[beauflow]

never mind
Sorry, just it probably comes off as whinning or something when I write- so never mind.

Just will have to remember the key thing of Do what makes me feel at peace, I don't have to understand the others around me or with their thinking patterns of "get 'em!"

[RedBarchetta]

What?

[lostinbooks]

This is the place to share. Please share.

((( Beauflow ))) ...

I read it this morning and understood completely what you were saying, and yes, toxic environments (personal or professional) not only suck they impact us folks with PTSD in a much different way than they would a healthier person.

If going to your healthy (happy) place will suffice, then it's okay to stay ... If it ever gets to where that doesn't work, though, it will be time to start looking for something else.

You'll know when that is ...

Another for good measure.

[beauflow]

Thank you RedBarchetta & lostinbooks;

It is just something I don't get with people around me....

I have written a lot about my work place on PC, i get tired of me-- so it is ok. I can understand with some people that have seen my name pop up and talk about it being tired of it as well...

I just don't understand how One could say

"They Wish Supervisor would just pick and harass someone else now"
"Wish for her to make someone else's live a living hell"
"They are Glad, that she is picking on someone else"

I am told this by some that I work with, in words. It is not just me "thinking what they may be thinking"; they tell me this to me.

I never, in my 6 years with the Supervisor, ever wished or was glad that she was making someone else life a living hell. I never wanted her to go pick on someone else. I have wanted her to get off my back, leave me a lone, and to find the help or whatever she needs to be better.

I am not perfect, I have had and still at times, angry issues. I have had negative thoughts, but towards her-- not for her to go torment another.
Those thoughts make me feel bad, my heart heavy... It eventually turns to my power of change of thinking, and to wish her well.

Sorry that may not make full sense...... i don't want to go into it all, just that Supervisor is not the nicest person; they have issues and I see it clearly. Control, security and probably others too.... The last few newest employees that are much older than me, say the work environment is one of the worsts that they have worked in.

The last guy that left was going to go to the EEOC about her, but i don't know what happened with that.

Supervisor has been nice to me lately, which is odd..... but ok.
I don't like seeing other co-workers going throw hell though.. I try best to be sympathetic, listener for them... encourage them to also go to management, state THEIR case, but also let them know all the times I have went, and what has happened.


I just have a hard time with accepting.... "this is normal"... in the sense of what my co-workers wish, and are glad about.

It seems so wrong to me. but that is just me. that is why I wrote what i wrote --
Just will have to remember the key thing of Do what makes me feel at peace, I don't have to understand the others around me or with their thinking patterns of "get 'em!"

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by Pfrog

((( Beauflow ))) ...

I read it this morning and understood completely what you were saying, and yes, toxic environments (personal or professional) not only suck they impact us folks with PTSD in a much different way than they would a healthier person.

If going to your healthy (happy) place will suffice, then it's okay to stay ... If it ever gets to where that doesn't work, though, it will be time to start looking for something else.

You'll know when that is ...

Another for good measure.

's thank you Pfrog, I am sorry that i complain so much about my work.. I thought I had been doing ok here lately but, I don't know... some times I think i just lie to get by.

I don't see it as complaining, beauflow ... I see it rather is you are trying to work it out in your mind so that you'll know what is the right and proper action to take.

It is a mind blower to work with people who like to make other people's lives a living hell - just because they can - and it also is a mind blower to have people going around thinking - Whew, gawd ... !!! ... At least it isn't me this go round.

Neither of the two are healthy models of behavior. I've worked (and lived) in both of these kinds of environments more than once in my life and it's not a good place to be ... However, it isn't as simple as just upping and quiting or leaving either ... Because we have to make sure we don't end up homeless or unemployed.

Of course, I'm a little healthier now and can kind of make myself scarce or a smaller target, but when the slime starts getting splattered my way a little too much, that's when I'll start hunting new environs and skeedaddling as soon as practically possible.

And ... Another! ... ... For my beauflow ...

[lostinbooks]

It's understandable, you don't want to suffer and you don't want others to suffer. If everyone felt like you this world would be a much better place.

[gismo]

well tonight on channel 4 (UK) there is a documentary which explains how scientists analysing internet data can monitor, predict and manipulate the behaviour patterns of individuals and certain groups in the enviroment, it is called "human swarm"
gismo x

[Gus1234U]

it has taken me a long time to even understand, not yet enact reliably, the concept that the Friendly Universe is always bringing me what i need to learn and grow as a spiritual person. i struggled for decades to change the world to suit me, to make others change to stop "irritating or abusing" me. let me tell you what i found: that is a fail strategy.

i still do find myself indulging in a good whine now and then,, it's an old habit, an old friend, but it's pretty ragged now, a worn out teddy bear. more and more i do it less and less. it served it's purpose when i used it, it comforted me, made me feel not so wretched, so all alone, so undeserving of peace.

i can see by your writing that you are working hard on being a better person Beau. i congratulate you on that~! and WOW! your ability to tolerate that situation for so long~~ admirable. i can't advise you on how to do things that words cannot describe: gain insight, exercise intent, etc., but i can tell you that when you do find inner peace it will be reflected in the outer world. i don't know how that works, but it usually does. either the source of the irritation will be removed, go thru a change, or you will move on. it's an astonishing side-effect of personal growth.

i wish you well,,,
Gus

[Perna]

I had a boss who would not change and who I could not change myself in ways to make his changing more possible, etc. and one day my T pointed out that if nothing could change (me or him) then I would become depressed; that was the only choice; quit or become depressed. That was startling to understand but I also felt that my work was not just this relationship with my boss, there were other reasons I was working there, other things I felt were good for me and that I was learning so I opted to stay and, a month or so later, my boss actually quit/got another job

That was about the same time other things were changing at work; I made a dumb statement to the owner that he only needed me about 2 days a week, he just didn't know which 2 days (the bad boss didn't do his work on time/had to be yelled at by the owner to get it completed and when I got it, I was super efficient and got it done "on time" despite a late start) and I was suddenly put on part-time status. I was also beginning to terminate my therapy, it was within 2-3 months of ending and I made some comment somewhere and a supervisor picked up on it and they instantly hired another person to learn my job from me so I put in my actual date I was quitting.

