Something I've been keeping to myself since Friday...

...I guess in the hope that I'd be able to pretend it never happened, but it's not working. But I can't bring myself to speak about it, so I want to see if I can write it...(it probably won't seem like a big deal written down, but it feels like a huge deal at the moment)

On Friday I had my French prelim, and I took a verb table in with me as well as a dictionary. I've brought the verb table with me to French class every day and nobody had told me not to bring it to the exam, but when I was halfway through the first paper one of the invigilators came up to me and asked if I was allowed them. I said I thought I was so she said she'd check with one of the teachers.

I started getting worried then, but I managed to get through the paper without getting too worked up. During the break I ended up crying in the toilets but that seemed to help and I thought I'd be fine for the next paper. Only, as soon as we got back into the exam room one of the teachers came in and told us we weren't allowed verb tables...I lost it then, couldn't stop crying and had to be taken out of the room for 15 minutes. Even though I was assured that I wouldn't get penalised for having the verb table with me, it took me a long time to calm down. I think the fact that the teachers kept asking me questions didn't help - I couldn't breathe properly, and I was finding it near impossible to speak, and it was frustrating me that I couldn't answer. (Do many people have this problem? People always seem to ask me questions when I'm crying, makes me wonder if it's unusual to have breathing difficulties. )

I'm so ashamed - I feel like a cheat. Even though at the time I honestly had no idea I was doing anything wrong, I still feel like a cheat. And now it seems really obvious that I shouldn't have had it with me...how could I be so %#@&#! stupid?

sounds like you had a bit of a panic attack rio. that can make you feel out of breath as can crying very hard. in that sense its 'normal'.
you didnt do anything wrong bringing the table in. it was just a mistake. before an exam sometimes we can get so focused on what we re learning and on the stress of it we dont even think about things like whether or not we can bring a particular book in. if you re not going to be penalised for having it please try to give yourself a break because it was an honest mistake.
i do understand your feelings though and would no doubt feel exactly the same way myself.
i hope you can accept that this was nothing more than a mistake anyone could make and you are not a cheat.
be gentle with yourself right now.
biiv

Rio,
it sounds like amore than honest mistake. I think that when you are crying it is harder to breath. I don't think pople think about that when they are trying to help. They want so badly to figure out what is wrong and try to help that they forget.

I am sorry that you had such a difficult day. I hope things turn around for you,

lemmkins

Oh, rio, I'm sorry.

It does sound like that brought on a panic for you. I've been there. It's miserable and very scary.

When my anxiety is really high, I can feel like I will be in "horrible" (unrealistically) trouble for something.

Again, I'm so sorry this happened and, except for the after effect, you're feeling some better. It's hard to remind self that it's going to be OK when feeling so much.

KD

rio, you made an honest mistake. you weren't trying to cheat.......i'm sorry that you have suffered so much anxiety from it......love, pat

{{{{{{{Rio}}}}}}}}}

Be good to yourself..........if you have any doubts ask before class starts. Panic attacks are a miserable, butt-kicking experience and I'm sorry this brought one on for you.

Take care,
Lori

((((((((((((Rio)))))))))) I'm so sorry. I am a major rule follower and I would have (and have) reacted similar. Like others said, it was an honest mistake. I'm so sorry for your distress. I hope you will be able to release the anxiety soon. Take gentle care of yourself.

((((rio)))) I'm sorry this happened. It couldn't have been as bad as you are feeling, though, because even the monitor didn't know for sure if they were allowed!!!

Did you flunk or just quit using the table, or did you get to retake the test?

TC

Hey Rio, what happened to you really could've happened to anyone... it is like everyone says, an honest mistake.

Maybe you feel this bad ver it because you are very insecure about yourself and need the validation of others? I ask because I usually feel that way... I want to role up in a little vall and die over things considered by others as "just a misunderstanding". I usually feel better when I go and talk to the involved person a day or two later after I hve clamed down and am able to copose myself. Maybe you could talk yo your teacher and say how bad you feel??? That you are afraid of being labeled as a cheat???

But I doubt that's how anyone sees it... and if you don't want to say anything, time will heal it... In a few weeks or months it might not be as bad?

