I've been told by several T's that I have a damaged inner child. In short, I don't play well with others. Never have. And, I rarely smile.

I do recall as a child that my mom told me that I was being raised to be an adult from the start because she believed that childhood was unnecessary. She made me her gopher; I was instructed to behave and give her no problems. I did as I was told. My father spent no time with me. As I grew up, the treatment of my mother was still intended to stunt my growth. I was not encouraged to date, in fact, she never said a word encouraging it. Instead I was told that I should take care of her and, after she died, "I could do whatever I wanted." Mom was cold and never hugged her children - she did not believe that hugs were necessary. She also had a temper and was often verbally abusive. She didn't like or want to teach me anything. With this parenting, I was considered weird by other kids and never fit in.

Also, I had no playmates and no friends. And, no toys. I vaguely recall being in the playpen with the radio on while Mom did other things. There were few books and I have no recollection of being read to. Meeting other children was traumatic because I did not know how to behave or what to say. I still don't.

T's have bought be crayons and told me to buy a coloring book. That just made me annoyed. How do I learn to be fun when I spent my childhood by myself and taught all the wrong things? Being a child is somewhat instinctive yet I seem to have none of that instinct in my personality.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine not having a childhood. If think like coloring and stuff annoy have you tried reverting to a teenage like lifestyle? Video games, maybe go in the wood and build a fort, climb trees, things of that nature? Its not child to the extreme of coloring books, but may give you a sense of fun.

Originally Posted by ChaoticInsanity

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine not having a childhood. If think like coloring and stuff annoy have you tried reverting to a teenage like lifestyle? Video games, maybe go in the wood and build a fort, climb trees, things of that nature? Its not child to the extreme of coloring books, but may give you a sense of fun.

Thanks. Those are all worthy suggestions. I really need to improve my inter-personal skills with people and learn to have fun with others. I used to play a lot of tennis but now have so many chronic aches and pains and injuries that it's not possible. I'm not a swimmer and don't go to bars since I have epilepsy. I'm so darn intellectual that I seem to make it hard for myself.

How does an introvert learn to have fun with others and to enjoy their company? Climbing a tree or building a fort aren't going to help.

[H3rmit]

That sounds so horrible about your mother. I've seen other things you've described about her in the past. I guess adults play in many different ways, from music to games and sports, to arts, or even studying things, tinkering, making stuff, gardening. I would like to find more ways of play, for myself, as well. I hope you can find something fun, an escape or connection, however it works for you. (Example of escape or self-connection vs connnecting to others: comedy or music could be more inward-focused, or audience-focused.) You deserve it.

[splitimage]

How does an intellectual have fun with other adults? It is possible, it just may take some digging. I live in a major metro atea, so I realise that I have more opportunity than many. But when I was first seeking out activities after loosing my job, and being Dx'd with a bunch of stuff, I found a scrabble club that met once a week, not far from me. I used to love playing scrabble so I joined. I also found the Toronto debating society, I debated in university so it was a logical fit. I've joined a social group on meetup.com that has euchre nights once a month. I played that a lot in university. \

So for me it's been a question of reconnecting with things I used to enjoy. You might find the same, or alternatively give things you've never tried a shot.

splitimage

[pegasus]

edunguy, this is good insight and the first steps of discovery can lead to improvement. At first your inner child will not know how to play or feel that he is allowed to due to the past parental involvement. At some point you may feel grief for the loss of the childhood but that grief process can lead to gradually allowing the child to have fun. Damaged does not mean forever. I'm going to give you a link to transactional analysis, this is something that help me to better understand the make up of my personality and thus helped me to help those wounded child parts... Eric Berne's Transactional Analysis parent adult child model, theory and history article

[avlady]

i once had a boyfriend when i was 18 who kept telling me he never wanted kids because his mom was abusive and he didn't want to pass her genes on as she also killed herself. I didn't mind about the no kids part, but he could not seem to enjoy himself, was high all the time, did play some sports, drank alot and was a mess. needless to say we broke up. i love him alot still. think about him alot too.I am married for 20 years now to someone else. This person had to learn how to be a kid all over again as he left me because he said he never had a childhood and wanted to be a kid for the rest of his life and you know what i was happy for him because he needed it. To this day i don't know where he is but i hope he's playing hopschotch or climbing a tree!!!!I wish you luck and enjoy you life-you deserve it!!!

Have you got any children? Or in the future possibly? It was the most as an adult that I got to play again. I bought more toys for me than the kid. Maybe getting near children can inspire playing, like nephews or nieces or grand kids.

[avlady]

i have a 24 year old son, been through the childhood years, they were difficult for me because of my mental issues but hes a great kid!!adult now

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Have you got any children? Or in the future possibly? It was the most as an adult that I got to play again. I bought more toys for me than the kid. Maybe getting near children can inspire playing, like nephews or nieces or grand kids.

Thanks. I wish I could have had a family. I am gay and now in my late 50's - it's too late even with the recent advancements in gay marriage and adoption. I have been told that I'm very good with my nieces, nephew and godchildren. As a 24/7 parent I think I might be too tempermental. Sadly, I will never know for sure.

Originally Posted by avlady

i once had a boyfriend when i was 18 who kept telling me he never wanted kids because his mom was abusive and he didn't want to pass her genes on as she also killed herself. I didn't mind about the no kids part, but he could not seem to enjoy himself, was high all the time, did play some sports, drank alot and was a mess. needless to say we broke up. i love him alot still. think about him alot too.I am married for 20 years now to someone else. This person had to learn how to be a kid all over again as he left me because he said he never had a childhood and wanted to be a kid for the rest of his life and you know what i was happy for him because he needed it. To this day i don't know where he is but i hope he's playing hopschotch or climbing a tree!!!!I wish you luck and enjoy you life-you deserve it!!!

I am quite functional for an emotionally abused child - I never use drugs of any kind and am a light drinker. (As an epileptic, I could never drink or handle drugs and, frankly, don't understand what others see in alcohol excess or illegal drug use.) I do know they are having more fun than me though. I am also not a driver because of the epilepsy. I am so tired of walking or taking public transportation everywhere. If I have one of my petite mal seizures in social company, I will mumble when I speak and not make any sense. People who see this think I may be on drugs or have a mental illness other than epilepsy. Since this happens in crowds and when meeting new people, I avoid most social situations. It seem that I just cannot find a win-win situation for myself.

Originally Posted by pegasus

edunguy, this is good insight and the first steps of discovery can lead to improvement. At first your inner child will not know how to play or feel that he is allowed to due to the past parental involvement. At some point you may feel grief for the loss of the childhood but that grief process can lead to gradually allowing the child to have fun. Damaged does not mean forever. I'm going to give you a link to transactional analysis, this is something that help me to better understand the make up of my personality and thus helped me to help those wounded child parts... Eric Berne's Transactional Analysis parent adult child model, theory and history article

Thanks for the link and your thoughtful comments. Surprisingly, my first T practiced transactional analysis. He said I was "cured" after a year - I was the star patient in the group - but I knew that I wasn't cured. Rather, I had learned all the right answers verbally but was not able to put them into practice. He also diagnosed me with a damaged inner child as did some later T's. In retrospect, my parents were too strict and so were my teachers in parochial school. However, I was also happy to follow instructions. Even today, I need to get strict with myself to get anything done. Maybe I have a mild form of Asperger's. I don't know. It's a possibility though.