[MichaelSacha]

I feel empty and confused. Like the solution, the answer to the question I don't know, is lost within my mind but I can't find it through this dense fog. Like it's constantly on the tip of my tongue and I can always almost get it, but never do.
I find myself struggling to stay aware, like my thoughts keep vanishing and I just go blank. Sometimes I just disappear and little voices talk to me through what seems to be a well, than I realise they're just my thoughts. I always feel like crying but I never can. It's as if my mind has turned to mush and nothing makes sense anymore, it just is.
I always feel like something is about to happen but it never does. I'm about to cry, I'm about to snap and kill someone, myself, laugh maniacally, hallucinate, dissociate and just go mental. And I wait for it so that I can be free of this dull and empty pain, than the tension will be released. It never does and I only ever feel irritable, depressed,empty and afraid, sometimes just this sharp agony. I'm just waiting for it.

[Travelinglady]

Michael, are you seeing a doctor? It could be several different things, such as Bipolar I. But you definitely need to get help soon--for your sake and for the sake of others. How about calling the doc's after-hours number or the office, if the doc is still there?

[MichaelSacha]

Yeah I've been seeing a psycholigist for about a year now, plus two different psychiatrists and a psychiatric nurse. I see my nurse in a couple of days, my new psychiatrist in a couple of weeks and my psychologist in about a month. So I'm seeing a few doctors though I don't think they take me very seriously. Normally I just go to the hospital but they send me home and so I tell my psychs and they say "very interesting" and send me home. So I don't bother getting in touch anymore.

[Open Eyes]

Have any of these specialists talked to you about depression? Have you always been like this or is this something new?

[Leed]

Hi Michael ~ All they do is say 'very interesting?" It sounds to me like someone isnt' really listening to you. That infuriates me. I've had this happen before to, during my years of off and on therapy. And I hated it!

There were a couple of times I actually said "ARE YOU REALLY HEARING ME?" Even tho' they might be 'listening' they might not HEAR you. They might not get the gist of the matter. Once i said that, I think they paid a little more attention and actually got into it. But to not be HEARD is awful.

Are you on any medications Michael? If so, what are you on?

I wish you could see your new docs a little sooner. Why not ask if they could put you on a cancellation list so that if someone cancels, you could get in sooner? It's worth a try. I don't like having you have to wait so long. Keep us posted, will you? And please take care of yourself. God bless & keep posting. WE WILL BE HERE TO LISTEN. Hugs, Lee

[MichaelSacha]

I'm not currently on medication, Leed, although I was, they took me off quickly because I didn't seem to need them. They were SSRIs for the anxiety I didn't know I had.
They won't see me earlier because I'm apparently coping well. Laugh and smile, no one will ever see past that, doctors too I guess.
That's horrible to hear you ignored like that, I'm glad you spoke up and I hope things are better now. Thanks for the kind words.

Depression was a diagnosis that didn't stick, Open Eyes. As was BPD,dissociative disorders, schizophrenia and literally everything else. So they stopped talking to me emotionally and engaged me on an intellectual observation of my personality, so depression was ignored in the place of constantly telling me to go out and enjoy things, despite that I couldn't get past an agonising boredom.
I've always felt empty, I think. It feels like I've always been this way but I just don't know.