Had to lie to make it sound true.

OK
This is my first post, but I really need somewhere to vent.

Here is my situation...
I have a bad case of complex PTSD and DID as a result of a really abusive childhood and a few rotten boyfriends. As a result of all the stress I have a poor immune system. I have had an appendectomy, tonsillectomy and ovarian surgery all within the past 1.5 years. My body is tired, and as one could imagine my PTSD and DID is running rampant.

I am a hard worker. I have managed to stay in school and receive a 3.9 GPA. I work my *** off and I am proud of it.

Well I moved to a new city due to some stressful situations and enrolled in a new university that is VERY conservative. Though I have no problem with those who are conservative, I DO have a problem with those who are close minded *** holes.

So about 3 weeks into school I realized my condition had worsened. I was writing stuff backwards, forgetting where I was going, the date etc. My dissociation had gotten incredibly worse due to stress. So I went to a doctor and he began playing with my medication.

Well, we all know how fun that is. I ended up missing about 2 weeks of school. He put me on high dosages of Topamax and as a result it made me lethargic, MORE forgetful, and confused, it gave me diarrhea and made me constipated...etc. Most days I couldn't get out of bed.
Knowing that I had an appointment every two weeks to get my medications checked, I figured he would help me out with the classes that I missed by excusing me for the few days before my appointment.
Well...he decided that he couldn't do that. As a result I had about a week of unaccounted for absences. The one class in particular, Aerobic Walking, I was going to fail in if I didn't turn in an excuse.

So, knowing that I would FAIL IF I DIDN’T turn in a doctor’s excuse and quite possibly FAIL IF I LIED and changed the date...I decided to take a chance and change to excuse to including just one of the unaccounted for missed classes, giving me enough lead way to finish the semester with a barely passing grade in that class.

Meanwhile the doctor managed to fix my medication and get me back to a somewhat working condition. Upon returning to school I gave the fake excuse to my Aerobic Walking instructor and hoped for the best.

Well she didn't buy it and managed to call my doctor and find me guilty of lying. She decided to fail me in the class and treat me like a piece of %#@&#! on the side of the road.

She is dangling the possibility of turning me into the Deans office in front of my face. I could loose this entire semester because of this situation.

To make matters worse I am under a huge amount of stress to finish college as quickly as possible because my dad is a drunk and will quite loose his job with time.

Well I am obviously upset and feel horribly misunderstood. I am not a liar, but she is convinced I am evil. I feel let down by the school and the doctors and most of all I hate my life and myself.

If anyone could add any enlightening comments to this story, I would appreciate it. I really would like to know others opinions. Quite frankly, I am confused as to whether or not to view myself as a liar.

I had to lie to make it sound true.

I wish I knew what to say but I wanted to let you know I read your post and I'm sorry for what is going on in your life right now.

Jbug

Thanks

This is really one of those Catch 22 situations. I am sorry you had to go through all of that. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom and support - all I can say though, is that I understand why you did what you did and don't think you are less of a person because of it.

Welcome to PC - please also know that you will receive much support and understanding here.

I understand why you feel you had to do what you did. Nobody was listening to you, and nobody would help you. That doesn't make it right, but you were just trying to protect yourself.
A lot of 'norms' don't understand what it is to deal with things like PTSD, or DID, so they tend to skip around those issues. Your teacher just sounds plain insensitive. Don't try explaining yourself to her, but if things do come up to the Dean, I would let him/her know what's going on with you. Maybe there's a possibility that you could do some extracarricular (sp) stuff to make up your grade. I'll keep you in my thoughts, as you deal with this. ((((cantbringmedown))))

hmmmmm --- thought a lot about this and if i should post----
ummmm -- well forgetting about what u did regardless of why you did it --- whats done is done and you cant like undo it --lol duh that was kind of profound

i guess the focus now should be damage control ----
i think perhaps it would behoove you to go talk to the school counsler -- it is confidential --- let her know what u did and why and the medication havoc on your physiological system --- if this goes well she could really facilitate things between you and your instructor and at the very least give you some ideas on how best to clean up the mess made

