How to respond to "how are you doing"??

I couldn't decide which forum this thread belonged to best, it mostly centers around mental responses and relationships with others.

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I get this question all the time it seems, and I can never seem to get away from it. It's a friendly gesture (I guess), but sometimes I have to wonder if people really care, or are trying to strike up a helpless conversation. I can never decide how I should respond to this. Do I be honest and tell them I'm feeling like a "sorry loser", or do I fake it and say "I'm doing good", when really I'm just not in the mood to respond to something like that ever again!?

My dad's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. He often repeats himself on a daily basis, and thus I get this question from him every single day, whether I like it or not. There have been times where I'll answer him with something, and he'll completely ignore it and start babbling on about something else. It almost seems like he's learned to use it as a greeting, when really a "good morning" or "good evening" would do much much better.

Then I'll go to church, and get the question from a fellow member. If I sound down in the dumps, they won't want to hang around me; but if I tell them something just to make the greeting go over well, I'm usually lying in my response and often my body language could answer it best. My dad will respond to them with an annoying "I'm hanging in there!" kinda thing which is just STUPID. He never says anything different, lmao

I can't seem to find an answer to this question. My life sucks, if I ever do find happiness in it I'd be happy to respond with something a little more unique. What are some ways do deal with this?

I say, "Good, and you?" short and sweet =) If a conversation ensues, usually the details will be prodded out of you. If a conversation is not kindled, then they were probably just being polite.

I find people ask out of politeness, not because they genuinely want to know. I always say "I'm fine thank you, you?" Even when my doctor or psychologist asks me I say the exact same "I'm fine thank you, you?" But then when we start to talk I'll say how I actually feel. I think its more of an automatic response to say you're fine, especially when you're not.

But I have trouble telling people that I'm fine when I'm really not, most of the time I'm not doing well. To say I am fine when I'm really not is just being fake, and usually the conversation that ensues afterwards is usually determined by the response each other gives; I could be lead down the lighthearted conversation path (which is what I need), but when I'm not in the mood for it, it can often leave me feeling sorry for myself, comparing my sad attitude with the happy attitudes of others

"Hanging in there"

"Could be worse"

I tend to say "fine", "okay", or "all right". If I'm still walking and talking, I'm one of the three.

It's funny when I was in high school, and even today, most people don't want the actual answer, so sometimes I actually just tell them the truth! Which they don't want. But my go to answer on a bad day is, "I'm alive" it isn't a lie, right? lol

Sometimes when I say "Fine" I let it stand for:

F - F***** up
I - Insecure
N - Neurotic
E - Emotional

I smirk on the inside. Got past the nicety without having to tell a lie.

IMO, this phrase *is* used as a greeting. It's like a "ping" from someone, who wants to acknowledge your presence and start a conversation. It's not an invitation to dump all of your negativity on the asker. So, no, I don't think people who ask this question as a conversation opener necessarily want to, or are prepared to deal with an honest answer to this question. That is especially true if the honest answer is very negative, again in my opinion.

I think that your answer should be guided by your relationship with the asker in other words. If my husband or best friend asks me how I'm doing, I'll be honest. If some stranger asks me, I'll say something polite like "gosh, things are hectic right now, how are you?!"

'Fine' is always my answer.
Nobody in my RL knows about my issues, and thats the way i want it to stay, so all they get is "fine".

I knew someone who used to say "I'm upright and taking nourishment" with a laugh.
It is a social nicety, to ask, and you need to find an answer you are okay with; "Hanging in there" thought a good suggestion. "Surviving how about you?"---
Unfortunately, it is just one of those things everyone, including those who ask automatically, have to deal with.

I agree with a lot of what's been said here. It's become more of a conversational piece than a genuine inquiry. Sometimes people just don't know what else to say to each other. I think there's a lot of reasons for this. Politeness is part of it; technology (in my opinion) is another. There are probably many others. And yeah, most people probably don't want to know 'exactly' how we feel when they ask, or aren't really thinking about the implications of the question they are asking. I usually say 'fine' if it's someone I don't know that well. But I have been known to be entirely honest because that's the kind of person I am. I like to believe that it's possible to live in a more genuine world, that we don't have to pretend all the time to be something we're not and that all colors of the spectrum are welcome.

I never take that greeting "How are you?" too seriously, or as an invitation to share how I really feel. It's just a superficial greeting.

Seems its just a generic way of saying hi. Sometimes I'll ignore it and just return the question, hi how are you? see if they notice - just playing with them. Then if they really wanted to know they'd ask again.

basically I think people feel they want to acknowledge others so this is what they do. kind of like a cultural practice.

when you want to feel cared for and appreciated, I don't think the salutation is the time to look for it per se. Maybe look past the initial greeting and see the person saying it. Is this a person you would like to get to know or would you want to tell them about yourself. Its good if relationships can go both ways.

re-church. When I've looked for a greeting to make the difference for me, I've often felt like I've been left standing alone in the foyer. Although I do believe that stance, facial expressions can welcome people or push them away. People decide what they are able to or want to connect with at a given moment based on what they observe.

