I'm lost

Personally I hate dealing with doctors and psychiatrists so I'm dropping the question here. I honestly want to know what's wrong with me and my head.

I'm a quite social person, outgoing, got friends etc. just generally a happy person BUT there are times when I'm not. When I was a kid I used to get bullied a lot and I think it has left me a big and deep scar. Because of it, I have this thing that I hate people by default but change my minds about them through their actions but it doesn't take much for me to change my mind about others.

I like to descripe myself as a some sort of a pressure tank. Every interaction I have with other people just add pressure in, but it's not a lot, just very little for every little thing, but if I happen to have a fight of course there's going to be more pressure going in. Once I'm at max capacity. I have to release the air out somehow, usually I do this by playing games or exercising.

But then there are times when I'm unable to release the pressure... There have been times when I've lost my **** at a grocery store to some complete stranger who has done a little wrong to me. I've learnt to control this a little bit over the years but the reason why I'm writing this wall of text...

... Is because I just had the biggest fight so far with my current girlfriend on the phone and it just got me boiling over. I was punching myself to bruises while on the phone just to ease the pain because it was just overwhelming. (I always try to aim physical violence at myself not others).

This is the worst I've ever felt. When I get this moment that I cant release the pressure, I get very dark thoughts just like they were straight from a horror film and I feel like my head was 2 sizes too small for my brain. It's just an immense pain inside of my head. But what I just felt was over the top and scary to say the least.

When I say I get dark thoughts, just use your wildest imaginations, even suicidal thoughts but I find suicide a pathetic option for a situation that can be handled and I love living.

I just feel so lost right now because I have no name to call my little "outburst" with. I'm sorry if the text is difficult to read but I'm writing this in a bit of a moment if you catch my drift... Oh and if it's any relevant information to tell I'm 22 years old, male, student.

Hi Bactor,

We certainly can't diagnose you, as you know. We can only offer our perspective and opinions, ideas.

Have you ever seen that movie, "Anger Management" with Adam Sandler? Very funny movie! A lot of what you said seems to fall into that category. Did you work with a T when you were a young boy, being bullied? Read any books or belong to any support groups to help you work through those deep emotions of pain and humiliation?

I know that you aren't real comfortable with the idea of seeing a T at this point in your life, but it really does sound as though you need to find healthy ways to work through these deep emotions so you aren't always on the brink of losing control. It's good that you aren't attacking others when these intense emotions strike you ~ but I can guarantee that you scare the hell out of your gf when you have your outbursts! That's not good.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ang...gement/MH00102

Do try looking at the attached website for tips on managing your anger in a healthy way, and also try looking into local support groups. Just meeting with others who struggle with similar problems can be a big relief! I wish you the best ~ good luck to you!

Nah, I never had a therapist.

When I got bullied as a kid I learnt to channel my anger to other things like games. I only get these feelings as often as maybe once a month when I'm too far from games or stuff that make me feel a lot better. When that happens I turn into the Hulk. But other than that I just feel normal.

I do have to keep doing stuff daily though to keep myself in control of the condition.

I really don't think you have any disorder, disease, illness, or whatever. I see someone with some deep unresolved issues.

My GUESS is that the people that bullied you, were people that you once thought highly of. I am also GUESSING that being the victim of bullying, you were unable to defend yourself and now all that anger is coming out.

Just like shezbut suggested, I feel that what would be most beneficial to you would be anger management.

I do wish you the best!!

PS - I have to (for my own piece of mind) say that I am not a professional, nor am I trained in any way. Please understand this is only MY PERSONAL OPINION!

Have a nice day!
Love,
l

Like has been said, I see some issues here that we can't resolve for you. I know you said that you hate doctors and psychiatrists, but you really DO need a therapist.

Therapy isn't THAT awful! Therapy can be a life saving activity! If I hadn't gone thru therapy, I doubt I'd be here right now.

Please have your doctor refer you to a good therapist. You really won't regret it, I PROMISE. I'm sure you don't want to spend the rest of your life living the way you are now. Try to get these issues resolved now, or at least learn how to cope with them -- and deal with them reasonably.

I wish you the very best. Please keep us informed on how you're doing, will you? God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

anger management is what i say too, i had an ex that went through the same things you're going through but he wasn't as lucky because he hit me instead and I had to leave him i was scared of him from then on even until today, Got order of protection on him too.

As a student, you might be able to get free or very cheap counseling at your school. I would take advantage of that while I can.