[spondiferous]

Okay, so, basically I'm just wondering if anyone can relate to this. There's been an emergency in my household tonight and so I have been home alone for the last couple of hours, and spent most of it on here, responding to threads, browsing forums, and sending messages to people. The problem is this: I really want to reach out to people - it's important to me, and I think that creating relationships with people is an important step in building community and in the healing process - but I'm always afraid that they're not going to respond, or they're going to think I'm stupid, or that I'm some kind of a weirdo or something. I know it's all in my head and that it's not really case, but the thoughts are so strong sometimes that I actually believe these things about myself and it makes it quite difficult to reach out to people and take the initiative in getting to know folks. I don't know if anyone else experiences this? I guess it comes from a place of low self-esteem; I have never really valued myself much or placed much worth on myself as a person, and I've never really felt that anyone else has either. I guess it's a hurdle I'll have to keep jumping as I begin to trust the process more and have more confidence in myself and believe more in my intrinsic value. Anyway...just had to put that out there. Was feeling it really strongly tonight. Hope y'all are well.

[optimize990h]

I try to think the best of people. So whatever paranoia I develop I blame on myself. I don't intend to, but I separate myself from people-maybe it's my difference. Me, an original. So, I do understand the sentiments what you posted. I try not to overdo anything-not too needy, express myself as concisely as possible, so I have more time to read other posts. In the chat room, I have often come into a room and not really known the flow of the chat, that's when I feel awkward. I feel awkward using whisper or private conversation that I try to carry on two or three conversations at the same time.

[beauflow]

have more confidence in myself and believe more in my intrinsic value.

(((Spondiferous)))
I agree with that quote there from you... and Yep..

I go through similar with "not worth" "people think I am odd/weirdo" - i get to points that no one wants to hear from me...... It is all in my head, as you were saying it is all in your head.

's

I think some messaging and posting here on PC is a good way to build some confidence and yeah, PC is just like the world- we all come across some conflict or bad feelings from some threads... but it does not mean anything less of ourselves.

I tend to try to remind myself that when I feel worthless, no one listens to me (even on PC) or wants to talk to me--- that My Worth Comes from with in, not from outside sources.. Sure it would be nice to be noticed.. and usually I do get noticed by a PC friend or another member with in a few days of that... OR I go back through and read some recent past posts, and see--- there, kindness was there with people.

It is hard some times to put yourself out there, but ya know-- i think it helps with the learning, and healing process too

(((I hope things are ok at home with you too with the emergency that happened)))

's

[spondiferous]

@Optimize: Yeah, I have only chatted on here once and I no longer have facebook, so I haven't really chatted in quite awhile. But I tend to feel the same way as well.

I like what you said about how you tend to think the best of people, and therefore blame any awkwardness on yourself. I think that's the stage I have reached, to some degree. I assume the other person's just fine and that if I'm feeling at all tense about the situation, then I'm the one with the problem. Unless, of course, it's happening in person and it's clearly just an awkward situation...

@beauflow: Regarding the emergency, yes, it looks like everything is going to be okay. One of our housemates called 911 earlier and we didn't know about it, so imagine our surprise when the firetruck showed up outside. Our house and the firemen proceeded to come up to our door...

She has chronic health problems, but my partner went with her to the hospital and they will be on their way home. Apparently the stress of the move is getting to her too.

I like your gentle reminder about self worth coming from within. Some days are easier than others. And then some days it seems impossible to believe there's anything inside me at all, let alone worthiness. I suppose it's like that with all things in life, though: ebb and flow...

Even now, responding to a post on my own thread, I find myself analyzing every word to make sure I'm coming across 'properly'. Ugh. Perfectionism, away with thee!