[Joe-Anna]

I spend my life listening to other peoples' problems. I'm no martyr. I enjoy it. It makes me feel purposeful, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

I feel like a character from fight club. Wriggling my way into others' support systems.
I won't talk about anyone specifically, but I've allowed myself to become surrounded by self indulgent, and problemed people. Every relationship I form revolves around the other person, and how they are feeling. Because of my nature, I actively encourage it, so I don't blame them. However just for once, I'd like to open up.

I come here to read stories, not to talk about my own. In fact, I read this site for years before I joined.

I do the same in real life. Constantly meeting people to listen to their problems. I don't think it's healthy, on the scale I do it. I don't even get the same 'fix' from regular people with regular sized problems.

How do I stop without feeling worthless?

[kaliope]

perhaps you do it so that your own problems don't seem so bad?

otherwise being a good listener doesn't make you a bad person. you could go get a degree and make a career out of it. go work a support hotline.

im not getting from your post why you are interpreting this as a bad thing unless you are doing it to escape your own problems.

Wow Joe-Anna I don't know. I don't think I've ever met anyone like that. Maybe you could keep doing it but charge for it? Only half kidding there. I know someone who constantly complains about everything. I sometimes wonder if she found me lying in a pool of blood would she say oh you're bleeding, let me call 911 and tell you about what those stupid jerks did at work but let me find a chair first because my knees are killing me and I've got this headache that just won't go away.
Only slight exaggeration there.
What kind of fix do you get out of listening to things like that?

I don't know how much i have understood, or even misunderstood here... But i'll just note what i heard when i read it...

I'll quote what the writer of a TV series called Touch mentioned : "We recognize ourselves in each other, and are programmed for compassion, for heroism, for love. And those things make us stronger, faster...and smarter. It's why we've survived. It's why we even want to."

Every person loves to know they are needed, and can make a difference to the people they are surrounded by, care for... and if not, find someone they can care for and help...

However, you need to do that, by helping when required. By doing it without being self-sacrficial.
Putting their needs before your own, depends a lot on the person, their requirement, and how much and what you are compromising for it. It needs to be balanced.
And when you try to balance it, you will end up putting certain needs of yourself before theirs, and that is perfectly fine.
And if it is a healthy relationship, discussing this helps i suppose? Thinking of ways you both can be there for each other?

And for this, you will need to start seeing yourself as equally worthy of the support you give them. Your self-worth depends more on what you think than the people around you. You reflect what you think, and that is what they usually tend to believe. All upon your sense of worth of yourself. So learn to love yourself first.

Also need to realize that if you cannot help someone because of your own needs, it does not always lead to rejection, if that person truly respects and values you for who you are.

In any relationship, there should be both, give and take.

But because you have always been the rock for the other person till now, unless you feel ready to open up, and discover how to bring that to the other person's notice, i guess it is difficult for that person to get that when you are in need of his/her emotional support for yourself.
Once you start opening up, they'll realize you need them too, and i am sure if they respect your efforts to help them, they will be more than happy to help you back if they can.

Also do you find yourself being manipulated into guilt if you are not able to be there for the other person irrespective of your feasibility? People who do this are toxic people and need to be handled differently.

I don't mean to offend, but do you feel you are trying to compensate for something you feel ashamed of, by being the rescuer for others? I ask this as this quite a common reason for people being codependent on people in need of help.

[lizardlady]

George, I think I used to be friends with the person you described.

Joe-Anna, like someone else said being a good listener is not a bad thing. It sounds like you do it so much though that you don't ever get a chance to be the one unloading. Could you try talking about yourself and your "stuff" here in the forums to develop the skills to do it in the outside world?

[Rose76]

That is a tough thing to change. Ultimately, you have to change the kind of people you spend time with. Because of your empathetic nature, you probably are a magnet for people who want to be listened to and commiserated with. They are probably pleased as punch to have found you and let you know that they love your company. This can give you a feeling of interpersonal success. They keep coming around, and you keep encouraging them to do so.

Here is the problem. These people do tend to be self-indulgent, exactly as you say. They will never find you as interesting as you have made them feel. When one of them is around, try turning the conversation to being about you. Maybe you've tried and you know the result. They get bored, or say things like, "Well, I don't know what to tell you." They might let you talk for a while, but they won't ask any questions. They'll think of reasons why they have to get going and end the conversation. These people really aren't capable of true reciprocity. There is a trick they learn to pull, and I'ld love to know if you've encountered this. If they think that you are about to leave the conversation and they want to hold on to you longer, then they will ask you something about yourself that they know you would probably like to talk about. This is a trick to keep you engaged. What stuns me is that they do know enough to act interested, if they think this is the only way to hang on to you. But that will stop, as soon as they can get the floor again.