With the idea of practising what I want to become until I become that, I can take that. It means kind of faking it till you make it. My spin on that is best face forward. If I can find within myself my personal best attitude accompanied with a pleasant expression, people are more willing to interact with me in a meaningful way, provided I also take a genuine interest in them.this is usually a win win situation.

my supervisor once asked me how are you? I responded with "cold, tired, wet and hungry." She said, "it sounds like your basic needs have not been met." We both burst out laughing. I realized i was feeling like a little child who'd not had a diaper change and had not been bottle fed by mommy before leaving for nursery. lol I didn't say that to her though.

As a general rule, I find "how are you" more a nicety / acknowledgment (similar to hello) than an inquiry as to how I am really doing. I generally answer "well/fine/meh. thanks."

I don't think people REALLY want to know to the depths of how I am, either. If things are going well, though, I don't think they truly want to know HOW well, either.

(*there is only 1 person in my life (she is 20 years old / half my age and wise since she was born) that asks me "how are you?" and means it. The first time it happened, I was actually surprised! )

I'd like to think that most people are genuine. Its being polite. I get where you are coming from. Don't be so hard on your dad, maybe he has problems that you have no ides of.

Pretty much the same here. I answer "okay" or "fine."
With most people the question is just a polite social form. If someone really wants to know I take it on a case by case basis. Usually the answer remains the same.

"How are you?" or "How are you doing?" is basically either a greeting or a question, depending on who is asking and how you feel like perceiving/answering it. I answer, 87.3% of the time :-) "Pretty good" and move on. Sometimes, if I like/care :-) about the other person I'll add, "How about you?" or something of that nature. If I'm feeling down, I might answer, "Okay" in a more flat tone. If it is someone I think cares (spouse, therapist, very very good friends or relatives) I could answer, "Not too well, I just fell down the stairs and broke my neck the other day" (or whatever the actual event that has you not feeling well is :-)

The trick for me is to just throw something out there and move on or not, depending on how they take it from there. Someone who really wants to know the answer, who is asking the genuine question instead of just doing the standard greeting, will be more intense and stop and listen to your answer, etc. so you will know to give them a little more if you want.

It can be a bad idea to start by taking it as a question though; my husband's ex-wife sometimes does that and a mutual friend once said, "Don't ask her 'How are you?' or she'll tell you!" Especially if you are feeling negative or down, not realizing another is just acknowledging you, greeting you, and starting in on your current life's woes until their eyes glaze over can be embarrassing. Establish your presence first, with "Okay" or something else neutral like that (or even, "I could be better") and see if they linger or ask for details.

once when i was asked this by my boss i replied 'fine thankyou', my boss then came back with 'just fine?' the next time she asked i replied with 'ok thankyou' it seems 'ok' is not good enough either, so the next day i replied 'couldn't be better thankyou!' and was met with good! so it seems that if asked how you are the reply is 'couldn't be better'
usually i simply say fine thankyou as this way no explination is usually needed. though a couple of good friends i will always tell them the truth from exhausted to ok to aaaagh! because they really do care and will always help me sort things out if i need someone to talk to.

My beloved grandmother (a real "dame") used to say with a wry smile (think Bette Davis voice), "well ... I got up this morning, read the obituaries and my name wasn't there..."

My grandma was awesome!

I often answer the question "how are you?" with something like "I went out and did [whatever] this morning" or "Just got back from doing..." rather than anything to do with feelings... Saves you having to tell people you feel bad when they don't really want to know, and leaves a new conversation open.

That's only because your boss has one of the superlatively annoying approaches to this type of greeting. Grr.

I really get what you are saying and have the problem in a number of ways, like also with the question, "so where are you from?" Some questions that seem ordinary and simple aren't actually for different people. And these type of ordinary seeming conversational interactions can be truly alienating so I appreciate that fact.

I just wanted to try to add some playfulness in here. In psychoanalysis, which after all is the butt (no pun intended) of lots of jokes. I mean how many shrink-couch cartoons do we really need? Anyway, one joke is that ordinary people say "fine" or something to the question, "How are you?" That it's only neurotics who take the question as meant and actually tell you how they are.

I actually think to be honest that I don't find the joke all that funny, but I wanted to go over it because I think it leads to a real issue. People just really don't want to know on this kind of basis and maybe even ever. This to me is truly sad and needs to be changed because we live in connection to each other and so we should actually want to know the truth about someone we know and be able to have appropriate responses. I think it is really wrong to force people under this kind of seemingly innocuous social nicety to "fake it" and push themselves to pretend that everything is okay if it truly isn't. A truly humane society would be able to have people admit to struggles and find no estrangement or entanglement in that simple level of conversation. I hope someday, at least in my lifetime, we reach a place where people can actually be truthful and authentic. Everyone in general would be better off if people wouldn't play such silly high school like games.

People ask me how I'm doing. I tell them and they don't ask me again. Problem solved.