[qwerty5678]

Recently I've been having an extreme amount of anxiety because I'm afraid that I'm a racist. I sat in bed for most of the day because I was too busy thinking about this to want to deal with anything. It's gotten so bad that I've been contemplating suicide again.

I've recently been having disturbing thoughts that seem racist to me. The most recent one (which happened today) is when I was thinking about how my sister's bike was stolen many years ago, and I thought to myself "It's likely that a black girl stole it because blacks are statistically poorer". What the hell? There are poor people from all races and backgrounds, but yet that's the conclusion my mind jumps to? A racial stereotype? My mind seems to be so full of stereotypes. Even though I know they aren't true, they infect my thoughts.

When I started obsessing over the concept of race (which happened recently), I found myself thinking things like "Blacks are statistically less intelligent in the United States." I soon recognized that as stupid, but just the fact that I have thoughts like that is completely unacceptable to me.

I've also been very afraid of appearing to be a racist, to the point where I'm afraid that I'll appear racist somehow if I interact with someone who's black. Maybe this could be because I've had hardly any interaction with black people throughout my life. Not by choice, but because it just turned out that way.

The weirdest thing about this is I despise racism and bigotry. I feel disgusted when I see images and hear stories about black people who were killed because of their race. I've found myself wishing death upon racists and bigots, and I know that things that racists attribute to being black is actually caused by someone's financial situation and where/how they're raised. When I hear of racists reacting to things like the interracial couple in the Cheerios commercial, I wonder how that sort of bigotry even still exists in society. There are also black celebrities that I enjoy, like Dave Chappelle, Morgan Freeman, Michael Dorn, Samuel L. Jackson, etc. I'm also very tolerant of homosexuality, I myself currently identify as bisexual. I even think that I could some day be in a relationship with a black man or woman.

So why have I been having these thoughts? Why do racial stereotypes plague my mind when I know they aren't true? Just writing this almost makes me feel literally sick to my stomach, and I'm being serious when I say I'm considering suicide again because of this issue.

I also suffer from depression, extreme OCD, and lately intense anxiety (the anxiety started occuring before I started worrying about this racism thing). I also am a pretty socially awkward person, I stay in my room all day and barely have any face to face human contact besides my own family.

Can someone please help me? I've been worrying about this for the past couple days and I swear I'm going to go insane. I don't know what to do.

Sorry if this post is poorly written and all over the place.

[Leed]

I don't think you're racist. WHY these thoughts are entering your head is beyond me. Perhaps it is the way you were brought up to believe, but you rejected those teachings. You can't help it if those thoughts come up out of nowhere. What you CAN help is feeding them -- of continuing to think about them because they are TOXIC. When you have these thoughts, just immediately think of something else. DON'T continue to think about them. It is sick thinking like this that keeps our country 'back in the dark ages.' If we're going to move forward, we need to drum out this kind of thinking.

Best of luck and God bless! Hugs, Lee

Everyone is racist to some degree. I don't think that is what's going on here though. Most overt racists I've encountered had no shame or embarrassment about being racist. There is an odd thing that happens with some forms of MI including depression, anxiety, and OCD. I think it's called inappropriate or unwanted thoughts. Maybe intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that you don't want... that really aren't yours or are beyond your control. They come unbidden and tend to pass quickly. If it wasn't racial it would be sexual, religious or some other category. Try not to let it cause you extra anxiety. It doesn't mean you are a racist or a terrible person.
Oh and welcome to the site. I hope you like it and find it helpful

[spondiferous]

I agree with George. I have OCD and these types of thoughts occur to me ALL THE TIME. I am constantly living in anxiety of messing up, offending someone, being someone I'm not (any type of oppression goes against my values as well), being 'exposed'. Losing control, in other words.
Something that was suggested to me was, try not to judge it...I know that's difficult...but when the thoughts come, notice them, say, 'Huh, there's that thought again, I wonder what's going on for me', and just let it be. Accept that you're having it. It will lose its power a lot faster than if you beat yourself up for trying to have it and then force it to go away.
Just my two cents. Sorry you're going through this; it's a painful place to be. I wish you all the best. You can come talk to me anytime you want, if the need arises.

[qwerty5678]

Thanks for the help.

The part that makes me the most angry about this isn't that these stereotypes enter my mind, I would expect that to happen because of how the media portrays these things. It's that part of me still believes them. For instance, part of me thinks "Blacks and Hispanics are statistically more likely to commit a crime". I tell myself that's absurd, and even if it were true it wouldn't matter. But it's still there. It makes me want to shoot myself.

I'm starting to go insane over this, I haven't been able to think about anything else for the past couple of days. I'm so sickened with myself and the thoughts just won't go away. I'm probably going to see a counselor soon, maybe they can help. I've already been reassured by two people in my regular life that I can get through this, but I'm not convinced these legitimate thoughts will go away.

[Laina M.]

Qwerty5678, I also have OCD, and one of my symptoms that used to be worse than it is now is having thoughts that I hate stick in my mind. Like, I'd see people having graphic sex and the more I wanted to stop thinking about that the more I would keep thinking about it. Or I'd read about discrimination, and then my mind would go YOU'RE A _____, and over and over, like I'd fixate on slurs or awful things, even sometimes about minority groups that I'm a part of.

It sounds to me like you're experiencing obsessions and they can be really distressing, I know. But they don't mean you're a bad person, as long as you don't actually believe or act out the discrimination you see in your mind.

[qwerty5678]

Thanks for the help guys. Once again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone who read this. I have found that there were a couple thoughts that were bothering me that weren't really racist, but just differing opinions on race (not sure if that makes sense). Most of the other thoughts I have had have been addressed by the logical part of my brain but will take some time to completely be rid of.

[jadzea]

By many people's definitions, I am racist. I have definite opinions of people based on their race, natioonal origin and sex, to name a few. I do not consider myself predjudiced however because my opinions were formed from my experiences with these groups. I give people a chance when I meet them and try not to let my negative ideas influence me but I am constantly on the alert for them to act in the way I expect them to act. Once they do, I am done with them. On the other hand, I know people judge me by stereotype also. I deal with it. It is their loss if they do not want to get to know me.

Originally Posted by qwerty5678

Thanks for the help guys. Once again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone who read this. I have found that there were a couple thoughts that were bothering me that weren't really racist, but just differing opinions on race (not sure if that makes sense). Most of the other thoughts I have had have been addressed by the logical part of my brain but will take some time to completely be rid of.

That's okay. I'm sure everyone does racial profiling every now and then. You're not the only one, so you're fine.

[lizardlady]

Qwerty5678, I agree with George on this. The true racists I know have absolutely NO guilt over their thoughts and comments. They are proud of them. It sounds like your thoughts are a symptom of you anxiety and/or depression. Seeing a therapist would be a good idea.

Originally Posted by jadzea

By many people's definitions, I am racist. I have definite opinions of people based on their race, natioonal origin and sex, to name a few. I do not consider myself predjudiced however because my opinions were formed from my experiences with these groups. I give people a chance when I meet them and try not to let my negative ideas influence me but I am constantly on the alert for them to act in the way I expect them to act. Once they do, I am done with them. On the other hand, I know people judge me by stereotype also. I deal with it. It is their loss if they do not want to get to know me.

I'm only a stereotypists because others have mistreated me. When someone mistreats me, I will look for certain details in that person: race, age, or gender.