Keeping It Together vs. Falling Apart ...

I've wondered many times during my healing and recovery process why it is that some of us are totally destroyed by our life experiences while others are not ...

I mean I know I'm not the only one who grew up in a home where I was raped, beaten and verbally/emotionally brutalized on a regular basis ... It eventually led to a total mental collapse for me ... And, even though I feel I'm healing and recovering remarkably well ... I feel as if I've missed out on some things and it leaves me wondering ...

I know on an intellectual level that I'm capable of a lot more in life, but emotionally I'm unable to hold up under the stresses of life to actually achieve too much of anything ...

It always amazes me when I run across people in life who have experienced similar experiences and upbringings and instead of being totally undone by it, they've gone on to become successful doctors, lawyers, business owners, artists, musicians, scientists, writers, leaders, teachers, etc. ...

It's not that they have been unphased by what they went through early on in life, it's just that somehow they were able to bounce back from it better ...

Has anyone else ever wondered how and why this is ... ? ... Any clues or suggestions as to why some of us "survivors" were/are able to keep it together while others among us have totally fallen apart ... ?

Thanks!

Sincerely,
BrokenCloud

some people want to live, some are indifferent, some want to die

Hi BrokenCloud; I can relate to this on not achieving all that I once thought I hoped to do. Working was the main stumbling block for me. Another thing is having the financial aid to getting the education one needs to go forward in life and get some sort of specialty. So my jobs were always on the lower scale financially because of lack of education. I have been able to be very much a survivor; but not terribly good as an achiever in the working world. I've achieved strongly in my personal life however.

Although I was recommended for two scholarships during graduation time; my folks were not financially able nor had any enthusiasm to educate myself or my siblings.
We were suppose to marry after high school; and I was having none of that for
my personal wishes. I joined the USAF (I'm Female) and became a flight attendant
for Military Air Transport Service. I was soon promoted to the VIP flights out of
Washington area and traveled weekly to Europe. So this was an adventure and kept
me from being forced to marrying young. I did marry at almost 25.

I think a person has to think out of the box as a survivor to make a life for themselves. I did find I dealt more with the past however during my early 30s and
a very, very struggling time for several years. Some folks don't deal with things right away, and can be quite older before their bottle overflows with the hurts.

I don't know if this is anyway answering your question, but thought the question is an excellent one.
Hugs, bj

brookwest,
I ask the same questions but when you have PTSD and others don't struggle with it, you have to understand that from the information I have read it depends upon when someone was abused. It also depends upon the size of their hypocampus because some people (as they have learned through studies) have smaller hypocampus's than others are are more prone to this disorder.

Now I was abused as a young child before age five and unbeknownst to me it affected how my brain established a lot of the abilities to progress, have a strong personality and be more independant. I managed to survive and do a lot of things, but there were things that held me back too, fears about certain things, hense I avoided them.
I didn't suffer like I do now, my brain managed to stay off the bad things I experienced. But now because I experienced a big trama, I am invaded by all these bad experiences I had growing up. I know had this not happened I could have gone on not really knowing how much I was disturbed or threatened in my past.

I think when someone has abuse in their past, if they struggled a lot, then if they are in situations that present a lot of personal struggles the brain tries to find resolve.
From what I have read our brains sort through our memories to find answers and in that finds other situations that were presented that were similar to see if there was a resolve.

I talked to my therapist about why for so many years I was ok and then suddenly all this stuff is coming forward. He told me that something bad can happen and because we still need to survive our brain just hides it or represses it so we can continue on, survive and grow. A young girl can experience abuse, somehow move on in life repressing the bad memories and feelings about the abuse and then many years later can be addressing her own child that is the same age and simply be thinking about her own child and how to raise that child and suddenly a memory can come forward. However, and abusive memory can bring forward a lot of emotions that were very upsetting and confusing. This is upsetting and because anything upsetting now has to have an answer the brain searches and if there was more abuse, that comes forward too. The problem is that as these bad upsetting memories come forward, they also bring all the emotions and fears with them and it can be just as if they are happening in the present. Because we are frightened and alarmed by these memories, the brain produces the corizol that is normal for a brain to be on high alert but that is only for the first 7 minutes, after that it stresses the brain.

