[Hydrophobic1212]

I am twenty years old now, and I knew I was a problem child. My parents always told me that it started as a baby, and they went through so many diagnoses for me before settling on one (which I am now going to challenge and work with my pdoc about. He agrees it doesn't seem to fit anymore). So, I finally asked if I could see the file we had on all my evaluations and everything that ever happened with me.

It was... Enlightening, to say the least. I knew most of it, but there were some things that really stood out to me and also surprised me - as I still do them today! We think I'm autistic, more specifically having Asperger's and reading through this really strengthens that belief.

But, I'm going through many mixed emotions at this moment. Such as feeling guilt over how my parents had to deal with this (specifically my mother, as she was the one who always took the full brunt of my anger. I'd hit her, kick her, hurt her all the time) and she's taking Zoloft now and never said why. Always said it was just to give her extra help through out the day, but I think she takes it because she had so much trouble with me. I also feel happy in being able to see this from an adult perspective, and I was also terribly amused with some of the things that were written.

Over all, it was a very interesting experience, and I'm glad that I was able to look through it. However, I will not touch the journal my mom gave me to look at, from her perspective. Something about seeing everything from my mom's perspective compared to the evaluation reports from doctors, makes me on edge quite a bit. That, and even though she was going to share it with me, I'd much rather she tell me in person if she ever wanted to share it with me.

This is so me, lol. Reading this reminds me of a number of past experiences similar to yours. To go through this is all of those feelings and more. The way I see it is, consider yourself lucky. Not many people get to experience this. That was one of my first thoughts, and that's how I got through it. Good to hear that you got some verification and I'm sorry about the negative feelings. Just know that what you're feeling is an appropriate reaction to something like this.

[Hydrophobic1212]

Thank you! And I'm glad I'm not the only one! But yes, I totally agree with that. I didn't realize that until you said it now, that's very true. I'm over all the feelings now, with waking up, but it was still an interesting experience.

[thickntired]

I asked for all my records and was very disappointed lol. I guess I was expecting some top secret notes, but basically it was just everything we talked about in appointments.

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[monkeybrains21]

I would love to see what my T has written about me. It would be enlightening to see how others view me.

[happiedasiy]

To all the posters who felt this was a positive experience and gave you some insight and gratitude, I am very happy for you.
Hydrophobic1212, you might want to wait to read mothers journal. This may bring up things and feelings that need not be addressed today. You are in a positive place now.
The fact your mom was willing to share it with you just shows how much she loves you.

To others reading your file can be triggersome. ( new word ) !
For people 30 and over and have read their file was/is hard because of misdiagnosis and treatments, will read things that that contradict the reality of the past and how patients were treated then. Start where you are today.

I have read things that the doctor recommended but insurance never released or approved.
I didn't like the tone of the insurance dr . Example patient denies she drinks alcohol rather than saying patient says she doesn't drink.
After a head/neck injury mri found more bilateral embolisms on the left which were older than the subdermal hematoma they were authorized to treat, I only recently got this information.

So If you want you should seek out all physical files but mental notes from a doctor be forewarned you might not like what you read and if you do take it with a grain of salt.
It is an opinion.

Happiedasiy

[thickntired]

Thanks, Happy Daisy. I just got out of the hospital and was devastated to learn I have even more diagnosis. I think it can dictate our life to some extent. It makes me think of how they weigh ppl with eating disorders away from the numbers.

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[Hydrophobic1212]

As I said, I won't ever read my mom's journal. Ha, ha. I don't want to know, and I don't ever want to know. I saw a glimpse into it in this file, of parts that were kept to be shared and I just don't want to see it. I was very pleased with the rest, though. There was one psychologist who was VERY Freudian and was convinced everything I was doing (at four years old) was sex, sex, sex. Ha, ha! That made me laugh and a lot of it was very amusing as well as interesting to see the observations made about me. It went all the way back to when I was 3 and a half years old, so it was definitely cool to read. In all honesty, ALL of what was said, is very accurate and will help with today. I was wanting to look through it just to see, but I was very shocked and enlightened to see a lot of then is still true now. Save for the violence. ha, ha. I'm no longer a violent person, but the rest is still there, just in different ways so it will be beneficial to share this. Thanks for all the replies. (: