[Canyon]

Feeling a bit alone today. I'm wondering if there are others here that can relate to what I'm feeling.

I hope that what I say doesn't offend anyone, that is not my intention at all. I guess I'm just feeling a bit envious of many of the other posters here. I don't want to and I certainly don't want to put anyone off.

I'm just wondering if there are any other people here who grew up in foster care and find themselves with out any family at all (good or bad)?

I know it may seem crazy to be a bit envious of those who have family ties, even if they are not good or healthy. I just wish that I had some. I feel like if I did have a family, that would at least come with connection to something bigger than myself. I would have someone with shared history and shared memories. I feel like it would be somewhere to go on holidays and special occasions-- even if it did end up with tense moments. I would at least have had someone to share the tense moments with. I would have someone who expected me to be there again sometime in spite of those tense moments.

I have tried to make my own family since becoming an adult. I have been married but was so clueless as to how to function in a family that inevitably my husband tucked tail and ran. It was more like we were never a family and I was just a visitor within his.

IDK, I'm really feeling inconsequential and disconnected. Really just wanting to know if anyone else relates.

[misskrome]

Don't feel bad. Family is just blood. The only reason blood is thicker than water is because it contains binding agents. Take it from someone who didn't get a family until she was 16. Do you know how many I went through before that? For seven years, I didn't even have that! I was on the state waiting list the entire time getting shuffled around from institution to group home to emergency shelter to max security hospital. The family who finally got me at 16 was originally intended to be a foster family, but felt so sorry for me that they just kept me. They got me in '97. The rest is history. As far as I am concerned, they did all the hard work, loved me in the least dysfunctional manner that they could (they had some rough times growing up, too) and were the only ones who didn't throw me away.

I get exactly what you are feeling: "Why? Why didn't I get to be so lucky? What kind of sick human being beats and then throws a toddler (or however old you were) away? Why are all these little brats saying that their lives are SO hard simply because they didn't get their i-phone for their 14th b-day when I was wishing for a HOME when I was 14!"

-and by the time you are long-since grown-up, you can't exactly find volunteers to adopt you because everyone is so busy.

Just my opinion: You are very entitled to your pain. Don't let those who weren't there patronize you and tell you to leave it in the past. The past one of many constructs of what makes you who you are, today. It can be a very useful teaching tool. I think what people mean, when they say that, is to also not forget the future and present. You deserve to be loved. -but what I think you need right now is a friend who's actually been there; someone who doesn't make you feel all alone in this. If you're comfortable, you can friend me here -but no pressure. No guarantees that things will be perfect but I'm not going to lie to you, either, so...

[Canyon]

Thank you Miss for answering and understanding. I do appreciate it.

I wish I had not posted. It seems that even here where there are 200,000 plus members there are no others that relate or give a rip .

[misskrome]

Originally Posted by Canyon

Thank you Miss for answering and understanding. I do appreciate it.

I wish I had not posted. It seems that even here where there are 200,000 plus members there are no others that relate or give a rip .

Aww, please don't regret the post. I completely understand. Sometimes, I post things and become terrified that someone will bash my brains in with hateful or judgmental comments. But there comes a point where we can no longer hide who we are.

I feel the same way. Like I've crossed the threshold of being mentally ill and having issues to FUBAR level. Most of the time, I feel like an alien among others. The looks, the awkward pauses... I can't help the involuntary movements and emotions that overwhelm me, sometimes. It really scares people. Sometimes they say patronizing and mean things but I'm used to it, even understand from their POV why they react in such a way and don't blame them but it still hurts and it never gets less painful.

[misskrome]

BTW your GIF is hilarious :P

[A Red Panda]

I didn't reply to your thread because I've never been in foster care....

But I wanted you to know that you posted at a good time for me. I just went earlier this week to children's services to start the ball rolling on becoming a foster parent. I'm single, and don't currently have a place where I could fit a child... and I am terrified. But I feel strongly about it.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so alone. Are you in a position where you could foster someone yourself? If so, it might help you not feel quite as alone, along with helping someone else not feel that way either.

The most you can do is try to be the person that you wish you had had in your life.

[peppermint1]

Canyon,
I wasn't in foster care but my mom was. I know growing up the idea of family was so important to my mom that it always made me feel loved and gave me a sense of belonging. when I was about 12 or 13 I asked her why she did all the family stuff so much, my other friends moms did some of it but not like how my mom did. she told me about being in foster care and how it always made her want to feel connected to a family. She welcomed everyone into our lives, friends, family neighbors, etc., she made it so everyone had someone to call family all because she knew what it was like to note have that.she told me that you can take unfortunate circumstances and turn them into something soo much more. It makes here a great mother. You say similar things that she once told me, I believe that means you are going to make a great mom, care giver, wife , friend, and kin. and you are going to end up creating an amazing family, it may not be traditional, mine iant exactly the traditional family, but you will make others feel loved and you will receive their love in return. you sound like you have a big heart.

