[Side2Side]

Bad few days, my gf of 9 years left me. On friday we were out drinking and had an arguement. Something she said flipped a switch in my head and the voices began to roll. I left her there by herself and walked off with the intention of comitting suicide, in a moment of level headedness I called the emergency services and told them if I stayed out here with the voices I wouldn't make it home. So, cops arrived and took me home and stayed with me until they had spoken with the CPN. I have not seen gf Friday the incident (which is fitting because if something happened to her I wouldn't have seen her again) she has spoken to me through text and wants time to think about things. I told her I understand and she takes the time she needs. We have a lot of problems because of my condition all of which I want to work on but need her help and told her there are many things she would have to fix too.
and now every time I think of her I am overwhelmed with guilt for leaving her behind (she was in a taxi and home safe within 15 min) the stress has made me cut myself something awful. I want to fix all this but feel that she deserves a better life than one with me, I just miss her so bad and the fact that it is 100% my fault makes it so much worse. I'm worried if I explain the cutting to pdoc I will be hospitalized. If that happens I will never get her back. I'm supposed to by starting AP's and get my diagnosis this week. She wants to know how that goes and if I can start living normally again. I'm really concerned that her mind is made up and there is no fixing it due to my screwing up and there's not enough drink/weed/meds/cigarettes/blows to the head/cuts to the chest that can ease this stress. My next appointment with pdoc is Wednesday, should I wait or phone her now?

[Hellion]

If you have intentions of harming yourself its not unlikely you'd be hospitalized...but why would being hospitalized mean you'd never get her back?

[Grey Matter]

Most pdocs/t's understand the difference between self harm and suicidal intentions. If you are feeling suicidal, you have to do what is best for you. I know not having here there hurts, a lot of us have been there. But you need to make sure you're selfish in this case. We all need to survive on our terms. And if hospitalization would help you, please make sure you follow your gut.

The times I've been in the hospital saved my life.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Side2Side

Bad few days, my gf of 9 years left me. On friday we were out drinking and had an arguement. Something she said flipped a switch in my head and the voices began to roll. I left her there by herself and walked off with the intention of comitting suicide, in a moment of level headedness I called the emergency services and told them if I stayed out here with the voices I wouldn't make it home. So, cops arrived and took me home and stayed with me until they had spoken with the CPN. I have not seen gf Friday the incident (which is fitting because if something happened to her I wouldn't have seen her again) she has spoken to me through text and wants time to think about things. I told her I understand and she takes the time she needs. We have a lot of problems because of my condition all of which I want to work on but need her help and told her there are many things she would have to fix too.
and now every time I think of her I am overwhelmed with guilt for leaving her behind (she was in a taxi and home safe within 15 min) the stress has made me cut myself something awful. I want to fix all this but feel that she deserves a better life than one with me, I just miss her so bad and the fact that it is 100% my fault makes it so much worse. I'm worried if I explain the cutting to pdoc I will be hospitalized. If that happens I will never get her back. I'm supposed to by starting AP's and get my diagnosis this week. She wants to know how that goes and if I can start living normally again. I'm really concerned that her mind is made up and there is no fixing it due to my screwing up and there's not enough drink/weed/meds/cigarettes/blows to the head/cuts to the chest that can ease this stress. My next appointment with pdoc is Wednesday, should I wait or phone her now?

I dont know about scotland (where your profile says is your location) but here in the USA each state has their own mental health laws and since 9/11 a nation wide law about people being a danger to their self and others through suicide/self injury. based on those things each mental health agency has their own guideline of when they must hospitalize and when they dont. some take it case by case and others have a standardized set of rules.

only those in your own location can tell you what the standards are where you are and whether you will be hospitalized...I can take a guess...since the cops took you home and sat with you rather than transporting you to the hospital I'd say the odds are good that you wont be hospitalized.

[Side2Side]

Just to update the anxiety has settled a bit, my sensei is going to meet up every day for training which gives a positiveway to put it. He's also a good friend so someone to talk to without fear of hospitals. I feel the relationship is over with the gf, I've pretty much agreed to submit in every way as long as she helps me with my illness, hell every problem we have stems from it and can be fixed if she would help me through it. She said it may be too much to handle and if that's the case im better without her. I can't be expected to look after her if she won't do the same for me. I left her behind but this is how I've felt for months, scared and alone. And on the bright side no more getting shouted at - "can't you stop being depressed and ****ing smile". I am just going to accept its done and try and move on and get on with my life. I give it 30 minutes before I cry and ***** about how I need her lol I'll enjoy this positive time while its on :-)

[Hellion]

From what you say it doesn't sound like she is very supportive, so you are probably right about being better off without her....I know it sucks but being willing to accept that is a good thing. Its good you have your sensei to talk to.

[Side2Side]

Not the best method of coping but she left a VERY good and expensive bottle of wine that wasn't to be drank. Halfway through the bottle :-)

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Side2Side

Not the best method of coping but she left a VERY good and expensive bottle of wine that wasn't to be drank. Halfway through the bottle :-)

Cant say if it is right or wrong, but if I was in your situation I'd probably do the same thing.