[Jenni855]

Does it fit a particular disorder? The scenario is someone repeatedly (Emphasis on word repeatedly) saying they will do things and then not bothering to do so. For example, they might say they have a book for you to borrow and never give it to you or they say they will phone up for a chat and never bother to do so.

[Perna]

Does not sound like a disorder at all, just sounds like the person is lazy, fooling themselves into thinking they are a helpful, caring individual without following through with more than just talk. As the saying goes, I wouldn't "hold your breath" waiting for them to give you the book or call you If you like them anyway, I'd call them for a chat, go to their house and get the book, etc. only way you can get what you want.

[Jenni855]

Should I tell them that I don't appreciate being made promises only to have them never followed through?

[wackywidow]

That would be a beginning point.

[ifst5]

Presumably you already have a rough idea or how would you know to compare this behaviour to those whose personalities are disordered?

[sabby]

Maybe this person has a bad memory?

I have been guilty of the same thing. Telling someone I would do or give them something and I honestly and truly forget about it. I feel horrible when it happens as I don't mean to be forgetful. I do appreciate it though if someone gently reminds me and I will do my best to follow through with it.

Sometimes life is so busy we tend to forget. And sometimes we have physical/medical issues that interfere with our memories. I think it's always good to try to keep an open mind about such things.

[Jenni855]

Believe me though when I say it happens ALL the time which is why I see it strange. It isn't just being forgetful here and there, it is a constant thing.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Jenni855

Believe me though when I say it happens ALL the time which is why I see it strange. It isn't just being forgetful here and there, it is a constant thing.

It is possible for one to have ongoing issues with that hell if it only happened here and there not sure it would even qualify as a legit issue with short term memory...I am also quite forgetful and could easily see myself saying I'll do something and totally spacing it out, or I say I'll help someone with something or perhaps I borrow a little money so I have to pay back and I legitimately forget...or if I am sharing a cigarette with someone and forget to pass it to them....but don't mind being reminded and I feel bad when I forget something or end up unable to follow through.

Best thing to do though is maybe bring it up with this person, let them know you are getting bothered by them saying the'll do this or that and not following through but be civil and be willing to hear their side if it is memory problems you're probably just going to have to accept that and keep it in mind rather then assuming they didn't because they don't care or something....also sometimes people can end up getting too much going on like thinking they can do this and that, but have sort of over-estimated their abilities or forgot other responsibilities that are more urgent that then have to be taken care of first.

Also though some people are flaky, they make one plan....then make a different plan, hard to get ahold of them and even organize something ahead of time....my sister is like that, but I don't think its really something she can help or intends. Either way don't think this would relate to a Personality Disorder, it would either have to do with short term memory problems which can have different causes....or they are being lazy, or just blowing you off.

The only "disorder" that comes to mind is maybe the person tends to be passive-aggressive. It's possible the person says s/he will do something because s/he thinks that's what you want to hear, when in reality s/he doesn't really want to do the thing promised, so "forgets".

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Sister Rags

The only "disorder" that comes to mind is maybe the person tends to be passive-aggressive. It's possible the person says s/he will do something because s/he thinks that's what you want to hear, when in reality s/he doesn't really want to do the thing promised, so "forgets".

I thought passive aggressive is when you try to make someone feel bad/insulted or something, like with exaggerated body language and sort of subtle things. Not to mention that is not a disorder, it is a behavior anyone is capable of.

So they only way I could see it as being that would be like, if they are trying to 'hint' they have a problem with the person by saying they will do things and not following through....but seems like there would be easier ways to hint at that message.

[avlady]

i agree with sabby

[Jenni855]

Yes I mean, if it happened every now and then it wouldn't bother me but it is all the time. I am leaning more towards the fact she just fobs me off and doesn't really care to be honest.

(mistakenly posted)

Originally Posted by Hellion

I thought passive aggressive is when you try to make someone feel bad/insulted or something, like with exaggerated body language and sort of subtle things. Not to mention that is not a disorder, it is a behavior anyone is capable of.

So they only way I could see it as being that would be like, if they are trying to 'hint' they have a problem with the person by saying they will do things and not following through....but seems like there would be easier ways to hint at that message.

Hi Hellion, This is an excellent explanation of passive-aggressive behavior. I located it on a psych website.

Passive aggressive is about being passive, appearing to be "ok" with things, and saying "yes." The passive aggressive will say "yes" to requests even if they don't want to do them. They don't have the strength to stand up for themselves and just say no assertively.

So a passive aggressive is someone who just gets pushed about throughout life simply because they can't say no. They tend to feel there are a lot of demands placed upon them at any given time. Since they can't say "no," instead they resist very subtly, which causes problems.

