What could be the source of my uncontrollable and frequent mood swings?

I wish that I knew how to explain myself. Right now, I'd say that I hardly feel anything. It's a numb self-hatred. I normally feel more intensely. I was in therapy for a couple of months last spring. My therapist said that I obviously feel things more intensely than other people, but that it's okay, and I can learn to use that to my benefit.

To explain, I never get kind of sad or kind of upset. If I'm sad, I want to kill myself. If I'm upset, I throw things and want to hurt myself and other people. If I'm happy, I can't sit still and I talk fast and loud, and jump all around everywhere. Then I have this feeling where I'm doing things with no emotion. I go through emotions and actions so quickly I don't know what's going on. For example, today, I had a flirty internet chat with this 30 year old man I met online (I'm 17). I've been lying to him about my age, however. I feel really guilty about this, but I've been doing this sort of thing with different guys for years. Since I was about 13 years old. I then had a really excited conversation with my parents about tonight's tv shows and the new iPhone. I don't remember what was said, but about five minutes later, I was in an uncontrollable rage. I broke a few things, hit both of my parents and my cat, and I said a whole bunch of hurtful things. I then laid down on the ground and cried before collecting myself and going to my bathroom to cut myself. By the time I started cutting, I had really calmed down. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by a strong feeling - almost a need to hurt myself, but I don't always have the resources at those times, so I scratch or pinch myself to feel pain, and then after I cool down, I continue to cut just because. And then I feel numb.

I felt all of these emotions within 20 minutes. It is normal for me to experience a lot of mood swings in a day - at least two or three. A lot of people excuse it for being a teenager, but I think that I have been done with puberty for years. I had a pubescent mood swing phase when I was about 12/13 (after starting menstruation at age 11). I had a period of about one year where I did not experience angry outbursts that are really common for me now. I just felt inwardly sad and insecure. Things have gotten a lot worse in the past two years, and I don't know what could possibly be wrong with me. I'm not in therapy now. My parents aren't interested in the money or time investment, and they think it's just extra stuff that will stress me out. I also had a hard time being completely honest with my therapist, so it kind of defeated the point.

Hi honey ~ Do you think that you could go back into therapy now, even tho your parents "aren't interested in the money or time investment?" Do you think you could be honest with your therapist now?

You really SHOULD be in therapy. These mood swings aren't "normal" and you probably should either be on medication or in intense therapy. But to do nothing is wrong. These rages could end up with someone getting hurt -- even you. Or you could get into legal trouble.

Please ask your parents to get you an appointment with your therapist, ok? It's REALLY important that you do. This isn't something that you can put off, or "wait to grow out of" because you're not going to grow out of it. So ask your parents, ok?

Please let us know what happens, will you? We DO care!!! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Hi! Leed is right. You seriously need some medication and therapy before you hurt yourself worse or seriously hurt your folks. Please ask your parents or do whatever else it takes to get some help! I am very concerned for you. Keep us posted, please.

Sounds like drugs to me. Are you using? Are you high now?

I am not sure if you are being serious, or trying to offend me about the drugs, but no, I am not using, and I have never used before. I have also never had a drink before. That is not the kind of lifestyle I live. I am healthy and conscious about what I put in my body. I sometimes wonder about them but would never use.

The topic of therapy actually came up with my parents today because my therapist was contacting them about my long break from sessions. My parents came to the conclusion that I should go back, but after this quarter ends because my grades have been suffering, and they want me to study instead of spending time going to therapy. Also, my family is against most medication, I think because they fear if I am medicated I'll actually kill myself (I talk about it often at home, but nobody takes me seriously).

I switch between wanting to be in therapy because I feel deep down that I should be, and not wanting to because of how hard it is to look at someone and tell them about the negative parts of my personality. Also, everyone around me tells me that all I have to do is think and control myself, and I do kind of think it's BS to continue to tell myself that it's out of my control. I can't think of anything someone could possibly say to me to help me change and feel better, but for some reason I keep hoping it will happen.

I was in no way trying to offend you. I asked if you were on drugs because of your age and the fact that even though I have had a personality disorder my entire life, my symptoms became much worse (actually, completely out of control) when I was using a large amount of drugs in my early teens/tweens. It was a fair question, and one that your psychiatrist will certainly ask you during your interview.

My drug use paired with my disorder was a toxic combination that caused me to attempt suicide, (not just screw around crying wolf) twice before I was admitted to several psychiatric hospitals for the rest of my teen years. I am simply asking, because if you are in fact using drugs and are found to additionally have some sort of mental disorder, the results could be disastrous. Take care to be honest. They will find out on the first day of being admitted. If they believe you to be a liar from the start, you will sink to hell repeatedly before your release.