[MotownJohnny]

I know, I probably sound like a broken record, and I have only been on these forums a few days. And have already discussed this ad nauseum.

A year later, the fact that I was sent to do a psychiatric day program is still, out of a lot of horrible things that happened in my life, the one that burns like a searing red pain. It just hurts. I thought I was doing the right thing for myself by making an appointment with a psychiatrist. The way it played out left me feeling utterly betrayed, dehumanized, broken. This MD forced me under implicit threat of involving the authorities to do this day program, at least that was how i interpreted it, and that day program was the compromise when I absolutely refused to check myself into an inpatient unit.

The way it played out made me feel like I had committed some horrible crime and was such scum of the earth that I wasn't fit to be a member of civil society and needed to be locked away for the good of humanity. Like I was Charles Manson or something. For the crime of being honest and telling that yes, I had considered suicide as a concept, but I also said very truthfully that I had no intent, that day or ever, of trying it. So, in the matter of a few minutes, I was arrested, charged, tried, convicted, and sentenced.

And now, I have a record hanging over me for the rest of my life, just as if I were a felon. And I am so not ok with that, I would give anything not to have that in my medical files. Who knows what could happen with such information in the future?

Sorry for the rant, having an emotional time with this.

Sorry you are hurting. Here in the USA - medical files are typically confidential. Is that the case where you live? It doesn't take away your negative experience, of course - but chances are your medical history is not something available to the public eye. Take care.

[eskielover]

In the US, those arent criminal records.....& medical records are completely confidential......I don't remember honestly how many times I actually attempted suicide......& no one knows about that unless I choose to say something to them about it.......& my psychologist that I have now (I moved 2100 miles away from where I lived when I was that depressed) she knows about that past, but also knows where I am NOW & we are discovering more & more the reasons behind why I was that was at that time & I am free from that trapped situation.

The record that you can't have a gun in the US after attempting suicide is only for a couple of years (5 at most).....then it's no longer available......so I can attest....it doesn't follow you at least not here in the US like you seem to think it does.

Yes, the experience & circumstances around the situation will stick in your memory for probably the rest of your life....but even that will fade with the years also ......it's really NOT as bad as it actually seems to you....but I know it can feel that way anyway.

[MotownJohnny]

I know, technically HIPPA protects all US citizens from unwanted release of confidential medical records. But, will it always? Makes me wonder, I know after the Connecticut shootings last December, the Obama administration proposed relaxing certain HIPPA rules dealing with Mental Health.

I know, overly dramatic, but it is how I feel. I was never in my life "in trouble" in any way. And certainly not in a way that could jeopardize my career, reputation, finances, and personal relationships.
I
Frankly, if people found out about this, I think they would hate me and avoid me.

[MotownJohnny]

Oh, the gun thing - how is that for an irony. I can go buy a gun any place I want to, perfectly legal. But, if my employer found out I could be legally fired because there is a small employer exception to the Americans With Disabilities Act provision that prohibits discrimination in employment. Another thing I was blatantly misinformed about by both the quack doctor and the hospital intake social worker. I said "if you make me do this and my boss finds out I will be fired." "Oh , no, you are protected under both ADA and state law in Michigan." Wrong on both counts, as small employers are exempt. Nice that these so-called professionals know their stuff so well - NOT. I was able to look up both federal and state code in a matter of minutes and prove them wrong.

Psychiatry - the gift that just keeps on giving to me.

Medical records have been confidential long before HIPPA. Doctor-patient confidentiality protects you.

[lynn P.]

I'm sorry this is so upsetting and feel unfairly treated. If you made it clear you had no intent at all, I agree they overreacted with overkill. Did they actually arrest you? The only time they should do this, is if a person says they want to end their lives and have an immediate plan. Saying you've had the thoughts but no present intent, shouldn't warrant that kind of reaction.

If you ever want to share this again with a doctor - preface it with "I have no active intent". Sorry this happened to you.

[eskielover]

What has ACTUALLY happened to you verses what are you worried about possibly happening to you?

It's easy to get caught up in our fears of "what might happen" & allow it to paralyze our lives instead of putting it behind us & really life life & work on what got us into that place in the first place so that it won't happen again.

I've been there & had many experiences with actually having OD'ed & been taken to the hospital. I know that it's NOT a police record that happens from those kinds of situations. The hold that comes from something like that doesn't go down as a police record. In reality, an employer couldn't get the records of yours unless you give them a release to get them.

A year after that has happened is long enough for you to know exactly what will come of it. Unless somewhere along the road of your life that you need to go after a "top secret" clearance for a job, I highly doubt that any thing from that experience would or could ever come back to haunt you if it hasn't bothered you by this point.

Know it's hard to assure someone who is so sure that something bad will happen, but that's the time that you need to assess how your fears are really effecting you & stopping to focus on the facts & sometimes all we can do is deal with something farther down our life if it were to ever arise, but NOT live in fear of having the shoe slam down on you because that fear will only end up magnifying & you will end up completely paralyzed.

[MotownJohnny]

To all, thank you for your replies. Yesterday was kind of a bad day for me, and I am prone to ... Excess might be a good word. Or perhaps obsessing might be even better. I know it is very unhealthy.

Eskielover, you nailed it, my situation is exactly as you say - the fear of the hypothetical has become so strong that it takes over. It was really bad last year and into the winter of this year, I had some days when I was very low and I was sure that it was obvious to everyone, such as when I went into a store, that I stood out as someone who had been in a psychiatric ward. Like I was wearing a sign or something. Which if course made me tense, nervous, withdrawn, which became a self-perpetuating feedback loop. Yup, nothing says "Houston, we have a problem" quite like a grown man crying while he walks through a store or stands in line at the bank.p. Not good.