I know this because I've been a magnet for the attention-hungry, myself. It's tempting to think that you can talk them into a more balanced give-and-take exchange. I've tried that and gotten nowhere. They won't change. This is why they get avoided by a lot of people. Then they find you, and they think they have struck gold. They suck the life out of you and leave you drained. Or they can be just charming enough to make you hang on thinking that your turn will come. But your turn never lasts as long as theirs. Strangely, some of them are actually quite nice people. That keeps you hooked in too.

I think you're right that it is not healthy. If you cut these folks loose, you might find yourself lonely. That means that you need to do what they do - find people who meet your needs and cultivate those relationships. The trouble is that those people are a lot harder to find. They tend to already have friends. It's a real effort to pursue people that you want to have in your life. I'm no one to advise you on how to do that. I tend to sit back and accept whoever comes around looking for me, and guess what type that is. That's why I understand your problem. I must say that here at PC, I do find real reciprocity.

You are far from worthless. You just have gotten into a bad pattern or relating. I can totally relate.

[Joe-Anna]

@rose 76 I've witnessed that trick. I wonder if they realise how hilariously transparent they are?

I couldn't care less about loneliness or rejection. I encourage the people I surround myself with to act the way they do. I didn't mean to say I enjoy it, because I don't. What I meant to say was I do it for selfish reasons.

Everyone here has been great with their answers. X I feel life a I've been too subtle with the question, as it's something I've never admitted. Honestly, when I'm not listen to others problems, I don't see life worth living. I can't enjoy myself. I haven't been able to for years. When I'm at my lowest, the only thing that stops me from 'leaving' is the idea that I could maybe make someone else feel better about their own life. It doesn't cheer me up, it keeps me just above the line that says life is worth living.
The problem isn't the needy people I surround myself with. If it wasn't for the idea that I provide them with some value, I wouldn't be here. I don't really enjoy listening to others problems, I need them to live.

What is frustrating is that the more I listen to other peoples problems, the more messed up mine's seem by comparison. I'd never admit what I've been going through to anyone I know. I can hardly admit on here.

If I cut those people loose, I'd feel like I have no purpose. I don't think I would keep going.
To everyone else, these people are leeches, but to me they are a lifeline. To put things plainly, listening to these people is how I deal with suicidal thoughts.
I didn't want people to panic, and tell me the standard go to a T answer, so I tried to be subtle. I don't enjoy life, and all I do is listen to other peoples problems and insecurities, and try to help. If I didn't do that, I wouldn't feel worthwhile because I don't enjoy my own life, but I want my own life, one that I do enjoy.

I wish I was religious, and believed that being a service to others now, would give me eternal happiness; but I'm not.

[Rose76]

Joe-Anna, so you know about the "trick." My impression is that they have no idea that its transparent, and, yes, that is kind of funny. I wonder if they even know, themselves, that this is a maneuver that they're pulling. They probably really think they are being generous by offering to let you have the floor for a fleeting second or two.

Your problem of needing this kind of interaction of listening to others' problems, which I understand better now, is sort of a mystery to unravel. Does it, maybe, give you a feeling of closeness that doesn't exist otherwise? Maybe you genuinely do have an interest in other people that helps you cope with depression.

As I re-read your post above, I think I see more what you are talking about. You really are depressed. I won't tell you to go to a T. That doesn't work for me either. I think you are very perceptive in seeing this kind of interpersonal activity for what it is - you being used. It just popped into my head that people with emotional problems sometimes go in the direction of being used, as a way of having some basis to function on. I do it, too. I've done it in some very unhealthy ways. I honestly don't know how to explain it. It's not a good way to live.

I know what you mean about the religious angle. I used to think I was being very charitable and kind for being so available to others. A year ago, I stopped looking at it that way. I am not building up some vast store of spiritual "credit" in heaven that I can draw on some day. I feel like I've just been wasting my life. Maybe, as children, we somehow got conditioned into having this response . . . and feeling like it gave our lives meaning. (?)

[shezbut]

Joe-Anna,

Do you find yourself breaking away from these "friends" when their problems continue to grow larger & larger still? My mom has a long-standing habit of making so-called friendships where she's the martyr. She always listens to them, tries to help them, etc. But she always reaches a point where she just can't take any more of the non-reciprocation and completely pulls back from the relationship.

Does this sound familiar to you??

[sugahorse1]

I am exactly the same and am working through this in therapy. It is now coming at the expense of my own mental health.

I know I do it because it makes me feel needed and gives me a purpose

[Perna]

The only way I have found to feel less worthless is to concentrate on myself and what I want and want to be worth? If you have a goal to be "worth" a million dollars, you would not start by giving your money away? If you want to be a good friend, you have to figure out what you think that is by being one to yourself; other people cannot give you self worth, only you can make that valuation. Your values are yours; the people you like/dislike are not likable, needy, etc. except in your eyes as you are the one doing the action, making the determination of what you think. Do the same for yourself, become who you would like to be.