Discussing Private Issues Involving Other Members

tomi, are you saying that i pointed a finger? and if you are saying that, would you explain, in detail, what you mean?

Since this whole thread is about keeping conflict limited to PM, can we please keep any conflict caused by this thread limited to PM?

Thanks,
Rayna

i'm more than happy to keep it in PMs. it's been in PMs until today............pat

............................ pleeeeeeeeaaaase....

How/Why did it get this far Were all adults. One tries to blow it off (you know who you are) and other tries to make it worse. Quit egging each other on. Nothing will become of this it will just escalate further

Who ever is involved just be the better person and let it go. Then it will end!!! As my daughter says "Squash It"

I just want to offer my support to both parties or all parties that are involved.
END IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

((((((((((((((((((((( To All Of You Involved ))))))))))))))))))))

I agree when issues are private. I agree the private information of issues don't need display.

However, when it's an issue that the entire active site is aware of and "behind the scenes" involved in and trying to help with, that public support should be allowed. Just my POV. (Usually not understood.)

TC

And much of that "behind the scenes" IS NOT supportive or peace making, either.

I'd say it's better out in the open until it gets resolved. (Again, I probably will be disagreed with and/or deleted.)

I am soooooooooooooooooooo sorry guys, but Mellors really made me laugh and I really needed it.

I'm sorry...I felt a bit afraid to admit it but.... yes I laughed too!

I don't really know what particular issue has inspired this. I can see the rationale for keeping conflict off the main boards but I can also see the rationale for people wanting to deal with the conflict on the boards rather than by PM.

Why?

There really are quite a few people with mental health problems out there who also have trouble with conflict resolution. It can feel safer to try and sort it on the boards because people seem to be more civil on the boards than they are via PM and because moderators will step in if things turn nasty.

While it would be nice if one could just ignore conflict some people just aren't able to repress / dissociate from it...

I dunno. Just my 2 cents worth on why I personally struggle with the thought that conflict can be adequately dealt with by personal message. I tried this once and it ended up with me putting the person on ignore because there was no other way for me to prevent them PMing me messages that I found to be personally attacking (and asking them not to PM me didn't work).

Dunno.

My opinion for what it is worth.

NOTE:

I'm not meaning to continue this on or criticise the way things are done here.

NOTE:

I'm also not meaning to continue the conflict. I've managed to dissociate from it fine now. Sometimes some time apart from it can give one some objectivity and perspective and can lessen the intensity of the feelings.

Owning ones own feelings as ones feelings... Everybodies feelings are valid... Everybodies perceptions are valid... Coming to a neutral description of events that enables everybody to retain their dignity...

I wish I was better at this...

Maybe an expert on conflict resolution? It would be nice to figure how to do it properly...

Let me say a few things here...

1. When we think an issue "involves the entire membership" or "the entire site," that's never the case. We have over 13,600 members here and I can assure you that no matter what the issue is, it never involves any significant portion of those people. Yes, it may involve a number of "regular" long-term members, but to suggest it's a site-threatening issue is to lose perspective of any interpersonal conflict here.

2. When we ask a member to keep things to PM, and then they directly disobey our request and post a very indirect response in a thread which is clear to everyone that it is directed at the member they are not supposed to be communicating with, that will not be tolerated. Yes, everyone who comes here is dealing with an issue in their lives that they need help with, and therefore they may not be in the best of places to be able to always react appropriately. We give plenty allowances for such things. But there's no excuse when we ask an adult member here to stop doing something and they keep doing it. That's just a blatant disregard and disrespect of the other members, the moderators, and me, KD, and LMo. I will not tolerate such disrespect to continue here. No excuses. You will be held responsible for your behavior here (and members have always been helld responsible).

3. While I would love to have the resources to have people professionally intervene and offer conflict resolution services to every member who needs it, that just isn't possible today. I hope it is someday, but at present, we just can't do that. We expect adults to handle matters on their own, or, if they can't (which is 100%, completely OKAY with us!), to use the ignore features on the forums. When a person fails to do either, it suggests to us that something else, more manipulative, is going on, and we react accordingly.

So, please, if you have a personal conflict with another member, keep it to PM and if need be, ask for moderator or admin intervention. But at the end of the day, if you ask for such intervention, you must also abide by our decisions.

Thanks,
DocJohn