(((((((((((((((((((Rio)))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that this happened. Maybe because you are a very concientious, honest person that is why you feel so badly. But you didn't know. And they didn't seem to be upset about it. You didn't cheat. Even they weren't sure if it wall all right or not so it was not an obvious mistake.

You must have been devastated and yolur reaction sounds like panic. I too can't breathe when I get like that.

These strong emotions and thoughts sometimes take a while to work through. Maybe you can just remind yourself that they did not think you a cheat and neither do so many here. Please take care and be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong.

((((((((((((( Rio ))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Panic is a terrible thing and it's even worse when you are trying to hold it together and can't breathe well.

I hope you feel better soon.

Hugs,

Jan

Thanks for replying, biiv. One of my teachers told me I was having a panic attack, too...which is a worrying thought, really, seeing as it's not the first time I've felt that way. Something very similar happened to me in my German speaking test - the fact that my words were being recorded made me panic.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
before an exam sometimes we can get so focused on what we re learning and on the stress of it we dont even think about things like whether or not we can bring a particular book in.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> That's true - I wasn't thinking at all, I hadn't even considered that it might not be allowed. I mean, people who have verb tables in their dictionaries are allowed those! You're just not allowed separate ones...I guess because they're bigger.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who would have reacted that way - I thought I was over-reacting really badly. I guess that's one of the reasons I haven't told anyone in real life. I'm going to try and bring it up in therapy tomorrow.

Thanks.

Thanks for replying, lemmkins. I don't think people think about it either - I know they mean well, and want to help, but for me it often makes me feel worse if people make a fuss when I'm crying - I hate making a scene.

Thanks. I guess it could have been worse - at least this didn't happen in the final exam! I seriously doubt I'll make the mistake of bringing my verb table into that one.

Thanks, kimmydawn.

Oh, great. Sorry you've had them too.

That's definitely what it was at first, but I got told pretty fast that I wouldn't get penalised...I'm not sure why it took me so long to recover. The teachers thought it was because I thought I'd fail the exam, but French is the only subject I took that I'm actually fairly confident about...I didn't even need that verb table, really, I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I'd realised that and left it at home.

Thanks again. I am starting to feel better - posting this here has definitely helped.

Thanks, fayerody. I'm relieved nobody thinks I was cheating, I was scared they would.

((((mssumom)))) Thanks. That's definitely something I'll do next time if I'm not sure, but like I told biiv I hadn't even considered that I might not be able to take it in with me. They are pretty horrible, you're right. Is there anything you can do to actually prevent them, or do you just have to sit them out?

(((((((wanttoheal))))))) Thanks. I'm a major rule follower, too - this sort of thing is completely out of character for me. Sorry you've had a similar experience. Thanks. I'm definitely feeling better than I was on Friday, which is something! And posting here is helping. I think I'm going to copy my original post to show my therapist.

((((Sky)))) Thanks. That's true! I just stopped using the table - I had a shorter version in my dictionary anyway, which for some reason is allowed.

Thanks, JustAPixie.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Maybe you feel this bad ver it because you are very insecure about yourself and need the validation of others? I ask because I usually feel that way... I want to role up in a little vall and die over things considered by others as "just a misunderstanding".

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> That sounds very likely - I don't exactly have much self-confidence. And I know about the "wanting to roll up into a little ball" feeling.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
if you don't want to say anything, time will heal it... In a few weeks or months it might not be as bad?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I don't think I will say anything. I hope you're right - certainly, it doesn't seem so bad today as it did on Friday.

(((((((bipolar_bear))))))) Thanks. Well, one of the teachers did point out that nobody had told me I could have it with me, implying that I should have known better, but you're right, they didn't seem too fussed.

I was devastated - I was convinced everyone would see me as a cheat. Sorry the breathing problems happens to you as well, it's no fun.

They're not as strong as they were, luckily. Thanks again!

((((((January)))))) Thanks. I am feeling better than I was - this thread has definitely helped.

I'm a bit late ((((((((((((((Rio))))))))))))))) but I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now.

Don't worry about it! (((((((Canders))))))) Thanks.