lower and that is not where I want to go.

Wow that IS a big risk. I know that I would not even be able to ATTEND a group like that much less offer up anything into a discussion and definately not something that real and close to myself. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for!

My T calls that anxiety and depression that I feel when trying a new skill or learning a new concept "cognitive dissonance". He likens it to learning any new thing...for example driving a car...remember when you did it the first time how unfamiliar and frightening it was? and then as you got more experience at it you gradually got so that probably now you can get in a car and drive and not even think about what you are doing most of the time. He says we have to push ourselves through that period of learning that FEELS scary and strange... Dunno if I explained that well enough..but maybe?