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Member
Member Since Apr 2012
Location: N/A
Posts: 126
12 47 hugs
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Mar 01, 2013 at 11:12 PM
#1
There’s so much going on with me I guess. I’m probably not really allowed to complain about my life, it’s not like it’s absolutely horrible, but it’s not exactly happy or fulfilling either. A lot of that has to do with me, and if I can’t figure out how to control myself I may lose everyone around me, even the more stubborn ones that practically refuse to leave me behind. As a result of that I may either grow extremely bitter, or quite depressed, not seeing the point in actually being here anymore (which that has actually crossed my mind recently). While I’m sure I have commitment issues, and this is one aspect of why I push people away so harshly, there’s also like a separate personality. I like to call this personality “The B!tch” as that’s basically what I turn into. My brain snaps and I go to a state where making someone angry or miserable seems almost entertaining (probably in an attempt to make sure I don’t feel guilt for it and try to go back and stop myself from severing that link, as I used to easily be effected by guilt). This part of me is becoming increasingly present, to the point where I easily snap at those closest to me, even if not a romantic relationship (of which I’ve never really had any because I push them away so fast, even though a part of me would like at least one). It’s becoming so much more common that I’m starting to think that’s exactly who I am and can never change. Part me just scoffs at it, like it’s a whatever thing, and another part of me feels deeply broken hearted about it. I guess if I’m not in a quiet, content state, then I’m either in an angry, frustrated state or a sad state. I just don’t know what to do at this point. After feeling content I realize how alone I really am, and know that that is because of myself, makes that part of myself want to either run away or just vanish off this planet. I try to quiet that part, music helps with this, but then something will go and trigger the b!tch part, I’ll get angry and arrogant towards those around me, then I’ll come back down to realizing again how alone I truly am. This cycle doesn’t end. I’m the only one trying to figure it all out, but I just think things are getting worse. I’m getting more bitter, and more distanced. I don’t know what to do.
Here, a song to describe this particular moment: Tarja Turunen - Oasis - YouTube |
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