Very depressed

Today is the day my oldest (I have 3 brothers)brother's wife is having his memorial service. He passed away the day before Thanksgiving last yr from internal bleeding which they couldn't find!! (How the hell can you NOT find out where someone is bleeding from?? My mother passed away 3 yrs ago to the same thing!!) and she said since none of us (rest of the family) had the money to fly out to Long Beach, CA, that she will had it done in Jan.

Still none of my family was able to make it. I for one even if I had the money to go, cant go on any planes, buses or trains with my oxygen. I can get passed the Security to the gate, but once at the gate I have to give up my oxygen to someone. What is the use of even trying to get on the planes? Some airlines will let me use "their" oxygen, but once I land, I have to find a place that rents oxygen and hope they are open and take my INS.

It tears me up not being able to go. I can get help to fly out but because of the bull that public transportation now has I cant go!

In Oct last yr I was fighting for my life in the hospital. I had "died" 2 times. Once in the ER another time after surgery. I had 2 surgeries withing 8 hours apart due to an infection in my jaw bone that has spread to my lungs and brain. The only thing that kept me going was that I was going to be a grand mother for the first time in Nov. Well 5 days after I was admitted my daughter went into labor. Her daughter was born Oct 20, weighing just a little over 5 pounds.She lives 2 states away.

I was in the hospital for almost a month. I still feel they let me go too soon. I wasn't able to eat anything and still have trouble eating. I can't open my mouth much, just enough for a straw to get in. I'm still swollen in my face and I'm always hungry now since I can't really eat. I even have trouble trying to take any pills.

I have yet been able to met my grand daughter. suxs.

Been off my medicine for over 3 weeks now as I don't have the money to get them. I'm taking cymbalta for my bi-polar and seroquel to help with "voices". These are the 2 medicine I don't have the money to get till the 1st of Feb. I'm home alone all the time now since my husband has to work. Except for my 8 dogs and sometimes my aunt. I moved here to this state 3 yrs ago to care for my aunt, now my health is going down hill very fast, left my daughter, son and all my friends back in SC. I'm so alone I so hate my life more since I moved here. We live with my aunt so we can help her but who the hell can help me when I need it??

Most the time my aunt is out with her church friends. I'm so tired of her every Sat night asking if I am going to church! I am not Southern Baptist, I am Catholic.

I can't shower unless my husband is home because I can't get into the tub on my own, I won't ask my aunt to help me as she is too weak and legally blind. I have fallen so many times trying to get in or out on my own. Plus the bathroom is too small to have both us "BIG" ladies in there at the same time. I go days, sometimes weeks with a shower because he is either too tired to help me or don't feel good to help me. At lease I can sit on the toilet reach to the sink and wash up some. I end up having water all over the floor, but oh well, I HAVE TO WASH!!!! Right now I'm working on 2 months since I had a shower, my hair stinks so bad and itches from my skin being so dried out. I tried those dry shampoos, they don't work on my hair.
My life so suxs. I sit in my bedroom 24/7 all year long either watching TV which I really don't like to do much of. Or I'm on my PC or sleeping. I don't have the money to get any of my crafting materials, even if I did, my hands don't want to work half the time.

I don't eat dinner till he gets home which is about 9pm and it is usually 10 or 11pm before I am able to eat. In the mornings I ask him to make me something to eat and he is on the computer playing D2 and tell me just a min, the min turns to an hour and by then it's time for him to get ready for work. Forget about me having lunch. I'm lucky if I can stand long enough to make a sandwich of PB&J. Being a insulin depended I have to have an eating schedule, but I don't.

It's getting to the point again of having those dang suicidal thoughts again. I'm so sick and tired of fighting to stay alive day in and day out since I was 21. I'm 52 now. I don't have any support from anyone except my daughter and sometimes my husband. Plus having DID don't help. I've been getting blackouts again and it scares the hell out of me as one of my alts is very violent and if she comes out, all hell will break lose. She has been with me since I was about 6 yrs old. Being without meds, nothing to drink,as in water, soda, tea, (I don't drink beer or the hard stuff since my bday back in 95.) and no cigs is NOT a good thing for me right now. My husband does get me some ice water and ice in another glass before he leaves for work, but come the afternoon, its gone. Time to go, getting chest pains again. Thanks for letting me vent.

Sorry your going through such a sad and difficult time and you can vent here anytime. I was just wondering if you have heard of those home nurses that are paid by the state. A friend of mine has one come in twice a week and she helps her shower and cleans her room and does some physical therapy and it doesnt cost her anthing. I hope you start to feel better and things work out for you.

I know all about them, I used to do home care, thanks for the thought. But there is nothing they can do for me that my husband can do. A waste of what money I dont have. Not only that, I have 8 dogs that stay in my room 24/7 unless they go out the homemade doggie door to go outside. No home care person can come in here with them, and I have no way of locking them outside. They are not allowed in the rest of the house because I dont trust male dogs that like to lift their legs and put their "scent" all over the place because their is a female dog in "heat". Plus I am not on SSD or SSI because I didnt work long enough and my husband just from his Navy retirement check makes too much money! TOO MUCH? What a laugh! He served in the navy for 21 yrs and STILL has to PAID to see a doctor at the VA hospitals!!! Some crap our vets are getting for putting their lives on the line to protect our home! He's been trying since 1996 when he retired to get his disability. Took my oldest brother, the one that passed away, 25 yrs to get his from the USMC because of Agent Orange.

Once house bills and some doc bills are paid, there is no money left to get my meds that the military base dont carry which is my bi polar meds. Tricare don't pay for it all either. Some of my meds even with Tricare paying cost me over 100 bucks! Right now I got a hospital bill that is over 500K, yep and that's JUST the hospital bill, NOT any of the doctors bills!

In order for me to get SSD I have to work 4 more yrs. yea right, not with my mental health, Just know everything in front of me went flying across the room including all parts of my pc! I have been in a psychotic state for the last week and not even my ativan is helping. Today is the first time I (As my so called shrink of an aunt says) had a fit. I do NOT believe she has a degree and was a psychiatrist. She even says she keeps up her lic, if that is true then why the hell will she not help me?? Or at leaset understand me. I also just had a huge fight with my husband while all this is going on. He "thinks" he understands if he does then why the hell does he go off on me or saying that I CAN control it. I wish for just 1 day no a week that he lives with what I have to live with 24/7!! Right now the voices are telling me to kill those around me and myself.Although I heard them all the time. Let him live with THAT sound 24/7 for 45 yrs like I have and TRY to CONTROL IT!