[4mygrls4ever]

I have been hospitalized twice. Each time coming out worse then when i went in. I have a pshychiatrist i see that manages my meds & i know i need a therapist too but my home environment is so toxic. The stress at home is so unbearable. To top it off, my husband has his own issues & we argue constantly about everything. I'm beginning to think what i need is a residential place i can go to concentrate on getting out of this pit i'm in and learn how to hope again. I don't want to go to a psych hospital that my insurance company says i can go to that usually involves being placed in a group setting where i'm with other patients that honestly scare the heck out of me. I haven't had any real theraputic results from the hospitals that i've been in. I don't want to feel like i'm in jail. I don't want to feel afraid of the other patients there that are severely mentally ill and i actually feel scared for my life. In my experience in the hospitals that i've been in, i've dealt with staff speaking to me and treating me like i'm a child and ordering me around as if i don't have a mind of my own. I also encountered scary outburst of other patients that scared the heck out of me. All i know is that in the environment i'm in now, i constantly feel like it's a fight to be heard and understood. I don't feel like i can heal in any way and improve my wellness when i contstantly confronted with situations of unbelievable stress from other household members. I can barely take care of myself. How can i cope with taking care of other individuals if i can't take care of myself? I don't know where to turn. I'm terrified of talking with my psychiatrist about this because i'm scared he'll just place me in a hospital like the ones i was already in. I don't know where to turn or where to go for help? Does anyone here have any ideas on an inpatient program that is focused on wellness for mind, body & spirit? I'm at the end of my rope and honestly don't feel any hope in getting better in the situation i'm currently in. I have no family to turn to. I have no financial means other then my husband financially supporting me. I just don't know what to do? Please someone help me.

[emom]

Hi Kathi, I hate to say that I don't really have any answers, but I really want to respond because I know what you mean. I am a mother, too, and I have a good job and I worry that I am going to lose it all because of the stress and depression I am under right now. My daughter is having some psych problems (she's a teen) right now and I'm supposed to be advocating for her as well as my grandmother being very ill and my mother is in a mental hospital and that is worrisome, too. I know I can only take on so much, but we always take it all on because...what is the alternative?

I can't go into the hospital because I can't be away, so I am also desperate to find something else that is intensive, but more integrative.

[lizardlady]

Hi Kathi, welcome to PC.

I was in a situation similar to yours. Battling depression and other problems while living with an abusive spouse (don't saying your husband is abusive, saying mine was). My T used to tell me that my trying to get better while living in that environment was like someone with a heart condition trying to get better while they continued to eat fried chicken. I couldn't understand what he meant. In mycase I made itty bitty steps toward healing while I was still in the marriage. Are you able to move out of the house for awhile while you go to therapy? Not to enter a hospital, just live somewhere else for a bit, maybe get an apartment?

I understand your fear of your pdoc putting you back in the same psych hospital again if you talk to her/him about how you are feeling, but maybe you could say you aren't a danger to yourself, you just need a break while you start to heal and s/he could recommend some place?

[CastlesInTheAir]

You could try Googling to find a different place to go to and then suggest that to your doc. Maybe your doc even knows of a different place.

I hated the hospital I was in as well. Felt like it made me even crazier.

[Perna]

I would get a therapist, see if adding another person as support might help me. Then I'd do as lizardlady suggests and try to go elsewhere, away from home (but I would just do my own "day" program, going to the library to read, maybe a day treatment option at the hospital instead of full hospitalization, etc.).

[ECHOES]

i know i need a therapist too but my home environment is so toxic.

This shouldn't keep you from therapy that you need. And it can help very much with stress at home!

[4mygrls4ever]

Thank y'all for the kind words and advice. I have a therapist that i went to and need to make an appt to go back to see her. I have such a hard time getting myself together to leave the house. It's so hard finding the energy to do anything. I decided that i'm going to make the appt with my therapist though. I have to do something if i want to get better. Again, thank you all for your kind advice. I am so glad i found this forum.

[ECHOES]

Sending you an abundance of energy and encouragement!!

[4mygrls4ever]

UPDATE: I wanted to update y'all on what has gone on since I originally posted my post. So much ups and downs have gone on. But, everything is finally looking up. I have a new Therapist whom I love to death. I have gone to outpatient groups and learned so much. My husband has also gone to groups and learned a lot. We are also in Marriage counseling to help us communicate better. I know that things are not going to change overnight and this is a long battle but I am determined to become healthy. My Family is my life and they need me. I want to be a good role model for my children to look up to. Thank y'all for the replies that I have received.

[sweetmadness]

That's awesome!