In another thread somewhere, I mentioned that I have memory gaps for traumatic events in my life. I was there, and I remember partially, but important details are missing, and others must fill in the blank spaces for me.

I've had this used against me. I've been accused of things I didn't do, and then the fact that I don't remember is held up as just one of those memory gaps. "Oh, you don't remember--well, of course you wouldn't. It embarrassed you, so you blocked it out."

Bear in mind, it is horrific, traumatic events in my life that I don't remember completely, not some random stupid thing I did. Even those traumatic events, I do remember partially, enough to know it's the truth. If nothing else, I'll remember some fallout from the event, and know that there is evidence that the thing did happen. If I have no memory at all for something, I see no evidence of it, and it was silly rather than terrifying, I'd say it's a safe bet that it never happened. I don't block things out because I find them embarrassing. I remember plenty of stupid embarrassing things I've done. We all do things like that. The important thing is, my husband, who has been with me for almost 5 years and married to me for just over 3, has never seen me do anything bizarre that I later denied. It's just not part of my behavior.

Usually, those false accusations are later passed off as a "joke."

Why do people "joke" like that and think it's funny?

[beauflow]

but the "joking" that I did something I didn't do, is just something I can't figure out. Why do people "joke" like that and think it's funny?

With a few that have done such a thing with me is either
1) they misunderstand something- either the whole situation or story and they are not taking it all in
I.e. I had my boyfriend telling me just a few days ago and was laughing about it- that while on the phone when talking to managers I continually say: "But I say"-- It took me a day or to figure out what he was hearing cuz I was like NO I don't- That makes sense and I would sound completely ignorant and simi controlling with that phrase-- but he was telling me "it's ok it is a nervous tick" while chuckling- I found no humor in it, I did tell him that and that he was being rude and mean to me with laughing at me-- He just does not understand fully with this- it was begining to enrage me- but he stopped picking on me about it and said-- "I myself say umm a lot when talking it is just a nervous tick"
It still annoyed the hell out of me and I thought for a second (few days actually cuz I could not figure out this "but I say" business) and I did think for a moment that he was messing around with me in a cruel way-- then I realized-- I do say after people are not fully understanding me but partially are- I will say something of: "about to say---" when talking to people, yes a simi nervous tick but it will be "about to say, this is how our procedures are in our dept. we need to follow them for security reasons. So i need you guys to give me more information." The other day I defended my self on this all- due to "But I say" sounds just so freaking irritating to me

2) They seem to confuse the story in the past and either don't remember what the hell they did or it is some sort of way to justify what they did or they don't want to look so bad
I.E. My Brother does this a lot-- he will claim that I went postal one day and that I was doing too many drugs or I was on my rag or something-- he will forget that he was the one that antagonized the whole situation or that a few weeks before or after depending on the story- that he did something very much worse than I did, directed towards me-- I.e. hitting the wall and stuff-- Actually one is that I waited till he went to work to get all my stuff out of the apt when I left, and he claims that I snuk around-- a week prior he hit the wall 2 inches from my face, and about 2 weeks before that his girlfriend at the time to which I hated and she despised me--- she went through my room and stuff when I was away at work- and left my cat out.. OR the one time that he got the car and basically told me I had to stay home cuz I was "acting like a child" due to I wanted to be a part of the car (I was paying for 1/2 of it-- think that is reasonable no) well I was rather upset- he was rather controlling and hit some stuff before he left and told me I was worthless and I cut myself by the time he got back home and i made a point to show him how much he hurt me-- That story gets turned out that my mother really messed me up-- and that car-- I never am mentioned as the one that paid 1/2 of it, or that I kept up the maintenance on it-- some people are just in their own worlds.
That all is forgotten but me going postal and yelling and saying I would be calling the cops if this stuff did not stop- is not forgotten. And yes at times he laughs about it-- which I love my brother but this is one reason why there is distant between us. I realize he has issues but I wont stand to be told this crap when I know what happened and will admit- yeah I may have went a little over board.

3) people just can't see the truth in things
My Mom is a big example of that- you saved money to move out on your own, while you were working and going to hs and you did not let me have any thing of it--- you stole from me..... little *****- with a little chuckle.

I am sorry for rambling LoveBirds

I am not even sure after writting this all IF IT Even Relates to what you wrote

But those are just a few of my experiences.

All I can suggest is depending on the person that is doing it-- I.e. with my boyfriend-- either try to get it cleared up, try to express in verbal talk on why it hurts you, and try to get validated for your feelings-- I did get a sorry from my boyfriend and that he was not trying to hurt me just he thought it was funny at the time and he was sorry-- I can accept it-- does not make it right to find it funny but he realized after words he hurt me
My brother- I have to basically chose which conversations with him I apply myself in- if he gets too on his high horse with things and neglect the whole story--- I refuse to be a part of it cuz he wont listen to the parts that he is leaving out
And people like my mom-- May she be well but she doesn't have to be in my life

Be well I wish you well and a big hug to you- how rude, and frustrating for others to do such a thing! and then use it against you- that is just lighting the fire more with fuel -

Be well.

