If I were dying...

If I, or someone else here, or someone close to you, were dying... would you want to know?

Why? Why do you suppose you would want or need to know?

How would you want to find out, or would you rather ignore it?

Just wondering.

If someone close to me was dying I would want to know. I would want the chance to say good-bye and ask if they needed anything from me before they went.

We all are dying. Our demise is not a scheduled event. It is later than we think. I do not want someone I care about to pass without knowing how much he/she means to me.

Absolutely. I've been in this situation many times. This allows me to offer assistance, support, and prayer. In my experience, these friends and family members have offered up this information freely and wanted what I mentioned: assistance, support, and mostly prayers. I don't begin to comprehend the idea of ignoring it. Part of life's experience is the process of facing death. It's a natural part of life.

I had no choice when I found out. A doctor came into my room in the hospital and told me I would probably be dead within 2 years and that was 6 months ago.

I am glad I know, it has given me a chance to deepen my relationship with my only friend - my wife.

But since I was told that, I have resigned myself to the fact and do nothing to physically make my time the best it can be.

Excellent point Glok! I meant to say something about this in my reply. Having lost most of the people I care about I make sure that those who are left know how I feel. We can lose someone in a blink. I want them to have the knowledge I care.

It's an interesting question...if it's someone else who's dying then arguably you should already be doing good by them anyway (the degrees vary but i'm assuming its someone you care about hence needing to know?) But ultimately life doesn't always work like that. So i suppose if i can have some warning; an opportunity to right any wrongs, assist, support etc. then i'd gladly take it.

Isn't that kind of the barrier on suicide? That before you do it - have you done all the things you need to? Have you said goodbye to everyone,? Have you made your peace with God? Have you done all you could? Are you 100% ready?

Knowing in advance is a double edged sword. I guess if you are just talking about an illness - I supposed that it may be easier on the family - to prepare themselves.

I would want to know... If it was you or anyone here I care about..

It's an interesting question ....

I would want to know so i could pray and spend more time with the person. i would like to enjoy the time left that the person has left.

I think we're all dying? Now that I'm getting up there in my 60s and my husband, over 70, I am more conscious that there isn't a "lifetime" ahead of us. I see how we need to not concentrate on the possibility this may be our last day, hour, month, whatever but also be more careful how we spend our time, what we say to another, etc. Not so good at that yet (don't practice enough :-)

Most of my really good online friends I have turned into real friends. I was thinking about that last night; an online friend sent me a Christmas card last year and I did/have not responded and was thinking of doing that today, guess I'll do that right now! I guess I would only want to know medical problems/that they had been diagnosed with a fatal illness if there was something I could do to help. I do have a good online/actual friend now with COPD, on continuous oxygen, who now can only get around by wheel chair, her arthritis is so bad, but they cannot operate because of her breathing. I try to email and keep in touch more often. I guess I mostly would want to know since someone struggling with a debilitating/deadly illness is not going to be able to get out as much, will be more limited in "scope" and my bit of communication might be a welcome part of their life. I do that with my older relatives, too; my 93 year old aunt, etc.

If you know, and want us here to know, I would want to know.
Thank you, Ripose, for letting us know. Now I know.

If it were me, I am uncertain about knowing 'definitively'.
I have made certain life choices that inform my longtime physician/PCP that in fact I do not care to know, e.g. my choice for no colonoscopy, no more mammograms, pap&pelvic annual exams.

While in fact I do want the TBI/CHI followup brain MRIs, ct scans, and lung monitoring, bone density scan to be aware of any osteoporosis issues. If that's ironic or seemingly contradictory to my stance on knowing, then so be it. The latter tests have to do with quality of life present and future; the others hold for me the potential trigger for determining my state of mind for a continuing life or death sentence. Capice?

How are you and how is your family, Ripose?
My best to you and yours.

Thank you for your concern Princess, it does mean a lot to me.

Of course I might live another 5 years or only 6 months, nobody can say for sure.

The only person that knows is my wife, instead of getting overly upset we talked calmly about it and my wish to die at home. Neither my family or hers has been told anything and because of my MIs I prefer to keep it that way.

As long as I have my computer and the Internet and people like you and others here I will be just fine.

I give my life meaning by chatting on sites like this and by searching for the best free software available for the visually impaired which I then post about and tell people how to set up.

So I am content.

Have a great day all!

I had an interesting conversation with the PA at my pain specialist last month......as I was talking to her about the horrible trauma I went through with my mother who I knew was dying of cancer but her oncologist the last thing that he had told my mother was that he "got all the cancer" right after the operation.....while I thought "HOW ARROGANT".