Things can change even when they don't seem like they can.

[coolbeans33]

Remember that your also a part of the environment, you can make choices and control how you perceive things around you.

[beauflow]

Gismo thanks-
I think this is related to what you mentioned with "human swarm"
Human Swarm - Channel 4 - Info - Press

We all like to think of ourselves as individuals, making up our own minds what to do and when to do it.
But this eye-opening new documentary, presented by Jimmy Doherty, reveals new evidence that suggests that in many ways we actually think and move like members of a herd of animals.

I could see that, - in way I do see that.
What happens at work is a hostile environment, people tend to go with the "herd" in some fashion. Countless time, what some call "throwing another under the bus", I have seen done and done to me. Some stick out, try to change the environment but in the end it doesn't change, and in the end it is what it is.

Gus,

i struggled for decades to change the world to suit me, to make others change to stop "irritating or abusing" me. let me tell you what i found: that is a fail strategy.

I couldn't agree more right now, today.

I have said for a while now-- My Job is teaching me things that I can't put on a resume but probably will help me out in life for myself.

Over the years with realizing "every thing is not my fault" (and yes that perception is damaging); coupled with realizing that "some people out in the world just have their own issues"--- is one thing that has helped me so much with coping. Separating out what is mine, and what is not. And for me to just worry about me.
It sounds so selfish but actually ex-t used to tell me that, "just worry about you Beauflow."

Inner peace is something that I wish at times I had, I know with myself some days I have more of a conflict going on, and other days not so much.... I have noticed with the new lady that I work with now, some days -- it's hard to say how I feel but I don't feel so stressed...
Not entirely throwing my hands up and giving up, but realizing that I have tried to give her some pointers and advice- and if ignored, they are ignored; not my problem. It works for me.

I don't know if it is admirable with me being at my job for so long... some times I really wonder if this is my "repeating" abuse in some form.... but I try to take what I can from it.


Perna,
It's funny you mention your story with telling the owner they only needed you a few days. I at times have been known to mention, why do we need to be on site 24/7; the actual work some days we don't need to come in... unfortunately for me- Furloughs sort of help prove that point (there's talk of that again, but the last year we haven't had those).

And yes, things change even if I don't see it right away. I know i have changed since I first started. Some in good ways, some I question if in negative ways.

I have been hoping this year I gather enough confidence to go out into the world and find some thing else; I know some days my job is weighing heavy on me.. other days it isn't though.

With the new lady that just came in, she is nice and has a funny personality- I over all like her.
But at the same time, I think it has been good for me to meet her at work. Some what of a reminder that some times I am not so bad as I think some times. I don't drink to cope any more, I don't go get high to cope any more.. I realize that "us" as a whole have issues, not just one or two people. And it takes that individual to work on their issues.
Those are just a few things, that came up when meeting her and the few months she has been here.

I don't know if you remember Perna, but you mentioned Flow to me one day, in a thread when I was writing about wondering what dysfunction I played as not only a worker at my job, but in the world for working for a corporation. It was a while back.
I have tried to really keep that ideal of flow with me..... I mentioned flow to the new lady because some of the things she was telling me of how she was coping when she went home, worried me as a human to another human..... she rolled her eyes at me but still I tired.
oh well, what works for one, doesn't always work for another



Coolbeans

Remember that your also a part of the environment, you can make choices and control how you perceive things around you.

Thanks for the reminder, for me that is not a new epiphany.
I wish others that are around me in real life would realize this themselves.

I have worked with some people that would out right lie on another, or someone that just "praises" from supervisor-- for whatever their reason be.

I had someone tell me when we were alone talking to one another, they did not do work- But when the Supervisor came to check up on the progress, they claimed that "someone deleted it all".
It is unfortunate they themselves, weren't able to be honest with her, and resorted to lying and making up something.
The only time where i have seen a small woman have so much power and put fear into others, is my mother from what I was a child- So Yes, I realize that I myself get triggered with this stuff--- but just because I am one that has a dx, doesn't mean it is always "just in my head".


I Did talk to one coworker that I feel comfortable to talk to, about what they said.

I asked if they were "really glad" about others going through hell. Told them that made me feel uncomfortable because now it wasn't just the supervisor to watch out for but also it was others that "are glad to see other's in hell"... It just really bothered me.

I was told that they used the wrong word-- They aren't really "gald" like happy, kicking up their heals, but they are relieved that it is not them under the radar *some what, like Pfrog mentioned.

Communication can clear things up too. I find it rare though too in my work environment.

I was telling them with how i thought, and it was mentioned that -- in reality though if I am not being picked on, someone else is; so that is why it was mentioned someone else going through hell... and this is just because how supervisor is.

For me, It all goes back to wishing her well to be better, because that is her choice to do things.... While I have wished for her to get off my back, I don't have to wish for her to go pick on someone else because that is what she chooses to do.... if that makes any sense..

In honesty I understand today why what my co-workers said bothered me so much.... some what reminds me of my siblings when we were younger.... older siblings especially- always pinning the "wrong doing" on someone else so someone else would get whipped.

I am glad that I talked to one of them here recently to find some understanding.

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by beauflow

's thank you Pfrog, I am sorry that i complain so much about my work.. I thought I had been doing ok here lately but, I don't know... some times I think i just lie to get by.

I know the feeling....to go outside I have to put on my "public mask."