[krisakira]

I just have a simple question. Are you supposed to make eye contact with a person the whole time they are talking to you? I look away a lot, and I don't know if it's appropriate or not. I remember even as a child I didn't know where to look.

[Perna]

Eye contact is a form of communication, lets the other person know you are interested and listening to what they are saying.

I know I tease my husband, sometimes when we kiss he is looking over my shoulder! I ask him what that woman looks like or what's going on back there, if it's anything I need to know about

Generally, we look where our attention is; look at the floor and you could be thinking (but the other person can't have any clues whether it is about what they are saying or something else) or you could be miles away from the conversation, prompted by the rug color or pattern or other thoughts, etc.

A good rule of thumb is to make eye contact for 70% of the time.

[Raindropvampire]

Some of it is cultural. My friends grandmother is Native American(don't know what tribe) and eye contact is an insult. It means you think the other person is lying and you are challenging what they are saying.

Personally I have trouble with eye contact because in my family.... it's just bad an leave it at that. I've had people that have gotten mad at me because they thought I wasn't paying attention because I made too little eye contact. I was just honest and told them, "No I was listening but I have trouble making eye contact."

What I strive for is enough eye contact that they know I'm listening. I definitely don't want to stare them into the ground and make them uncomfortable. I've always been told that keeping eye contact during an entire conversation is just as rude as not enough.

Do you have someone(maybe your SO or a friend) that would let you practice? Social interaction doesn't come easily for some of us and practice never hurts.

[krisakira]

Thanks guys. I have also noticed that I look at my SO's mouth a lot instead of his eyes. Even when he is not talking. My T makes eye contact with me a lot, and it feels so uncomfortable. I will try to look at my SO's eyes more often. But look away every now and then.

Originally Posted by krisakira

I have also noticed that I look at my SO's mouth a lot instead of his eyes.

Usually, I look at a person's mouth. If not, I look around the room or at the person's hair.

Eye contact is almost nonexistent with me. People notice it and comment, regularly. It really bothers some people, but I don't care. Looking someone in the eye distracts me, when I want to listen.

[Jan1212]

I understand some people are different, so what I do depends on the signs they give. When I listen, I usually make eye contact, if they're staring at me or looking uncomfortable, I would [take a sip of water] or look away from time to time. when I am speaking, my eyes look at different directions, along with head tilts, and hand gestures. The more hand gestures, the less they look at my face. I'd prefer a person not to look at me. Before, I used to look down to their feet or stomach

[Vibe]

I believe the right thing to do is to regularly bring your eyes back to meet theirs. This helps show that you're engaged, but it doesn't make them feel like you're staring bullets into them. When not looking right at them, let your eyes slide off to the side rather than staring down at the floor. This can give you the 'engaged but in thought' look.

[-jimi-]

I agree. If you stare someone in the eye too much you're going to make them feel very uncomfortable. Eye contact comes and goes, and the norm is actually not to meet the other person's eye too much, just once in a while, and then it has to do with the one who talks, the one talking at the moment usually look more at the person and the listener don't look as much at them.

I used to avoid eyes....forced myself not to and now I don't have the problem. Depending on the person or situation of course it still happens but on a quite normal level I expect...even for an anxiety ridden feller like me. Maybe 5% of encounters? The rest of the time I don't even think about it now. It's completely natural and my self esteem grew quite a bit after mastering it. I think it'll be that way for anyone with practice. I can't even remember when I stopped doing it consciously. I knew furtive eyes looked bad to others. made me look weak in a way. I forced myself to fix it. It can be done.

Another thing I changed way way back. For the love of God folks. If you have to shake someones hand? Have a 1/2 way firm grip. I don't make the rules but a fairly firm handshake spells out some social stuff about you and it's all good. Mainly guy advice that one I think...that's a big thing with us. Get the eyes thing going though. That's key to some real advancement in self I promise you. Force it. It'll be awkward and feel tough but it won't be forever. Just keep doing it....you'll forget you're doing it eventually.

[Inhabitants]

Personally I prefer not to make eye contact, I look at people's mouths, usually. People don't say much about it, but my t and pdoc both noticed. When I was younger, I knew there was something very different about me, I felt wrong. I believed (still believe?) that it could be contagious through eye contact. Now that I'm older, intellectually I know that not to be the case, but it's a deeply held belief.

[Hellion]

I can usually only make eye contact with people I know, and even then I probably don't do it a normal amount, probably to little. I mean I think typically people look each other in the eye off and on when talking but without staring at each other necessarily. But I am not quite sure.

But yeah in my case making eye contact with people I don't know makes me too uncomfortable......and other than that it is hard to try and concentrate on talking to someone, making eye contact and watching their expressions or body language I mean I can either concentrate on all that or hear what they are saying.

Eye contact makes me very uncomfortable. I always look at the ground.

[Inhabitants]

Think I'm also very afraid they'll "see". It's horribly uncomfortable!

[wing]

I'm with Inhabitants. If "eyes are the windows to the soul" I don't want anyone looking in.

[pachyderm]

I think avoiding eye contact is an instinctual reaction to a distressing situation. Babies do it when stressed. My mother used to shout "LOOK AT ME WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOU!!!!" -- which only made my distress greater. Her abuse was the thing that made me not want to look at her. As an adult I have had trouble looking at people, but when I started to understand more about why I did it, and began to think that maybe those people were not really my mother and were not about to hit me, it became easier to practice looking at them more. Now it is not something I think about much: there is no requirement that you have to look at someone all the time!

[lizardlady]

Originally Posted by krisakira

I just have a simple question. Are you supposed to make eye contact with a person the whole time they are talking to you? I look away a lot, and I don't know if it's appropriate or not. I remember even as a child I didn't know where to look.

Krisakira, amount of eye contact is culture and gender related. In Western society intermitent eye contact is the norm. It sounds like that is what you are doing - making eye contact, looking away, making contact again. Continually non-stop eye contact can be perceived as challenging or threatening. Also, long eye contact between opposite sex people is considered a sexual invitation.

Pachy, I remember my father saying the same thing to me just before he would light into me. Conversely, there were times I'd end up staring at him because I'd dissociated. Then I'd be in trouble for staring.

[irishpackerfan]

I dont know why when I look into peoples eyes they get intimidated. Im guessing eyes are the windows to the soul. I dont get it either actually but it has something to do with personality.

[Ones44]

I've heard that kids who grew up traveling a lot(which includes me) esp. to different countries for extended periods of time... those kids have a harder time with eye contact... This brings me to another question... Hypothetically, If someone is in a situation, like a meeting, and they have to use eye contact, is it normal for them to rapidly go blind? Like a veil of darkness almost blocking out everyone, and a sudden loss of all energy?