[Perna]

I assume it is your family doing this "joking"? I would not be talking about my difficulties with those who could not help me. Just because someone else was "there" does not mean they are reliable blank-filler-inners, even if they were the only one there; I'd rather work with just myself and my own sleuthing than have a person known to try to emotionally hurt me be relied on for good information?

My aunt, my father's sister, and I corresponded about my early childhood; she was across country and we wrote letters back and forth and, later, one of my cousins got into it too as he had his own questions about his own parents that she could help us with. I did not ask my father or older brother questions, I did not want my stepmother to know what I was doing and I was afraid of hurting my father in some way or causing difficulties for myself, he was too "close" to the issues I had. My brother, nine years older than I, has blocked out memories.

No one else's memories of what happened are going to be unbiased! Memories are very individual, like fingerprints; in what is remembered and how it is remembered and how the story of the memory is told. It is good to know the person and their biases before talking with them; I know my aunt hated her mother, my grandmother, and I loved my grandmother so I had to filter some of the "information" I was given through my own ideas of what was what.

I think the true information we can feel "in our bones" and the other stuff, is just stuff. A family member making a joke out of my memory problems would not be someone I would feel kindly about, that would make me angry rather than hurt me. I would make sure they were not in a position to make such comments to me again; would not go to family reunions where such a thing was likely to come up unless I had some family members around who would find it in as poor taste as I did and help squelch the idiot.

One example of the OP is the family "joke" that I once burned cole slaw. The implication in that so-called joke is that not only was I so bad a cook that I burned it, but I was too stupid to know that cole slaw isn't even something you're supposed to cook. Of course, my denying that it ever happened was answered with, "She blocked it out because it was so embarrassing."

There is the slightest possibility that one of my brothers--the one who took the most joy in telling anybody and everybody I burned cole slaw as an example of how stupid I am--honestly thinks it did happen. If so, I know where it came from. You see, other than the gaps in the traumatic events, my memory is actually very detailed and highly reliable. Well, two things happened in my younger years: One, a comic strip appeared in the paper. It was one of those "Lockhorns" type married couples. They're having guests for dinner, and the wife is looking angry while the husband says, "Welcome to our home, the only place in the world you can be served burned cole slaw." Around the same time, when asked what the school lunch had been, I remembered the not-very-shredded cabbage in the cole slaw and said something about "cole slaw that wasn't cut." My mother misunderstood, thought I said "wasn't cooked," laughed, and said, "Honey, you're not supposed to cook cole slaw." Although I did repeat what I said, "wasn't cut," and she accepted that, it's very possible my brother fused these two incidents together in his mind. But I tried to tell him that once, and he wouldn't even let me get the words out. The minute I brought the subject up, it was, "NO! You burned cole slaw because you didn't know you weren't supposed to cook it, and you don't remember it because it was so humiliating you blocked it out." The more I tried to tell what really happened, the more he over-talked me with his own version of it.

He made it a point to tell anyone he had a chance to tell--his friends, my friends, strangers on the street, anyone--and took pleasure in the upset it caused me. Finally I figured out that the angrier I got when he told people, the more likely they were to think it was true. So I stopped getting angry about it (or at least stopped showing it) and eventually he stopped telling everybody. Is this evidence that he didn't really believe it, but was just going for the reaction? If so, the pleasure that comes from upsetting other people, I'll never understand. If he thought it was true, or if he didn't, I'm not sure.

I've also had people (yes, I do mean mostly immediate family members, but an occasional "friend" too) prank me by doing such things as whispering my name, and then when I answered, pretending they didn't say anything, I must be hallucinating, OMG they're worried about me, did I take my medicine today? Or they'll stop talking in mid-conversation, and begin looking at me strangely. With voice full of concern, they'll ask who I was talking to. Them, of course, we'd been talking for the past several minutes. But no, they'll insist they just now walked into the room and caught me talking to myself. Again with the OMG I'm worried, and again with the did I take my medicine today?

It is my opinion that they would only do this to a person with a mental illness, because if their chosen victim did not have a psychiatric diagnosis, there wouldn't be any fun in it. Of course, if I get upset, it's me being too sensitive, and "Chill, I'm just messin' with ya. It's only a joke."

My other brother--not the one guilty of spreading the cole slaw lie--is trying to tell me that I am loved by the family, and always have been. I answer, bull. There have been too many "I was only joking" putdowns, fat jokes, and we-don't-want-you-around messages for me to be under that delusion. People who love you don't tell lies about you, make you look bad in front of other people, or continue "joking" when it obviously hurts you. And they certainly don't use your illness to prank you.