we all make messes in life indeed (believe me i have made more than my share )-- but perhaps the true statement of character both outwardly and inwardly -- is to admit out mistake, make ammends and learn how to do better

best of luck to you -- im sorry this is going on in your life
zoe

oops i forgot to say one other thing

i dont think one action be it good or bad really should --ummm dictate how we view ourselves--- i dont think --lol

oh and welcome -- okay i think that is all lol

z

for starters a liar is someone who tells a lie. In the definition there is no distinction of how many lies a person has to tell. Therefore one lie and the person does run the chance of others calling them a liar. Once a person tells one lie it takes rebuilding of trust to get rid of that label of "liar". In order to build trust once again the person who thinks someone is a liar must experience many many situations in which the person who lied to them does not lie to them again. you want to get rid of being thought of as a liar you need to stop any and all lieing.No matter why you do so. As you have found out one lie can cause many problems and it is best not to lie because in the end the lie gets found out. it may take minutes hours days weeks months and years for that to happen but it does happen. Think about a time when someone lied to you and how you felt...that is how these people now feel about you and your one lie. To change their opinion of you, you are going to have to go above and beyond by never again telling a lie to those people.

Now Topomax A friend of mine is on that for epilepsy, I have helped her gather info and ask her doctor questions and went to appointmennts. one of my questions to her physician was if this medication was prescribed also for mental health reasons in general (not related to my friend) I was told no This medication is strictly for migraines, epilepsy and physical chemical problems like Bipolor. Its also a suppressant like welbutrin in people with eating disorders. and he gave me the website for more info on it - Topomax.com and also Psyweb those sites explain that medication.

As you can see by this information by psyweb (on the bottom of this post) this medication does not cause constipation and diarreah. in fact any medications that cause these two symptoms t he patient has one or the other problem not both at the same time. I would suggest you ask your treatment professional more questions and let him know you are experiencing constipation AND diareah there may be something physically going on here that you do not know about.....

Also PTSD is having flashbacks (memories of abuse and trauma related situations, depression, panic and anxiety attacks, DID is memories that have been stored at the unconscious level and the person is acting them out when they become afraid or upset. These are mental disorders not physical disorders. Though depression can cause physical problems like not wanting to eat so the person loses weight, PTSD and DID do not cause immune system. Viruses cause immune stystem problems, Viruses cause a person to have to have their tonsels removed and virus and bacteria problems causes appendix to become inflamed and requiring removal. Ovarian problems are caused by physical health problems associated with the reproductive organs ie cancer, cysts, blockages and pregnancy. So again I would ask your physician alot more questions so that you fully understand what is happening to you.

I have DID and sometimes a friend accompanies me to my appointments that are more than just a check up so that should I have a dissociative experience while there my friend can continue to write down the my physicians information for me.

You can find out more information about DID by reading my Blog - Me, Myself and I. Tp get there you click on the word blog at the top of this page and then in a white square along the side you will see in a white box the words - get your own. click on that. On the page that comes up click on the words Me, Myself and I along the side in the collumn that says most active blogs.

Good luck on the school situation.

Topomax ( Topiramate ) is used in the adjunctive treatment of partial onset seizures in adults and pediatric patients ages 2 to 16 years, in Binge-eating disorder, and to treat bipolar disorder. Add on treatment for primary generalized tonic-clonic seizures in adults and children, 2-16 years old.

Topomax ( Topiramate ) can help reduce the frequency of migraines. Benefits of migraine prevention:

Reduce the frequency, severity, and duration of your migraines
Improve your ability to carry out daily activities
CLASS: Anticonvulsant.
Generic name:
Type: Anti-seizures

Strengths:

Tables:
25 mg, 100 mg, 200 mg.

Dosages: Actual dosage must be determined by a physician.

Adult

Oral:
Start: 50 mg.
Increases: 50 mg each week for eight weeks, until the dose is 400 mg / day.
Maintenance: N/A
Maximum: 400 mg daily, in 2 divided doses.

NOTE: If CCR < 70 mL / 1. 73 m2, use one half of the usual adult dose.