It was hell at the end of her life because she was continually asking me when she was going to get better......she said that she knew God had given her THAT oncologist because he was going to save her life......while in reality, he told me at the end he thought "what a fool she was because she had totally ignored the cancer until it was stage IV & really didn't want to live". She was a fool, but it wasn't because she didn't want to live.....she was in denial that anything that serious could happen to her.

I have held this anger that that oncologist wasn't honest with her or me (her only family)....& he wouldn't even test for the stroke I'm sure she had after I proved to him that she did have blood clots in her legs (after the surgery).....but what I hated most was even the very last night of her life, she was asking me even though she could hardly talk any longer (the cancer had spread into her lungs).....& they had finally been honest with me about her condition which only 1 month before they treated her as if she were dying but never said a word to her.

My PA at the pain clinic came to the US from China....& over there she said they NEVER tell the patient that they are dying......the family is the only ones they tell.....where here in the US they can't tell the family because of the HIPPA laws...& if they don't tell the patient....no one knows other than the MD.

All that to answer the questions.

I definitely WANT to know......for family, I was there anyway because I was her only family....but for friends....I want to be there for them also....so give whatever support I am able to provide.

Also, if the MD had been honest with my mother & we could have planned the whole situation together the horrible trauma with the home care person would have NEVER have happened......so I still have anger toward the oncologist & toward my mother for the trauma that I went through because of them.......It's important to be open & honest on all health issues especially with close family.......close friends it's nice to know because it's important to be a support to them.

Thank you for keeping us posted here, Ripose, on your status of being, both your physical wellness and state of mind in this regard.

It is good news to hear that you and your wife are calmly communicating with one another in regard to your wishes and your mutual courage in all of this. Your mutual choice to not yet share this with the rest of your family I can well understand and respect. For whatever your reasoning, I am sure that this is a wise choice on your part.

I do hope that you will be around for the long term, Ripose, and feeling well enough to participate in your life and enjoy. It is no small matter you are dealing with and hopefully the supportiveness from this online community will rally round you, as is your stated wish.

Again, thank you for letting us here know.
All the best to you and your family, Ripose.

Oh dear ripose. I failed to read further down the thread. I've been away from pc since march. My personal experience was with my mother's illness. She had terminal breast cancer. She and I weren't close but I can say I admired and respected how she lived each day after her Dx. She accepted that her death was imminent and lived each day in a normal everyday way. I saw no self pity. She didn't complain tho she had to have been in great pain. Her cancer had spread. I know these things because I caretook her as she worsened. She possessed so much dignity. I am grateful I had that time with her to know a side of her I didn't know existed, a strong and spiritual woman. I hope I can be as selfless as she was. She was 60 years of age. I am 66 now. I didn't realize at the time how "young" she was.
So sometimes we can live by example without realizing we are. That was my mother's legacy to me.

If I were dying I do not think I would tell anyone but my therapist. I said "do not think" because as far as I know I am not dying. I have no face to face friends. My family rarely ever contacts me. (I do the contacting). I feel closer to some people here on PC than my own relatives.I would seek my therapists counsel about wrapping up my life here on earth. I would seek her counsel on dealing with my own demise. Most of you are good folks, tis true. All my life I have heard to not have pity on yourself. I think I would see it as self pity if I were to tell such a thing here.
Excellent thread!

I would prefer not to know, to just enjoy what time I have left. My sister died a slow death, six years of fighting knowing she could not ultimately win, and I cannot tell you how hard that was on the rest of us. six years of hell.

we are all dying, most of us just haven't taken it in. no one is promised a tomorrow, or another hour. this could be your last act.

I have to believe that everyone would love to say one last goodbye to the people they care about..... maybe ease their pain of loss.

but beyond that - I would simply DANCE in my soul. I hate this world and long to be in my real home.

Hello IDM. Thanks for what you wrote. I mostly feel the same way. Though it would be very important to say goodbye to loved ones, I dont seem to have any of those. As far as dancing with joy, well, it would be great to just not be in pain.

Yes, I would want to know. Like with my mother when she was dying it gave me a chance to say all that I needed to before she left this world. With my dad, he was unconscience when I got to the hospital. There are things I should have told him but didn't get the chance.

For all I may or may not know, I may be dying today. So how I choose to live this day is important to me. What will I have 'contributed' in this my small, insignificant life, unto the greater whole of humanity, life upon this precious planetary orb?