With PTSD it is very important that the person who is struggling get therapy and address these bad memories and work on self soothing, and resolve. And that is one of the reasons why CBT is helpful as well as talk therapy via therapy and support groups. It is also very important that when someone experiences PTSD that they are in a non stress environment as well. It is very important for the person who is addressing the PTSD to seek this low stress enviornment along with therapy as soon as possible. This is not always done with people who suffer from PTSD. But what does happen is those that suffer do isolate themselves and sense that need for quiet and low stress. But isolation alone doesn't cure PTSD, therapy has to also take place and for some people therapy needs to be frequent and validating and focused on resolve. Each person is going to be different depending on what abuse/tramas they experienced in their pasts. Discussing these unresolved memories are important because it can teach a person to slowly find resolve and allow these events to just be memories with a sense of resolve, they have been validated addressed and the emotions were allowed to finally be expressed. These emotions can include fear, confusion, and anger that should all be expressed and appropriately mourned.

The truth is that PTSD doesn't have to be so crippling NOT IF IT IS ADDRESSED FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO ADDRESS. That is why it is so important for anyone who suddenly begins to suffer to get addressed and slowly work through whatever is disturbing and upsetting.

I have to be honest, I have been suffering with PTSD badly. But I am also stressed everyday because the event that brought on my PTSD is still presenting me with challenges and unresolve. The system I am involved with keeps me trapped within the trama, I have to remember all the details and damage and this process is unfairly allowed to continue for several years. Last year alone I was asked to prepare for several depositions that never took place. Often a deposition can be scheduled suddenly as well, and for someone who suffers from PTSD, any SUDDENLY is very bad for the brain. Personally, I THINK THIS IS THE MOST INHUMANE PROCESS AND IS CURRENTLY LEGALLY ACCEPTABLE.

People who struggle with PTSD DO need to have therapy and an environnment that is low in stress until they can LEARN how to slowly resolve AND gain skills that can help them regain a productive forward moving stronger sense of personal well being. It has been shown that when people who suffer from PTSD are taken away from high stress enviornments and are receiving therapy do fair much better and can even regain much strength and positive thinking skills. Hense they can say, yeah I had this and that bad thing happen but I am dealing better now. Personally I avoid any just get over it sentiments and instead try to advise others who suffer to give it time in therapy and try to lower their stressful environments. Dont be hard on yourself if you have a bad day and struggle, give yourself time to heal, and make sure you have a good therapist, it really is a must.

brook, the people you are referring to that have managed to move forward and gain careers are also people that were educated and did progress which allowed them to overcome these past tramas. However, anyone who has a history of abuse CAN be affected by PTSD if they are again tramatized and are in a situation where they are threatened and stressed and feel unsafe.

Keeping it together verses falling apart is a skill. That skill can be learned in therapy over time.

Open Eyes

to me it boils down to making a choice...opting to live, survive & fight or not. somehow deep inside there is something that makes a conscious decision to fight..i am not talking a fight/flight one ..that is a short term survival method. this is more of a long term commitment.

look my parents wanted me dead from the 1st time they laid eyes on me. i was not the perfect child they dreamed of. they tried daily to kill me..thru rape, beatings, etc. childhood was a daily dose of hell. they told me i would be killed at 18 because i wasn't pretty or stupid enough to just go be a breeder.

i am a fighter have been from that very first day. used my too small hipocamos sized brain to fight. never let them get the best of me as a child or young adult. i fought back...made a promise to myself..they could have my body but not my soul.

developed DID besides ptsd ..but i managed to do very well at school & sports & despite being told i would be dead at 18 finagled myself into jr college & then a full ride to a 4 yr private school. then later i stumbled onto a career..a career which also gave me ptsd..but one i loved.