[Canyon]

I feel the same way. Like I've crossed the threshold of being mentally ill and having issues to FUBAR level. Most of the time, I feel like an alien among others.

I'm sorry that you feel that way too. I hope it's not seen as selfish that it feels good to not be alone in that feeling. Even though I wish no one had to feel this way.
Glad you like the sig. I was hoping that it would make someone smile.

I just went earlier this week to children's services to start the ball rolling on becoming a foster parent.

I think that is really cool that you want to do that. There are many times that they feel that a single foster mom/dad is better for particular children's needs. Good luck with that .

Peppermint, it is so good to hear that your mom is so good and took lessons from her time in the system. Being without a family of any kind really makes a person see how important having one is, even when it is not the best one.

Being without family sometimes feels like being without food or air, you become starved from the lack of it. If you ever get a taste of it-- even if it is something that others would throw away or consider substandard-- you will do almost anything to keep it together.

[A Red Panda]

Thanks Canyon...

There's a high need for foster parents in my city... we're isolated and far north. But I know my limits right now and it makes me feel selfish and picky. I mostly decided that it was time to finally act on this (even thoguh I don't have a living situation that is suitable right now) because of a student of mine... he was just pulled from his foster home and he's now living in his seventh foster home. He's 10. It breaks my heart knowing that right now, I'm the most stable and loving adult he has in his life.

[Canyon]

Red, I'm glad that he has you in his life. I can tell you from experience that he needs someone that is a constant in his life-- even if he is not living right there. For him to know that there is at least one person is not going to abandon him again is huge.

[A Red Panda]

Yeah, I've watched how his behaviour towards me has changed. He's really hot and cold - really loving and sweet and then shuts himself down because he doesn't think good things can happen to him. The day he was getting switched to a new house, he asked me if I would cry if he didn't come back. I said that yes, I would cry. Then told him after he'd been gone the next day that yes, I had cried when he wasn't there because I didn't know where he was. He gave me the strangest look... could tell that he really didn't know what to make of someone openly saying that to him.

But as I've earned some trust from him, he wants to be right near me all the time. And is comfortable enough to ask me for things - like going with him to watch his drum audition, and to build something with Lego during an indoor recess. And if the class has earned a party and we are all watching a movie - can guarantee that by 10 minutes in to the movie he's moved his chair next to mine. And the moment I get up to do something he starts being silly.

What's nice though is that his older brother and younger sister are also both quite comfortable with me and seem to view me as a safe and trustworthy adult.

Still absolutely terrified about taking these steps though. But I know my comittment level, and I could really help someone.

[Canyon]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Still absolutely terrified about taking these steps though. But I know my comittment level, and I could really help someone.

Even though you may not be in the living situation to be a foster parent right now, you still have tons of ability to be a really important part of these and other children's life in a positive way.

I remember the 2 people that had the biggest positive impact on my life while in foster care, neither of them were people that I lived with.

When I was about 14 I was dumped (yet again) into the children's shelter after a family that I had been with for 2 years had given me up. I pretty much totally shut down at that point. I hated that county children's shelter, it was referred to as "the kennel" by us kids (sadly, a lot of the staff as well) because it was where we were taken when a family had grown tired of us or couldn't take care of us.

One weekend at "the kennel" a women's group come to visit us and take us out for pizza. As usual, all of the ladies latched on to the youngest children there and payed them pretty much all of the attention. Myself and another teen girl sat there in silence timidly eating our pizza.

This younger woman (mid 20s) came over and sat beside the 2 of us and was chatting away with the other girl and I. She was totally interested in us and only us. I was unmoved by the attention and just sat there as quietly as I could.

When the evening was over, she told the other girl and I that she would come back to visit us soon, even though she didn't have to. The women's group had done their good deed and was not scheduled to come back.

The other girl became all excited about our new friend. I kept telling her that we would never see this woman again and that she didn't give a damn about us. A week later on valentine's day this lady showed up at the shelter with candy and gifts for the 2 of us.

Long story short is that she very slowly won me over and we become really close friends for quite a few years till I grew up and went away to college and we lost touch. I credit her with me going to college at all and not doing some other really bad stuff.

Even if you never do take in foster children, you can still make a huge difference. I'm so glad that you are there for this boy.

[A Red Panda]

I'm glad that you had that young woman show you and the other girl that she did genuinely care. It reminds me of something that went on with me when I was in university - I was volunteering at a private school my neighbour worked at during the summer, just to have more experience in a school setting. There were these two little boys that I got along with and who were always coming up to tell me things and to play with my during their breaks. A few weeks in, my neighbour let me know that it took everyone else that entire year to get the boys to even say more than word or two to them, and that everyone was shocked at how easily those boys opened up with me. I had no idea! I was glad that I was able to be a positive person in their lives.