[CoachT]

I am looking to see if someone out there can help me with something that has been building as a problem in my life, and I'm not sure exactly if it's normal or exactly what can be done about it.

I'm 33, in a happy marriage with two kids, ages 2 and 4. I take meds for Adult ADD, and feel that the meds typically help a great deal. I am a teacher and highly successful coach, and typically stay pretty busy.

Lately, I've been feeling almost suffocated, and while driving home from work it dawned on me that literally, I had not spent a minute of time by myself for over nine months. My wife works third shift, 2-3 days a week, and between kids at home and kids to coach, I had not spent a minute to myself over the better part of the year.

As I paid more attention to it, it seems as if some people have as much as at least an hour a day, in some cases several hours. I don't know what a healthy balance is and have no idea what to look for. Since discussing it with my wife, she's twice taken the kids to a park for an hour on Sundays. It's been a fraction of what I feel I need, but honestly I don't know if I'm even experiencing something that is rational. I think it is, but don't know.

I've become unproductive when trying to get ahead, and find myself staring at a computer screen. It's been as bad or worse the two times that I've had about an hour to do work at home, and now, I don't feel comfortable when I'm just simply trying to spend time with my kids or relax.

For anyone who as any ideas, advice, or input, I guess I'd like ot know the following....

1. Is this normal, or am I being neurotic.
2. If it is normal, how much time would be reasonable to ask for and how much is normally needed (time to self)
3. If I'm unable to get time for myself, is there anything I can do to try to cope?

Thanks...look forward to seeing people's ideas.

[(JD)]

Welcome to PC. I live alone but still find that I need to spend at least 30 minutes a day in meditation to maintain a sense of balance. Good question!

[bipolar_bear]

I think everyone needs some time alone but I also think it varies from person to person. I am sorry that you are not getting what you need. Maybe you could experiement and see what it takes to give you some relief. I know as a working mom that it can get pretty intense. Please take care of yourself too. I hope you find what you are looking for and find some balance in your life. Btw it was nice meeting you.

hello and welcome to the forums......you are not being neurotic..lol....of course we all need time to ourselves....and i think that the amount will vary from day to day.....with a wife and kids and a career there are probably going to be days where an hour is all you can muster up......and its a real plus that your wife is so supportive of this....in the long run it will make you a better husband and father.....the one thing i think you will need to learn is how to relax when you do take that time.......after being busy for such a long time you have probably forgotten HOW to relax...good luck and please let us know how you are coming along.....

[ozzie]

I think we all need time alone. I'm having a problem with this too since my husband retired. My youngest son still lives at home too. Between the two of them, I am rarely alone and it doesn't feel good at all.

The best thing I can do is get totally absorbed in whatever I'm doing at the time. I know you can't do that when you are taking care of children though.

I sure hope you can figure out a way to have a little time to yourself. I think it's really important. I'd better work on it too.

[Christina86]

Hi CoachT

Welcome to PC.

I'm not fond of "alone" time because it makes me feel strangely enough, completely alone. I'm better able to recupperate and work on my mental health battery when in a small group, or one-on-one (or with a pet/animal, they're nice to be around!)

Me being alone makes me feel like a sloth, because I really don't get anything done. So basically my time alone with myself ceases to be of any use after about an hour or two.

If you can't find any time for yourself, I'd suggest finding an activity YOU find pleasurable and trying to do it with your wife or kids. Make it some sort of routine, where everyone gets to pick some sort of activity they find pleasurable (if its at all possible).

Hope you get some time alone to yourself soon.

[January]

Hello Coach T,

Welcome to PC.

Everyone needs time alone. We all need to nurture ourselves. Do you have some kind of hobby you've always wanted to do but never had the time? Is there a book you've been wanting to read? How about a hike in the park? Give your body something to do and free your mind to ramble. We all need it. Perhaps an hour is not enough. Try different times and see what works. You definately need to take care of yourself. You are overloaded.

I used to be a workaholic because I had no choice. I paid mightily for it.

My best,

Jan

[Lexicon78]

Yes, everyone needs time to themselves, but as to how much time? Well, that's an individual preference.

For years, I didn't want any time to myself. But slowly I began giving it to myself. Some days I require more alone time than other days. It's not always the same.

I'm sure since you feel overly suffocated by the lack of alone time that you might feel the urge to get a lot of it all at once! I'd suggest that you start out at first getting 30-45 minutes of alone time. Then if you need more time you can see where you can get it.

I'm sure that being married, having little ones, being a teacher and a coach kinda takes up a lot of time in your life at times. Try to get as much time alone that you can.

I hope this helps a little more.

[CoachT]

Thanks for the advice. At least I don't feel like I'm being unrealistic when asking for time, or for needing it.

I actually did begin to feel like I needed to take all the time at once, and I don't want to feel like that. I'd rather get it in small doses, and almost not even notice it. With teaching/coaching, there is a lot of prep work though, and as we've added to the family, being able to focus on work while there's kids running around has become real difficult.

Also, we moved from another state to where we have no relatives or family nearby, which cuts down on time my wife would be visiting her family...and job went from first to third shift, which used to allow for an hour or two a day in some cases if I got home first. That never happens now.

I think the suggestions are good.....and much appreciated. With two young kids, you can bet I'll probably be on here some other time looking for help in keeping sanity.

[Maven]

Everyone needs different amounts of alone time. For some, an hour is plenty. For others, like me, we need many hours a day. After all the time you've had NOT alone, I think you need at least a day to yourself. Is there any way you could just get away for a weekend, just to recuperate? Do anything you want to do, anything you like to do. After so much time with others, you might not know what to do first, but that's when you just have to pick something. Or maybe you want to do nothing...just sit, lay down, or sleep. Whatever feels right. There's no shame in needing time away from others.

Many shrinks and high school counselors try to push patients who spend a lot of time alone into being more social, but some of us really need that time alone. It doesn't mean we're antisocial, but we enjoy our alone time without it being spend in a depressed state. I like to listen to music alone (besides letting me concentrate on the music, being alone keeps others from seeing me lip-syncing and dancing badly, LOL!), reading, and if I had a car, I'd be driving alone. I used to enjoy being out alone in my mom's car, but since it was her car, I couldn't go where I wanted and had to bring it back to her, LOL!

I don't think it's healthy to NOT have time alone, at least a little bit, here and there.