Long time no see (maybe trigger)

I have been in such a bad way the past few months, mentally and physically. In July I started to have worsening heart problems, but didn't go into the doctor until at least a month or so later. My dose was doubled, but that created problems with my heart rate going very seriously low, and low blood pressure, so the dose was changed to twice a day. Still don't know what to make of everything yet. I was supposed to see a cardiologist, but I don't want to yet.

EVEN WORSE was how I have been feeling mentally. The last day I worked was September 2nd. I was supposed to report back on Tuesday after Labor Day. I always think too much, and something "clicked". My job had irritated me so much since the moment they offered me the job. I had nothing left in the bank account then--not even $100--and I was *SCARED* to even take the job. Long story short, some serious PTSD hit me and I have been scared to go back to my job. I couldn't. Fear of emotions, fear of thinking, fear of thoughts, fear of reacting. Too scared to go back to work--too scared to live--too scared to die--too scared to live.

I will skip several other details, but work eventually gave me another ultimatum after exhausting my PTO. I had to: 1)report for work with a doctor's letter of release to work, 2)go on disability or 3)quit. When I went in to quit, I learned the HR Department's actual plan--which was to have me come in to work so they could fire me! (Long story! My boss was confused and let the cat out of the bag.)So, it has been one week today since I quit my job. I still have emotions and I am afraid to talk about everything. My child's T called me today regarding a voice mail I left for him, and he also asked what happened with my job. I couldn't tell him over the phone about the PTSD symptoms. I was afraid to talk about it and getting the emotions. After we hung up, I called his voice mail back and left another message. I didn't say "PTSD", but I did mention enough other details. He was there when I had a really serious and nasty reaction to my ex-husband exactly 4 years ago. My issue at work recently was because of problems with some people when I first worked for this company 1-1/2 years ago.

Everything in life--not just PTSD issues--has been making my life miserable. At a time when I should be coming here for support, I haven't been. I've had no one but my T. I feel like I have missed out on so much of everyone's lives here, as well as the PC community as a whole. In reality, I have been missing out on my own life, too. It feels like I have no life. It feels like I would bother everyone if I post about my problems. So then why should I? I know DocJohn has given us all PC to post our thoughts and feelings to be supported and befriended by each other, and to learn from each other. But sometimes some moods make anything (and everything) hard to accept.

I do think of you all, if that means anything. I think of DocJohn sometimes too because of some issues I had last year, and messages exchanged. I sometimes and now more often, think about doing some bad things again. I have saved the messages. I think we are all in his heart. He can be so sweet and caring, and has a good sense of humor, too. We all love him. Sometimes in my thoughts of PC, I send a hug to DocJohn and everyone here.

Oh {{{{{{Inky}}}}}} Its so good to see you again, I've missed you. I'm terribly sorry at how bad things have been for you Sending many positive vibes your way, hoping things get better for you soon