[Greenleaves]

I can't stand it! I'm upset. I'm upset!!!

[lostone]

so sorry your feeling this way!! anything I can do please let me know.. feel free to PM me.
hope you cheer up soon

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ((((((( HUGS ))))))))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Greenleaves]

I can't stand it . I can't stand it . Help me!

[Rhapsody]

What can we HELP with..... what needs to be STOPPED?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Greenleaves]

I don't know. I just feel bad! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhh

I got triggered.

[Rhapsody]

What happened to create this feeling in YOU today? - or what have you been thinking about today?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[lostone]

do you need to go to chat room???

[Greenleaves]

I can't talk about it here. It makes people upset. I'm a little better now, at least I can type something besides "Aaaaaahhhh".

[Greenleaves]

I lost control.

I did something bad again.

[Rhapsody]

Greenleaves,

YOU may PM me now if you wish - I will listen, and never judge..... just HELP!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Greenleaves]

Post deleted by Greenleaves

[Greenleaves]

Post deleted by Greenleaves

[Rhapsody]

Please DO NOT get your self blocked from here - you may need to talk to some one when you need it the most..... do you have a doctor?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Greenleaves]

I'm lonely.

[Greenleaves]

I'm more calm now

[Greenleaves]

I'm not OK

[Rhapsody]

Talk to US................................. we are here for YOU.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Greenleaves]

I'm still really really upset.

[Greenleaves]

I'm really really upset. I'm upset. I feel bad. I feel really really bad. It feels horrible. I hate being this upset. I don't like being upset. I'm upset. I want to feel better again. How do I feel better again.

I'm really really upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I can't stand being upset. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. I can't stand being upset.

I'm upset. I'm very upset. I hate this so much. I can't deal with this. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset.

[Genevieve]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Greenleaves said:
I'm really really upset. I'm upset. I feel bad. I feel really really bad. It feels horrible. I hate being this upset. I don't like being upset. I'm upset. I want to feel better again. How do I feel better again.

I'm really really upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I can't stand being upset. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. I can't stand being upset.

I'm upset. I'm very upset. I hate this so much. I can't deal with this. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

OK. You've expressed something you're feeling. Is that helping to release some of it? Or are you ruminating on it so that it keeps you wound up?

GL, I do care what happens to you. I do care how you feel. And I do care if you want to die.

But you know what else? You really don't need to get so worked up in order to get attention, and you don't need to get so worked up in order to come here and ask for some support because you're feeling bad. I've mentioned this before, GL, that I think you've learned that the only way to get attention or support is to be over teh top -- as if you never got attention from your parents until you had a tantrum. Well, you're an adult now, and that's no longer true. Time to start learning a new way of approaching your need for support, right?

Mostly, people are willing to be supportive and sympathic if you say, "You know, this hurt my feelings." You don't have to be too hysterical to type in order to get sympathy and support. The real benefit for you, though, is that you won't have to go through all the pain you put yourself through by getting so hysterical.

Now, I do know what's upsetting you right now, and I can understand why it might hurt your feelings, but keep in mind that no one outside yourself is responsible for your feelings. That really is one of the very hardest lessons for most people to learn, so it isn't surprising that you are having trouble learning it. It doesn't sound as though you've had much help from your parents in learning to grow up, so you've got to learn now, on your own, and that's hardest of all. But you've got a place where people will support you as you learn. Please work on taking advantage of it, by practicing what happens when you post here, "Something ahppened tonight that really hurt my feelings. I don't know how t handle it, and find I'm thinking people don't care about me." See what happens, maybe you'll get the kind of support that you're looking for, and maybe that will help you some the next time something ahppens.

And GL? Are you still taking your medication? You know that it helps a lot when you're feeling like this. If you're not, please take it. Pretty much everyone has said that it helps you, and I think that you actually know it does.

[Greenleaves]

Thank-you Genevieve for saying that you care about how I feel and if I want to die. That means a lot to me. I'm going to save this post and remember that so I don't forget it.

I think expressing myself is not always rumination. I think I need to learn to expressed myself in different, more productive ways, like you said.

I'm going to try really really hard to not get worked up, but it's going to be really difficult. What you suggested saying instead sounds really sensible. I don't know when I'm going to learn how to do that instead of exploding.

It is a hard lesson to learn, that other people are not responsible for my emotions. I react really strongly to some things that people do and I start thinking that they caused my emotions. This ends up making me angry and all sorts of horrible bad feelings.

Pdoc1 is working with me on insight right now. She made me realize one thing. When I make threats and stuff, what I really want is for people to care about me. The more threats I make, the more I want people to give me hugs and stuff. I'm doing things the wrong way. It's going to a tough habit to break because my mind automatically thinks those horrible bad thoughts.

I'm going to take your advice and practice here. I've already abandoned my venting thread to try to help others more. When I feel lonely and bad, I tried to post to other people. Alexandra said that is what she does. I'm trying the same thing.

I'm still taking my meds. I think it helps some, but unfortunately there's still some breakthrough insanity.

[Genevieve]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Greenleaves said:
Pdoc1 is working with me on insight right now. She made me realize one thing. When I make threats and stuff, what I really want is for people to care about me. The more threats I make, the more I want people to give me hugs and stuff. I'm doing things the wrong way. It's going to a tough habit to break because my mind automatically thinks those horrible bad thoughts.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

LOL! Sorry to laugh at that, but you know what? That's why some of us do care about you -- because it's so clear that your explosions and threats are your way of trying to get attention, and that you don't know any other way. That's terrible, it must feel very scary to you, and you'll have to work hard in order to learn more adaptive coping strategies.

Here's a clue for you, though: most people here will offer you support and attention WITHOUT the hysterics. In fact, throughout your life, MOST PEOPLE will offer that attention more freely and more willingly if you DO NOT ask for it through hysterics and threats. So, if you do work hard, and you do learn to ask for attention more appropriately, you're likely to get much more of what you want, and it will feel better. There's only good that will come of doing the work.

I read something very comforting that Marsha Linehan wrote about borderlines. She said that what happens to a lot of people with BPD is that their parents ignored them until they got hysterical, and then focussed all their attention on them once they did. In effect, that trains a child that the only way to get attention is to get hysterical, to have a tantrum. (Kinda the opposite of what I do, lol, with trying so hard to hide any emotion or reaction to anything) If the parents had responded appropriately at a lesser stage, then the child wouldn't have learned to overstate, and overreact.

At this point, what you're doing isn't so much an overreaction, as your natural, learned reaction. So, now you have to learn a whole new way to react. You'll have to learn to ask for that attention well before you hit full-on hysterics. Just as I have to try to learn to experience emotions, and to express them, and even to ask for help or comfort when I need it, rather than trying so very hard never to need it. We all have our own problems, you know, we all have things we need to learn. You're not alone in all this.

Good luck, and I do hope that you get the help you need to learn all these new things.