I have gone around and around and around about this with my therapist. A couple of weeks go, she got fed up with me, I think, and just looked at me and said something to the effect of bottom line, people have their own problems, no one cares. Intellectually, I think she is probably right. Emotionally, I feel like people would just either hate me for not telling them or, worse yet, fear me because "he's mentally ill". I know some people are like that, others are not. But my own fear and paranoia about other people's reactions is the big issue.

My father had very serious mental health problems that went untreated for decades, and my mom and I really paid a price for it. I always strived to be the opposite of him in every way - he was volatile, unstable, I tried to be low-key and calm, he was cruel and harsh, I tried to be kind and supportive and giving, he was extremely abusive to my mom, I always tried to go out of my way to be very respectful to women. And then, wham, really fast, I fell apart, and I found myself in a place where I felt like people who knew me would think I had become him. Even though how I acted was not at all like him, save perhaps for a bit of a road rage thing for a short while, and being extremely irritable, I just needed to be left alone. And it felt, it still feels, all so unfair to me, because I have always tried to be a nice guy and just bring whatever bit of light I could into the world. And all of that seemed to vanish in an instant - I would always be "that crazy guy".

And honestly, I think I am far harder on myself than others probably would be. It is such a complex mix of emotions, fear, shame, self-hatred, very poor self esteem, guilt, and then all of that got put through a meat grinder and come out as a virtually un recognizable whole.

It has been a year now, and I still feel so raw, and angry, and ashamed, and weak. I knew that there were problems with how this went down, my therapist, her supervising psychologist, and the new psychiatrist all pointed out some pretty big ethical errors the original md made. Such as, if she believed I was an imminent danger to myself, she hound have called 9/11 on me on the spot. But, failing that, given my refusal to go voluntarily to an ER, then she said she would allow me to do one of two psych day programs, as long as I started it immediately. And, she gave me an ultimatum of letting her know the next dy which one. She told me I was "in crisis" (her term) and that I needed immediate intense drug therapy that could only be administered in a hospital setting - that was her rational for saying I was beyond outpatient treatment. Except there was a big ethical problem with what she did - after I told her I would do the one hospital program, I found out it would take 4 weeks almost to gt in to it. So, I told her that, and her reponse was "ok, I want to see you once a week until you start". So, either I was such an imminent threat of suicide that I needed to be hauled off, OR I was ok to wander freely for almost 4 weeks completely untreated save for a 20 minute appointment with her every Friday during that period. Can't be both. When this was pointed out to me by my therapist it really hit me like a ton of bricks just how really negligent this was. In that time, I really should have been on anxiety and depression meds, because all of these events ramped up the anxiety from a 10 to about an 87, and all I did was cry, puke, no sleep at all, and I walked so much I turned the botom of my feet bloody raw and had to have a podiatrist stitch fascia back to muscke in my riht heel. She diagnosed all of this as mania - I failed to get the memo telling me that mania was one enormous high, because for me it was weeks of pure terror. I should have been medicated during that period, but she gave me nothing, even when I asked for it. They started me on lamictal at the hospital, and I was pretty upset about that when they told me it took 2 months to get up to a therapeutic dose. Never was given any other meds save a sleeping pill that did nothing.

It was all such a fiasco. I want to feel good about myself, and at times I do, but the tape in my head that tells me I am damaged goods, flawed merchandise, inferior, defective just always comes back. And I just want that to stop, but I don't know how apparently to stop it. It has GOT to stop.

Glad to see you post again - hang in there. We are here to support you.

[MotownJohnny]

Sorry, as I said, couple of tense bad days, family stuff going on in the background which was uncomfortable also contributing to my stress.

The thing about it is, I am usually a very good problem solver, and this one I can't resolve. It is as simple as just letting it go, I know tht, but I can't. The conclusions I come up with in my mind are laughably ridiculous when looked at objectively. I know intellectually I'm a nice guy, I am about as opposite from the monster my father was as is possible to be. I know that if people found out I was in a psych treatment program, there would be reactions, but it wouldn't be like they just found out I was a murderer or sex offender. I know I'm not going to end up homeless on the street, I have very in-demand marketable job skills and employment history.

I have an appointment this week with the psychiatrist - the NEW one who has been nothing but kind and professional and helpful. I intend to make this topic A with her, and hope that she will be able to offer me some guidance and reassurance.

[kirby777]

Hi-

I had a PA TRY to force me into an inpatient unit. This woman was very aggressive and about twice my size (which frightened me that day)...I was just there to advise the GP that the Zoloft was causing side effects. She had me in the exam room for about an hour- I was crying and SO anxious...she said something similar to "You know you are crying as you know I am right. Let me call the ambulance now.". NO. An inpatient unit would have destroyed me as I am agoraphobic and do not want to be around people. She did ask me if I felt like hurting myself. I will always say no.

Of course I have thought about it, as you said, as a concept. I have no plan, if I did, I would have been gone a long time ago.

[avlady]

I hope you feel better and can get what you need- meds, a good doc, they're not all the same and you could get second opinions on what meds you need to feel good enough about yourself and therapy for that too.

I'm so sorry for what you went thru. It had to have been horrendous. Keep posting...we're great 'listeners'.

[MotownJohnny]

It seems my experience maybe isn't that uncommon. Which is really sad.

[MrNisThinking]

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. Your old Psychologist was really bad and I'm glad you have a new one. You need to make this a topic with him or her.