[inkblot]

I already have no home. For too long I listened to my T and people tell me to go back to work. I am sure they underestimated my PTSD about going back to the place I was afraid to go back to. In the first week of October I told my T that I had only $1,000 left--I didn't know if I could continue or for how long. He said he thought that sounded like a lot of money! It's not. I reminded him of my bills--car payment, storage, gas for the car, etc--they add up. Plus other things like buying my kids lunch every other weekend. The five days in the hospital recently really put me back from getting other things done. Right now I am so scared! I don't know what to do about anything anymore. This will be the month I lose my car. I will lose everything in storage--photos and albums, my kids' toys, my clothes and everything! I don't even have furniture in storage but a few shelves. Even if I can somehow make a car payment, the insurance bill is due and I won't have that. I won't have gas money either. After another homeless member slashing all my car tires a few weeks ago, and other vandalism, I really need it. I got a hunch over the weekend that my primary medical doctor might even consider coming up with some reason to try and put me in to the hospital for Christmas eve because the shelter site I would go to will be closed. If I do lose my car, I won't make it from one site to another by walking because of my knee problems, and it can be several miles between sites. A drive in my car to one of the sites I go to can be 15 or 20 minutes--imagine walking in the cold with bad knees! I couldn't do it! If I lose everything, I seriously afraid that will be it for me--that I will *TOTALLY* give up. I am so scared, I am near that point now. I have been trying to get a new caseworker, but that is getting to be a forever process. Meanwhile I have been abusing my medical doctor's private office email. I feel like I am forcing him into my insane life. He never asked for this. But he's taking it--I owe him so much. I think he's getting more drawn into it, possibly even feeling both caring and frustrated that I live this way. I got an idea when I was in the hospital that he liked me being there. Like alot of people who sometimes forget, he made a comment at the hospital about me being able to go home. I laughed and joked, "Oh! Who's home are you sending me to?!" The innocent joke/reminder seemed to upset him, that I would actually be discharged to nothing. I am pretty sure he kept me in the hospital one extra day for the cat scan so I could have just a bit longer of a better place to stay. I emailed him when I found out about the site being closed Christmas eve, then suddenly he had available appointment times open up for this coming week. Prior to that he ok'd that I wait for this next available, which was over a month away, provided I did my labs before then. He has added open time slots like that before. It's like his "secret" way of communicating with me. He's not allowed to email me back. Like I said, I'm not even supposed to know that email address, but I used to work within their network so I know how they are formatted. Everything I say in the emails is off-the-record because of it, so he can't comment or ask directly about what I say in them. But we are working it out in other ways. A while back I mentioned about cancelling an appointment with him. He had other ideas and immediately took away the checkbox to cancel the appointment online--his way of saying it was a Mandatory Appointment. I hate to draw him into this. I love what he is doing for me, and that he is taking so much of my email abuse and everything. The way my life is now--they way it is getting and about to be--I am afraid to drag him into that with me. I already emailed him that if I was a horse, I'd be euthanized by now.

[inkblot]

I was going to add, if any of you are inclined to pray, please do so. I am hoping for a Christmas miracle right now at the best. I have so little motivation but to sit back and watch it all happen. It seems hopeless.

And by the way, for those of you who I got a PM about from DocJohn a few weeks ago--thank you. It was very much appreciated.

If only someone could PM me a whole new life. I'll take what's behind Door #1. I kind of wish my doctor appointment was this week instead of next week. He's all I've got. It will likely be a quick tummy check and a lot of talk. And hoping I don't cry. Still afraid of that. My changed the default on my appointments so they are always scheduled for a half-hour and not the standard 15-minutes so we have some "social time". Wish I could take something in for him for a gift of some sort. Might have to be creative.

[mrb020377]

inkblot, I wish that there was something i could do for you. I am sorry that you are going through this. I want you to know that I am thinking about you right now. I too am hoping you have a Christmas miracle!

[January]

(((((((((( Inky )))))))))))

I can't see it any better than Mel, above. I, too, hope for a Christmas miracle for you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Hugs,

Jan

Wish I could do more to help inky.

I'm with the others...miracle vibes coming your way.

[JustAPixie]

(((((((( Inky ))))))

You really deserve a break... I'm glad you at least have someone to lean on - even if he is your doctor, it helps to know that there are people who care!!!

I wish i could take all the bad stuff away, I really do... but all I too can do is pray and hope for a miracle...

[Boopers]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((INKY))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry life is not much for you right now. I wish I could take it all away for you.
I'll be saying a prayer for you that you will get that miracle.
Hang in there,
Linda

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope things get better for you soon. Have you went to Jobs and Family Services in your area to apply for emergency assistance? They may be able to help in some way. Red Cross and Salvation Army may be able to help you as well. I hope you get a case manager soon to help you with your housing problems tha tyou are going through. I hope the best for you. Take care sincerely Soidhonia

[Sabrina]

Dear Inkblot

There is a song that comes on the radio every now and again and I never fail to think of you when I hear it. I know we have not posted to each other before, but that does not mean I don't know of your plight.

I wish for the best for you. I send you strength and love and good wishes. I know it is not tangible. But I also know you appreciate it.

Sabrina

[(JD)]

I used to say that too, "If I were a horse they'd shot me by now."

I sure wouldn't be worrying about drawing anyone and everyone into your situation, if they can help, let them. Let them also be their own guide on what and how much they can do and handle.

I am so sorry for your plight! Now that we have your overall account of what is going through your brain/mind, can you set in a list exactly what you are needing? Maybe that listing would also help your doctor help you

[cynicalsierra]

I am horribly sorry about your situation, I wish i could help you. I will wish you good things.

[wisewoman]

Inky, you never answered the question, mine is have you tried to get into disabled housing or low income housing? Could you see yourself there? I know you need to file for disability NOW, I am glad to help, pm me. I wish for you a miracle of peace and a light at the end of the tunnel.