To use slightly different words, a passive aggressive appears to accept most requests made of them, but inside may dislike those requests, and will fight against them subtly. They lack the strength, self-worth, and confidence to openly refuse or object. Passive aggressive people appear to accept a situation - or pretty much anything - when underneath the are uncomfortable with the idea so they fight against it subtly.

Passive aggressive is:

A defense mechanism that allows people who aren't comfortable being openly aggressive get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them.

Here's another great definition

Indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing the feelings. There's a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does. For a passive-aggressive person, true feelings are shared through actions, not words.

Passive aggressives use tools to achieve their objectives : masked feelings, feigned ignorance, avoidance, feigned forgetfulness, subtle sabotage, procrastination, and flaking.

Actually, there is a pattern of behavior called "Passive-aggressive personality disorder."

[Notoriousglo]

This isn't necessarily a disorder. It could be they procrastinate & then forget. If it's really affecting you, maybe you could stop relying on them. It's important not to try to diagnose people.

[Jenni855]

I am not diagnosing as such, just curious as never seen this level of behavior in a person to the extent I have her.
Sister-That article is very interesting.

[Lauliza]

I don't think this one behavior is indicative of any disorder but rather a person who is very insincere. They say or offer something in the moment because it seems right, but they don't really mean it. I wouldn't say anything to her since I doubt it would be productive - she would probably just get defensive. I would just consider her an unreliable person and not have any expectations when she offers or promises something.

I agree with lauliza. Regardless of the reason, the end result is inconsiderate, selfish, and rude. And very self-centered.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Sister Rags

Hi Hellion, This is an excellent explanation of passive-aggressive behavior. I located it on a psych website.

Actually, there is a pattern of behavior called "Passive-aggressive personality disorder."

Oh ****!

I sometimes agree to stuff I don't really want to do, but typically do not try to express that at all...couldn't say if it never gets out or not. But much of the time its over being overwhelmed or whatever and feeling guilty about not being up for something so I try to 'fake it' you could say. Got bullied a lot, have trouble with assertiveness, have no self confidence, self worth...guess some strength if I am still here...

However I actually do care about other people, much of the time more than me not really just acting like that to get what I want though yeah considering I have needs I have to have met and sometimes have trouble expressing stuff verbally(I also have aspergers syndrome making socialization difficult) like if I need to go to sleep I might have impatient body language to be left alone to do that for instance...of course I prefer others to like me or at least to avoid conflict even with people who don't like me per say, since I got plenty of exposure to that as a kid. But its not like wanting my way but screw everyone else sort of thinking half the time I am confused as to what 'my way' would even consist of much of the time either way life drains my will to live... anyways does that 'my way or screw you' sort of thing have to be the thought process behind it for it to be considered passive agressive?

I procrastinate and avoid things, but due to executive dysfunction and anxiety...actually am forgetful as much as anyone might think I can just control that I guess I have used that a couple times when it wasn't the case like to avoid conflict or afraid of being criticized for the real reason but most times if I forget I actually did forget....I do share real feelings with words, as best I can though yeah it can be difficult though and I don't like to be upset in front of people so I try and mask that.

So I suppose I wonder....if people can come off that way without actually fitting the criteria, or if what I just posted is a more realistic perspective of what actually goes on in the mind of someone described that way....meh

Either way I don't recall learning about that being a PD when I took abnormal psychology, thought it was more of a symptom of various disorders but it was a while ago so I may not remember hearing of that particular one...That describes me a lot unfortunately except for what it implies actually is going on in the mind of the person exhibiting said behavior. I already have diagnoses of Aspergers, reoccurring major depression, anxiety and PTSD also at my hearing for SSI I found out through a medical expert my attorney had testify its documented I have traits of Avoident PD(not that I was too surprised about that, but could more be about the anxiety).

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Sister Rags

I agree with lauliza. Regardless of the reason, the end result is inconsiderate, selfish, and rude. And very self-centered.

I also think everyone does have their flaws...sometimes you have to decide if that one flaw is enough to trash the whole friendship/relationship/acquaintanceship or whatever it is.

For sure, Hellion...we each have to decide which relationships work for us and which don't. By the way, I think passive-aggressive behavior is very, very common.

[Jenni855]

I think you have summed it up Sister Raqs- Thank you. Things are clearer in my head now.

[leeann66]

Originally Posted by Jenni855

Should I tell them that I don't appreciate being made promises only to have them never followed through?

Sounds like someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Sister Rags

For sure, Hellion...we each have to decide which relationships work for us and which don't. By the way, I think passive-aggressive behavior is very, very common.

It could be, but not so sure its exactly intentional in a lot of cases, or if maybe other things can get confused with it. For instance it is possible for others to take your unsaid actions/body language wrong when you mean nothing by it.

[Jenni855]

I think there is a possibility Leeann