[crown]

I don't know where to begin or how to sort out all of the thoughts I want to express, but I will try to make sense.

This is my first post and it seems that I am in quite an identity crisis. About two months ago, my associate and I (both graphic designers) were laid off from our jobs. I hated the job anyway, as a matter of fact, I hate my whole career; it has been a complete waste of time and unhappy. In my time I have worked for some of the greediest SOBs you can imagine; I have been stolen from, berated, underpaid, insulted, etc. By nature I am an Artistic person and have always wanted to be an entrepreneur working only for myself producing Art pieces.

My mental state: I have inherited depression from one side of my family where it is rampant, I also have severe problems focusing on anything and some obvious OCDs. I often describe my mind as a bee hive...it never stops buzzing and the thoughts all just fly around in a disorderly fashion. On top of all this, I have a crippling lack of belief in my abilities.

What now?? I see very clearly some creative avenues that I would like to explore to see if I can make my living self-employed at them but pair my untamed thoughts with the worries of living (and paying a mortgage) on unemployment benefits, and I continually just shut down for fear and not knowing what to do next. I can pursue my creative ideas toward self-employment but what if I spend the time and money on them and they don't work? I keep a constant knot in my stomach for stress and fear; I cannot see myself going back to what I was doing and do not know what to do next. What the hell do I think now?? What am I to do?

These days if anything is expected of my I get nearly paralyzed...I hate expectations because I am sure I can't meet them. Unemployment benefits don't last forever, my estimated disability benefits are too meager to live off of (even if I did qualify) and I am a mental shambles, pretty sure that I am not suitable to re-enter the workforce right now.

I do not know what to do. Anyone in or been in this situation??

[kindachaotic]

Crown, First Welcome to PC! This site has helped me tremendously, no one judges you, most people are kind & gentle.

Now, you are going thru a lot! I am not in your shoe's & can really only offer you the support that you are NOT alone.

Most of us on here are not professionals & I am not very good with words. The questions I would ask are, do you have a T (therapist) or a pdoc (psychiatrist)? If so, on meds & maybe discuss a med tweak.

Being out of the work force can have it's advantages, but one disadvantage is the loss of INS benefits. There are other resources thru county assistance, the state, Dept of Human Services, get a case worker to help you navigate the system. Thru Voc Rehab you can ever get a job coach. All this is up to you as you can handle it.

So, if I haven't overwhelmed you... Please keep posting as you feel comfortable, there are many forums to read & relate to.

Sending you many good thoughts.