Children, 2-16 years

Oral:
Start: 5-9 mg / kg / day in two divided dose.
Increases: N/A
Maintenance: N/A
Maximum: N/A

Normal dosage:

Adult: 200 mg daily, in 2 divided doses.

Problems with:
Liver Function: Lower dosage with care, increase as needed.
Kidney Function: Lower dosage with care, increase as needed.

Test:
Before taking: Liver / Kidney.
While taking: Liver / Kidney.

The metabolic breakdown of Topomax will be reduced increasing the duration and intensity of its effects.

Take With: Can be taken with or without food.

Full Benefits: 2 to 3 months before evaluating therapeutic effect.

Missed Dose(s): If within one hour take, if over an hour skip and then continue on your normal schedule.
Never Take a Double Dose

If Stop Taking: Do not stop without consulting your physician and never abruptly are you may develop withdrawal seizures.

Overdose symptoms include: N/A.

Warnings

Patients with hepatic function impairment may have increased Topiramate plasma concentrations and a dosage adjustments may be needed. Avoid alcohol while taking this drug. Use extra caution if you have any liver or kidney impairment. ( The metabolic breakdown of Topomax will be reduced increasing the duration and intensity of its effects ). Topomax may increase the frequency of kidney stones.

IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION
Serious risks associated with TOPAMAX include lowered bicarbonate levels in the blood resulting in an increase in the acidity of the blood (metabolic acidosis), and hyperventilation (rapid, deep breathing) or fatigue. More severe symptoms of metabolic acidosis could include irregular heartbeat or changes in the level of alertness. Chronic, untreated metabolic acidosis may increase the risk for kidney stones or bone disease. Your doctor may want to do simple blood tests to measure bicarbonate levels.

Other serious risks include increased eye pressure (glaucoma), decreased sweating, increased body temperature, kidney stones, sleepiness, dizziness, confusion, and difficulty concentrating. Tell your doctor immediately if you have blurred vision or eye pain.

Patients taking estrogen-containing contraceptives should be asked to report any change in their bleeding patterns. Contraceptive efficacy can be decreased even in the absence of breakthrough bleeding.
Although there was a dose-dependent decrease in EE exposure for doses between 200 mg/day and 800 mg/day, there were no significant dose-dependent changes in EE exposure for doses of 50 mg/day to 200 mg/day. The clinical significance of these changes is not known. The possibility of decreased contraceptive efficacy and increased breakthrough bleeding should be considered in patients taking combination oral contraceptive products with TOPAMAX

Do not take this drug if you are pregnant. ( Only take if the mother's or baby's life is endangered )

Do not take this drug if planning to become pregnant. Do not take if you are breast-feeding.

Do not give this drug to anyone under the age of two years. Only use drug in small doses at first if over sixty and with close monitoring.

Do not use if: You had negative reactions to this drug in the past.

Inform your Doctor if: You had negative reactions to this drug in the past.

Topomax ( Symptoms or Effects )

Common: Anxiety, depression, sedation, speech problems, double vision, abnormalities in vision, decreased appetite, impaired cognition, memory impairment, dizziness, impaired muscular coordination, tingling in the extremities, an unsteady gait, nausea, respiratory infections, or weight loss.

Rare: Weight gain.

See physician always: Anxiety, depression, sedation, speech problems, double vision, abnormalities in vision, decreased appetite, impaired cognition, memory impairment, dizziness, impaired muscular coordination, tingling in the extremities, an unsteady gait, nausea, respiratory infections, weight gain, or weight loss.

Right right about the topamax

A few more things to explain...
My mother continously posined me as a child. As a result I have a poor immune system. The stress makes it worse.

I am also on, I think 300mg, of wellbutrin for the migrain i have had for months. I also take lexapro.

