I have a question

Well, two if you count me asking if this is the right place to post this..With so many sub-topics and main topics, and the fact I'm not sure what I would be "diagnosed" as it's very hard for me to place it in a thread where it's 100% correct.. Sorry guys..

My question, other than that is this: Am I crazy?

I've been through a lot in my life (and I am sure some have gone through more than I have been through). I started having symptoms around 8/9 years old.. At first my symptom was just trichotillomania to cope with my home life...As I got a bit older and hit puberty the real "fun" began.. My babysitter had gotten me to quit pulling hair (a habit I picked up at 20 all over again) BUT now I had intense fears of abandonment, paranoia that people want to hurt me, fear of death (though I'm not sure if it could be from almost drowning 4 times - 3 of which were someone else trying to drown me), emptiness, serious dissociation (I'm talking there are months I lost track of ... In fact, in 8th grade I lost most of that school year.. It's weird though, it's hazy.. Like, I felt like I was watching myself some of the times..But then I have no idea what happened the other times..And I'd be smashed back to earth one day out of the blue and think "oh, crap..the school year is almost over...wait have i even gone to school this year? did I meet anyone? do homework?".. Things like that..) , impulsive buying/drinking "because I felt better"..Things like that..

Looking into it I have some symptoms of BPD..Which I wondered since I was 16 if I had (and still wonder)..BUT.. I can't tell if I'm just crazy, if it's all in my head (except the traumas I've been through..They're real..Very...very..uncomfortably real..)

I used to think it was no big deal I'd lose weeks/months/school years worth of time.. I'm older now.. And my crazy relationships, fears, and emptiness are causing me a lot of distress.

I still dissociate, even at 23.. I still have fear of being abandoned, fear of dying, fear of a lot of things... I still cry one hour and I'm fine and even embarrassed the next.. I still struggle with feeling hollow.. I still can't tell if I'm real or not, and most days I feel like I'm watching a game or a movie on a tv.. It's like, it's not real it's just a ride..Go along with it.. Sort of..

I dunno..Do crazy people know they're crazy? Could I possibly have BPD (if anyone has this do let me know if it sounds similar)?

I hear BPD is part genes and part psychological..I've been messed up (and hidden myself behind my mask) my whole life. I don't even know who I am, because it changes a lot depending on who I am around. My mom makes fun of me if I show her any weakness..My dad would never understand, his idea of coping is to be cruel..

Could it all just be emotional trauma from things I've gone through?



I realize this is long, disjointed and rambly.. But I'm kind of all over the place as a person, naturally.. I do try.. I do apologize..

Hello Ams3618! Welcome to Psych Central! There are some test here that maybe could be helpful. But better to have someone working with you on this stuff. We can't put a diagnosis on you. That said, a lot of what you describe sounds like are things we monitor in a DBT class I take that's designed for BPD (They like to call it Emotional Intensity Disorder). Better to see a professional though for a diagnosis.

Hmm interesting!

I'll look into it, thank you for the reply

Well it sounds like you certainly are struggling with a lot of mental health issues, and could have multiple disorders. If you've been through a lot, that could certainly be a contributing factor to what you're experiencing, some could have to do with genetics. Typically its a combination of biological, social and environmental factors that cause mental issues. It also sounds like your family is not very supportive...meaning you've probably been trying to cope with it all on your own which can cause a lot of stress. Also a lot of times ones condition can get worse...so if you were dissassociating when you were younger and haven't been getting any help it would certainly make sense that would still happen at the age of 23.

It would probably be a good idea to talk to a mental health professional who can diagnose about those issues and then maybe look into therapy and sometimes medications can help some things....though I haven't had much luck with that.

My issues make me feel crazy, but that is a somewhat vague term...but some people find it offensive in reference to mental illness, I really don't same with the term insane...unless someone is trying to use it in a derogatory manner at me then I wouldn't like it but generally those terms don't offend me.

I am a 23 year old male and I can relate to much of this, and I have no idea what is wrong with me either. I am also missing lots of time in my memory; I feel like if you were to print off a timeline of my memories much of my teenage years would be blank. I have tried to get help but whenever I talk to someone about my issues I kind of downplay them because they don't feel as real when I am talking to someone. It doesn't help that I constantly change what issues I focus on so I never really know what my issues really are.

I hope you can find some answers here.

I feel like you're in my head (as in you relate pretty closely)! Thank you I hope you do too!

I know I don't find crazy offensive (and I've been called it in a derogatory way). I think you're right I hope I can afford the exorbitant fees though :/

I have had people imply that in a derogatory manner, the part that bothers me is they are trying to be mean...not the implication that I've got mental issues since that parts true. As for fees, costs can be kind of ridiculous but sometimes there are resources to help with that or places that offer lower costs for mental health services.

I'm on SSI and have medicaid, so the medicaid covers most costs but there are limits on where medicaid is accepted and such.

Please do call your local mental health facility and make an appoinment. Most of them work on a sliding scale according to your income. Then start the process of filling out paperwork for SSI and medicaid. I also live in CO and have found that if you get yourself in the system, people will help you. You did not say if you are working (or if you did, I missed it). It does not sound as if you could or should be working right now.

Please do not dispair. You have found a place where so many share your pain and will help and support you. Many of us think of ending the pain on a daily basis, (I know I do) but since there are so many other avenues for you to explore, why not try them first?

I share and understand your pain. As others have said, it is not my place to diagnose you, but it sounds as if you have several issues going on. And believe there are also many kind people who are willing to extend their hand to you-doctors and therepists, etc. As well as the people here who share a kinship working our way through life slightly off kilter.

Please feel free to PM me-I am willing to listen anytime. We will value you for the unique and special person that you are.

Hi. My therapist gave me the book I Hate You Don't Leave Me. It's all about BPD.

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