[porcelainchild]

Hi,

I really need some support or hugs or anything..

I recently lost my little sister in a truamatic way and I am really struggling.. I was to be with her so much, I keep making plans to kill myself to be with her.. Plus my OCD is making my mind think that I am to be blame for Jades death cos I keep thinking cos I didn't complete a ritual one day and then I started getting images and thoughts in my head saying someone in my life was gonna die and a few weeks later my sister died..

I want to harm myself so badly, I want to get the anger, guilt and the flashbacks to stop and I just feel like I cannot cope for much longer.. I just wanna be with her, I am not strong at all..

Claire..

[shabur]

Hi porcelainchild

I am sorry you lost your sister. I don't know what I would do if I lost one of my siblings. What I do know is you're not responsible for your sister's death. When such a tragedy happens we want to make sense of it so we grasp at anything. It may make sense to you because you have a ritual, but your sister's death was at the result of a conglomeration of events.

I have experienced an unexpected death and that happened when I was a child. A friend of mine was riding her bike and was hit by a car. The other deaths I've experienced were expected. What I have learned/believe is the souls of those we lose stay with us. They are always a part of our hearts.

You are grieving right now and it hurts. This process is going to take as long as it needs to take. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself. Cry, scream, punch your pillow, but remember all the good times you had with your sister.

(((HUGS)))

[yumi]

Please don't blame yourself for your sister's death, I don't think she would have wanted you to do that. I am so sorry for your loss
I also don't think she would want you to cut your own life short to be with her, either. I'm sure, where ever our souls go after we pass, she is watching over you and encouraging you to live and embrace life and to find joy in it.
I sure do wish I could scoop you up and hug you so tightly, I really do.
Hang in there. Life is worth living. Give yourself permission to live. I'm sure your sister would want that.
Hugs

[Alone & confused]

I am so sorry for your loss sweetheart! And I agree with the other posters. I don't believe she would blame you for what happened or want you to hurt yourself in any way.

[justbeingme80]

I am sorry for your loss. I lost someone very dear to me too. I know right now it's hard, but you were not to blame for her death. Not completing a ritual and having those thoughts doesn't make you responsible for her death. I blamed myself for the unexpected loss I had--that I could have done something to prevent it. So know you're not alone. I too thought I would be better in the grave with this person.

I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it does get better. I don't know you well or your situation, but I don't think your sister would want you to cut your life short. You don't always have to be strong. It's okay to let yourself grieve. Is there someone you could talk to--a friend, parent, even a counselor? Or just even posting here. I'm glad you're reaching out here on psychcentral.

[BeaFlower]

I'm so sorry I understand that your OCD makes it be even worse (I think to have OCD too). But it's not your fault, really...probably also you know it, when you aren't having those intrusive thoughts. When I was a child I lose two little brothers, but before their birth (it's the first time that I say it)...your experience is surly even worse, but I can understand at least a bit your pain. You'll be well again. I love you