I have sent my teacher an apology, so thank you for that advice.

any more comments...i appreciate them

oh yah...I had hypersomnia because the Topmax made me depressed...or at least that is what they told me

yes myself is right -- the reasons listed are some reasons topamax is perscribed --- she listed both labeled use and off label use reasons
there are additional off label reasons docs perscribe Topamax

ie for severe PMS and some docs think it helps to decrease the incidenece in switching ---also some find it is helpful for mood stabilization--however there is some degree of ummm controversy about that (or at least there was)

lol just FYI --- -- lol ummm i dont know all the reasons --but those are at least a few more that i have seen

z

ummm i hope it is ok i posted that here -- not really sure if it goes with the original post --- my apologies if i have not followed posting ummm guidelines

zoey

oh yah and another...they put me on topmax because my mother was an epileptic as well.

Thanks Zoey. My friends doctor never told me that Topomax was being experiemented with on trying to control DID switches. That in itself I find funny since DID switching is trigger related not physical body problems related. Im going to forwards that info on to a few DID professionals they will enjoy the laugh of what medical physicians do to help cure this menta/memory storage problem called DID. I can hear one of them now -

"by gosh why don't they just go back to the days of the labotomys and hysterectomys for cure alls and leave us mental professionals to do our jobs."

He is getting ready to retire and remembers the days when mental disorders were not considered and any one who had a mental disorder was Hysterical and physical surgury proceedures were performed as the cure all. He consideres this present time frame as the days of the misconception of a pill cures all...

Thanks for the new info.

ummmm myself?

i think it is related to like the mood stabilzation thing? i dont know --

i know there are a lot of docs out there that prescribe antianxiety -- to help control switching as well --- as u are right it is trigger related and it is known that stress and anxiety exacerbate the problem of being triggered or so i have been told??????

i didnt mean to imply it was a cure all
i meant only to give the information

of course i dont know near as much as you do -- and therefore have no judgement on their reasoning

all i know is that a lot of docs know or at least believe that there are back door ways of treating a many of number of things -- that to me dont seem to make sense --- but of course lol -- i didnt go to human medical school and do residencies and specialize or anything --- lol

so that is just to say i was just passing information --- and i dont know that it is good and i dont know that it is UNGOOD -- i only know that it is

peace out myself

i cant imagine why professionals would laugh at each others ways in practicing medicine --lol seems rather unprofessional to me ---lol
z

ummm is it okay to be talking about this on this post?it seems kind of like off topic or something

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
This medication is strictly for migraines, epilepsy and physical chemical problems like Bipolor.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Excuse me! I was prescribed Topamax by a psychiatrist as a mood stabilizer! I have anxiety/depression.

And yes, you CAN have diarrhea and constipation at the same time. If your intestines get blocked by constipation, the more liquid diarrhea will seep around it.

We are not doctors nor psychiatrists here. We should leave the diagnosing to THEM! PLEASE!

hi there and welcome, cantbringmedown. i love your name!

i couldn't take topomax either. I live with a dissociative disorder as well, and couldn't take it. it caused the dissociative like symptoms to worsen as well. i so understand what you're going thru with that! i was prescribed topomax for a nerve disorder in face due to damage to that nerve. the neurologist explained that topomax in prescribed for MANY things...my family doctor confirmed that and said it would help the "mood changes and weight gain" associated with peri-menopause as well. i've read where it is increasingly being prescribed as a mood stabalizer so i can see where a doctor might think that it could help with "switching". for me, it was a physical increase in "blanking out" which added to dissocition. not fun! i'm glad you're getting that resolved. it's a good drug for some though.

as far as the combination g/i problem, that's awful to go through. i've done that as well and hope it resolves as you body adjusts.

i understand the lie. with dissociative disorders, we're always trying to compensate, aren't we? it's so difficult. i'm sorry that you were "found out". can you be honest with what happened in explaining that you were trying to cover up for what you really couldn't "account for" by explaining dx. i would go a step further and ask my therapist to write a letter to the teacher. do you think that could happen?

again, i want to welcome you and let you know that you're not alone...on many counts. i've experienced much of what you have and know where you're coming from. don't ever hesitate to PM, ok? i'll listen...