what worked for me was making a choice to live...& fight...& thrive. knowing what works for you & running with it. despite the odds..look everyone has adversity...for many reasons...some much worse than mine..& again it boils down to making a choice.

i have a brother & a sister...i have not seen or heard from them in over 20 yrs. & that is just fine. one is mentally ill...the other just like his father. they made their choices
early on my sister never fought...she was the chosen daughter because of her looks etc. last i heard she was homeless & schizophrenic. my brother...i do not need to know where he is. choices.

illness is illness..be it cancer, the flu, ptsd, depression, asthma...no one wants any of them...but you can wallow or you can deal with it and live life. any day i spend wallowing is one i would miss out on enjoying something else...it's just that simple.

do i have ptsd? yes. but i also have asthma, high blood pressure, orthopedic issues, tri-geminal neuralgia, bipolar, & a host of other things. i could wallow for over a week if i chose to honor each one of them..but then i have lost that week.

I have always believed in the fact that some are survivors and some are not. Well put stumpy! It is a choice as to how we react. Great question I have wondered myself though the years. Thanks for posting.

Open Eyes and Stumpy, You two addressed this so WELL!! Thanks for giving me extra insight. I found as my life was stressed more, that eventually the dam burst. You both make greatest survivors but apparently good thrivers. Kudos to you both! I think I'm beginning the process of thriver myself...and doggone, it feels good!
Hugs, bj

Hi, BrokenCloud!

I would tend to think that the only people who are "totally destroyed" by their life experiences are those who wind up destroying themselves physically. Everyone else survives in some way, shape or form. A survivor is simply someone who continues breathing.

But there are more and different survival modes than there are colors in a rainbow. Each of which permits the survivor to capitalize on their own strengths and talents to different extents. And, to me at least, you're only in trouble if you have a six or eight cylinder engine and are only firing on one cylinder. If you have a one cylinder engine and are firing that all the time, you're cool.

In other words, what your mental situation may force you to give up in life needs (I think) to be evaluated against what you might theoretically have achieved using all your skills and talents and intelligence. And me, I'm pretty much in your shoes. I really don't have the slightest idea how some people survive intact the most destructive kinds of early childhoods.

Sure didn't happen to me. I've always been the eight cylinder firing on one. If I had to guess about the reasons why some damaged people are able to use a greater percentage of their inherent gifts, I would opt for temperament. Temperament is the inherited portion of our personality, and it's entirely possible that resilience is a function of temperament.

You've asked an excellent question that deserves an excellent answer. I don't know if a real answer exists yet or is a few hundred years down the line. I guess it boils down to resilience and what it's made of. Right now it's rather mysterious. In the future it won't be. Take care!

BrokenCloud,
I think this was a good question to ask. Ofcourse I know you deal with PTSD, but there are others that have other issues that they have to work around. Keeping it together is a challenge for many. Just because someone is a successful person, doesn't mean they don't face private challenges you don't see.

Open Eyes

Coming from a psych perspective, people have different stress tolerances. This doesn't mean anyone is stronger than anyone else, but the way the nervous system functions differs between individuals and create unique responses to stress. This might be why some people freak out easily while others grow through crisis. It isn't all down to life experiences. As you've said, many people have the same or similar life experiences but 'do better'. Their biological make up and inner temperament as well as life events, adult support networks and inner drive can cause individual differences.

I think we all have our different backgrounds and experiences which might sound the same but weren't really. Our age, natural temperaments, surroundings (number, age, gender of siblings, for example), there's so much that goes into our experiences that can't be duplicated.

Just your thinking. . . "they've gone on to become successful doctors, lawyers, business owners, artists, musicians, scientists, writers, leaders, teachers, etc. ..." as if there is an automatic "becoming" that happens and that you have missed; I was 57 when I got the degree I went after starting when I was 16 and I consider myself "successful". To me, artists are those who create art; musicians, those who make music; writers, those who write, etc. Not everyone's path is the same or even as "successful" as it may appear to someone on the outside? You probably look quite successful to someone else, despite how you feel.