Was it worth it?

The end of 2012 is near. I remember being involuntarily committed to a psych ward in late February and the month stay I had there. I didn't tell anyone I was there except my family. I remember joking with another patient that I'd probably have, at most, 2 missed calls after being gone for 35 days without notice. But I was wrong. There were no missed calls, no messages. Nothing.

I keep thinking about this. Nearly a year has passed. Has my life improved since then? If I suddenly vanished for a month, would anyone even notice? No, this is not just my depression talking. It happened. Between 2011 and 2012 I spent 10 months either inpatient or in intensive outpatient, in addition to regular therapy 1-2 times a week for nearly 3 years. What was all this work for, anyway? To give me hope for progress that would never happen, to convince me to live a life I don't belong in? I cannot help but to think: was this year really worth living for?

Unfortunately, I'm not sure I can honestly answer that question with a "yes," as much as I really wish I could. I wish I could say that I am thankful for the help I received even though it was forced, that I'm glad to be alive, but I'm not sure if this is even true. Is this all life really is?--living in spite of oneself, to endure life and never to enjoy it?

I'm just ranting, no need to reply...

I have not experianced everything you have, however I do kind of get how you feel...I feel similarly quite a bit. All the effort in the world for nothing is a very frustrating feeling.

Maybe there is a need for a reply.

I can't answer your original question, nor will i even try. I'll just point out that i noticed you.

I hope you can get a little strength from this.

I always find it hard to close a posting - because i know how i always feel when somebody says something like "take care" - i get all cynical. But, as a human being who doesn't like seeing others hurting, i really do hope you take care and thnigs improve for you.

Izzy

Perhaps I over-exaggerate. Sometimes I am noticed. People sometimes notice me when it's their job to notice me, or I am paying them to notice me. I don't often act out or become dramatic, but during those times I am also occasionally noticed. What I do not understand is why I am invisible when I am at least attempting to act in a relatively normal and healthy way. Why is it impossible to share good AND bad times with a person? I want to laugh. I want to have fun. I want to go and take a long drive to the middle of nowhere, just to see what I find. I don't want all of my social interaction to come from therapists and mental hospitals. But I cannot find anyone, anyone at all. So then I am just alone, and pay a therapist to notice me for a while, and to tell me lies until I almost believe that I'm a decent enough human being for all of those aforementioned things.

It has been this way my entire life. What evidence is there that this will change in the next year, or the year after, or ever? I am forced to sit here and just watch time pass meaninglessly; there goes another year of life I could have done without.

Come, O ye therapists, and live in my life, and then tell me that it's really, truly worth living. Should I be grateful for a life I don't want? I feel like I am wasting time just by being alive. Is this all there is to see?

I've thought about how I should respond to this, and I don't want to make the typical 'your life is precious' response. I'm not saying that your life isn't precious, but maybe that's not what you want to hear right now. I'll say that I've been where you are right now, and I've experienced suffering. Sometimes I've wondered whether or not my life is worth living (that's an understatement).

What I want to say is that what helped me bring meaning and purpose to my life is gradual but relentless self improvement. When I've successfully changed or improved upon some negative aspect of my life – I feel really, really proud. It doesn't matter how seemingly small the change was, or how much I struggled in the process. I don't care how long it took me, the simple fact that I didn't give up is enough. Knowing that I managed to improve my life or myself in some way is my favourite feeling in the world.

I hope that this helps... but if it doesn't, at least it gave you a momentary distraction!

I always question what's the point with my life too but the fact that I'm looking for it keeps me going I guess. Sometimes you have to question if the issue isn't necessarily in you but the people around you or even where you live. Who knows, maybe there's some other place in the world that is more in tune with who you are and therefore the people around you feel like you matter or show that you matter more than where you are now.

Easier said than done, sure. But you can't be too hard on yourself. Your view on reality might be a bit skewed. By all means, if you can work towards changing your environment, try it.

It's funny that you mention changing your environment because that's exactly what I did this year. When I went to college two years ago, I went to a school 2500 miles away from home. But this year I went a step further still, went to an entirely different country altogether... This is such a large problem for me actually; I go as far away from home as I can possibly manage but everything is still the same. Then I think that the problem wasn't my environment at all, it was just me this entire time. I am the problem. No matter how far away I go, I am still stuck with me. And as much as I try to, I can't seem to change the things I don't like about myself.

I think that is the worst part: I want and try to improve but I never see any progress. My agoraphobia used to be so bad that I couldn't leave the house to get the mail. But now I go out to bars, to go movies, traveling, am living on my own in a foreign country, stumbling along butchering the language, etc. So I would think this is progress, with a lot of hard work and therapy and such so that now I can do these things. Right? But then I think of the result, and I realize that I am still just as lonely as I was when I didn't leave the house at all, and have just as many friends. So then what's the point of leaving the house, what did that actually accomplish? Maybe that's a stupid way to look at it, but this was what I so desperately wanted to change in the last year but have completely and utterly failed!

I had been told over and over again in therapy that if I could just be less anxious and more sociable I could make friends of my own, but I don't think this is true at all, because I am the problem. Not my anxiety, not my environment. Just me.

But thank you everyone for your response, it means a lot to me, I appreciate it more than I could possibly even write here...

2012 for me was not a good year either... no one noticing me, lost a lot of things, missed out on lots of experiences, and i feel the same way... why did i live through ut.

what did i gain from it apart from more suffering and extra depression

I get you. I had a moment like that too thinking that going away to college would fix things. It did help but I was still stuck with me too. I know I have a lot of self-acceptance issues (not self-accountability but acceptance) and I know that not being entirely comfortable and sure of myself does keep me from getting to know people but I can't help but think there's got to be one person in my vicinity that is going through what I go through. I'd hate to think that my lack of self-acceptance is that much of a handicap but 25 years going, and I am yet to find one other person who truly gets me and allows me to be me regardless of my many moods.

I grew up somewhat sheltered and internalized a lot of things that has stunted me and has made me a bit of a social retard. I'm not sure if I suffer from any social anxiety but I do find it hard to really connect with the people around me.

But I applaud you for overcoming your agoraphobia! You ventured into an entirely different country for goodness sake! But trust me I know how it feels to be terribly lonely despite being amongst a lot of people and having the loneliness follow you. It sucks to have such a disconnect. I'm curious, did you do any kind of research into the country you opted to move to? Like what are their values? How do people interact with each other? etc.

I could go on another rant with our educational system putting college graduates in debt but that's a whole other issue.

You should give yourself a little bit more credit with your socializing skills though. If you had the ability to unlearn some things to function socially, I'm sure you have the ability to learn more things to at least "upgrade" yourself to "social retard" . But seriously, I get your concerns around people. My upbringing made me naive to a lot of things so I would say somethings that show it and it isn't until in retrospect do I feel embarrassed about it. And it's not like you can go and explain to everyone how your upbringing made you do something "stupid and awkward." But awkward seems to be the new thing now. Everyone seems to describe themselves as awkward when socializing. I think it's kind of like a forewarning to the people they interact with so things get less awkward when something awkward does happen.

I'm not sure where I stand with the whole "life matters" thing. It matters enough that we are suffering in it. I just feel like life wasn't meant to be this hard. It's just the aspirations that we as humans put in it make it more difficult than it needs to be. Imagine if the only responsibility we had was simply staying alive with food and shelter? No bills to pay, no standards to live up to. Just, being- existing in the world was enough. Unfortunately, WE have to be the ones to make life matter. It's just more difficult when what matters to you doesn't generally matter with everyone else.