KD

yes triggers cause anxiety. antianxiety meds work on the anxiety symptoms of panic but it doesn't control the triggers only the person with the trigger can find that trigger that is in the present and take care of it. for example a medication cannot fix the fact that someone sees a person on the street that reminds them of the abuser. It is that act of seeing the person that looks like one of the abusers that makes the person panic. Having meds on board just makes the symptom of being anxious and panicy so that the person does not experience the panic attaks but because the brain has already taken in from the sense of sight that person who looks like one of the abusers and the person is not using grounding techniques and is not trying to imagine themselves out of that situation the brain matches that sight sense with the unconsciously stored piece of memory of the sight of the abuser and automatically switches that person into acting out that memory content. In order to stop the automatic switch the person has to remain physically and mentally connected while that memory replays so that they can recognize it as a memory and what happened which will restore that memory as a conscious memory so that the person is no longer acting out that memory (switching) The switching still happened regardless of the medication because this is a memory storage problem not a chemical imbalance of the brain problem.

Its ok I know you were not implying it wasn't a cure all that was my statement of thinking about this one professionals reaction to physicians trying to cure mental disorders with medication.

Finding humor in situations helps in many situations and physicians have jokes about the "looney bin" just like there are blond jokes, and democratic/ republican jokes and so on. Sometime my dear Zoey joking about things in the oposite professions is acceptable. I have a great one about DID and I even make fun about my DID for example I sometimes at night while in a memory piece eat. and I wake up the next day and not knowing I had made a sanwhich the night before step out of bed and unto a parcially eaten sandwhick. Now I could get all upset over the fact that this happens and that still woun't change the fact that I still have a sandwhich stuck to my foot complete with mayo or peanutbutter. So instead of getting upset I say pedicure anyone? and take care of cleaning up the mess.

No matter what the circumstances and profession and or carreer there is a joke to match it. It just takes looking for them that will make life easier.

I use humor and my professional friend also uses humor so that is how he will react when I forwards that info to him. Its not that he wont take it seriously and check it out for more info for me its just that the humor will come along for the ride. Having DID myself I do want to know more about this side of topomax which is why I am going to forwards the info - I want the professional point of view on it.

Any chance of seeing another doctor? It sounds to me that your current dr is being a bit unfair. I know it is very difficult to go and tell someone new about it all again. However if you felt able to do this, perhaps they would be willing to write something to certify that during that time you were too ill to attend class.

I guess I have the view that the less school, university, work knows the better, but that is purely personal and perhaps seeing the school counsellor would be the other most productive step

good luck

What was the original subject again???

Thanks for all the posts everyone. I really appreciate it

lol "myself" @ my dear zoey --- heheheheh that is cute

so dearest myself -- hehehehe ---

like i said -- you know more way about this stuff than I do --- lol -- all i know is what i have been told -- and now i am being told different --lol by you!!! -- so i am just going to go with the idea .... that there are no hard and fast rules

i am just guessing that we all have different experiences and different biological make-ups that account for all of our different --- ummmm ways of BEING
and that there is no ONE way things happen --- even when talking about being dissociative or having dissociative identity disorder

this is the only way i can account for all the variation -- that i have encountered --lol

--- and can't? i was hoping you would keep us all posted if you are want on how this situation ends up resolving itself --- best of luck to you -- and again WELCOME!!!!

zo

My Dear Zoey --

When I get my responses from my professional connections if you would like that info too I will gladly send you a pm with an update.

As for different views on DID ... Yes I am well versed in the disorder and yes I know the point of view that I post from and that professional information that I post and blog about is not always what others believe. Which is why most of my info is in the blog area now so that it isn't completey in everyones face upsetting them. You have read parts if not all of my blog so you already know how to find my info if you are interested so I won't waste alot of room here and end up upsetting others

But What I will say is that my blog goes through from creation to my healing my DID. Those that are interested in DID and want more info you can find it there. I have also posted a good many of my resourses in the Dissociative Disorders message boards, and Kimmy pinned it to the top for easy access and those that want to add more non fiction resouces are welcome to do so.

Feel free to print off my blogging info and take to your therapy professionals.

Also yes everyone is not a clone of each other so how they react to medications and treatment programs is just how they react. though this factor does not change how DID is created and what it is and how I have been working in therapy and on my own to heal from it.

Take care my dearest zoey. and all.

dearest myself

that would most AWESOME

thank you et al muchly
zo