So sick of hearing it!!

Who else have been told 'stop feeling sorry for yourself' recently when you are absolutely not. I'm going through a really rough time with work from two companies and I've basically been fired. I'm a single mum at 26 and my son has just been diagnosed with Autism, he's 5. I'm trying to get benefits or any help from the government but to no avail I am totally lost, stressed out and sick with worry then my one best friend tells me to stop feeling sorry for my self then my T says it too!! What the hell. If they knew me well enough I carry enough self-hate and worthlessness to even feel sorry for myself!! I'm at my wits end I'm so sick of it if my T says it again I'm walking out the session!!!!! I don't feel sorry for my self I feel depressed and worried!!!

I know it's hard when no one understands. I have been there, and people around me have told me the same thing. I think it's normal to feel overwhelmed in your situation. I hope things get better for you soon.

It sounds like both your friend and your T are not very understanding. Maybe your T is not really a good fit for you? If she only adds to your stress and pain then maybe it's worth looking into finding someone better. After all, "stop feeling sorry for yourself" is one of the WORST things a person can say to someone who is depressed and worried, and if your T said it then maybe she's not exactly cut out for working with depressed people! Just my opinion. Anyway, I am sorry you've had to go through this on top of all your other stresses and worries. You're clearly in an overwhelming situation, and for two people that close to you to say that is insensitive. I also think it's worth telling your friend how her remark made you feel, because it sounds like she doesn't really understand the kind of stress you are in right now. However, if she's not really the kind of person you can openly talk to (and the fact that she'd say such a thing to you can only lead me to think she's not) then I understand. I've also had people make this remark to me on more than one occasion, and it's INFURIATING. Like you, I'm just really sick of hearing it! Is there maybe anyone else in your life you could talk to who would be more supportive than your friend and your T?

"Don't feel sorry for yourself" usually translates into "I do not care about you and I don't want to hear about your life".

Im wondering if their definition of feeling sorry for yourself is different than what you mean it to be. I used to get so upset when someone would tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something about my problem. but then one day I asked the person who said it to me what they mean..

turned out their definition of feeling sorry for myself was constantly worrying, constantly telling people how worried I was but their not seeing any improvement /actions I was taking, feeling like I was worthless, hating myself, saying things like man Im a piece of crap for this happening or I should have done this or that... basically getting down on myself, self judging myself and the situation.

when they explained that meaning of feeling sorry for one self I discovered they were right. That day instead of ruminating/worrying and showing people how helpless I appeared to be, instead of hating /judging myself and what lead up to the situation I was in, instead of constantly showing people how helpless I seemed to be, I sat down and made what I called a proactive list....A list of positive actions I could take and how to follow up on those goals. A list of positive statements about myself and the situation I was in so that I could post it on the fridge and look at it when ever I started to get down on myself and the situation. One of the items on my list of positives was a list of great people in this world that had been fired, did you know even greats like Oprah Winfrey, Ellen Degeneres, many other actors, singers, comedians, people who have contributed to what kind of world we live in have been fired more than once. After that I took the attitude of so what I got fired, Im in the company of great people. Then I looked in the mirror and found many things I like about me, my eyes, my will to help others, that beautiful necklace someone I cared about gave to me that I always wore like an extension of me...

then I started looking for another job that turned out to be the best fitting job for me. in the mean time I lived on disability and getting on it was a bit of a challenge. I filled out that paperwork and every day I made follow up calls to find out the status of my case and what if anything they needed more information about. I lived on a strict budget while waiting....eventually with all my changing things from the negative to the positives people stopped seeing me as wallowing in my demise and stopped telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself. and eventually all the pieces of my life fell back together...

my point is yea its horrible having someone keep telling you to stop feeling sorry for yourself. but maybe theirs something that they are seeing that you at the moment dont. wishing for people to stop saying this isnt going to make them stop. whats going to make them stop saying it is finding out why they keep saying and changing those things to the more positive.

my suggestion, next time someone says that to you ask them what they mean, ask them why they say that. it could be quite enlightening on the situation like it was for me.

I think that is an unfair comparison Amandalouise. The OP pretty much was just thrown into a new situation with an unknown outcome. She is allowed to process it. She HAS been proactive in trying to get help for her kid. She isn't tormenting her surroundings by going on about this worry for ten years, it is new! Also she is not telling everybody about it. If she is in a new and worrisome situation that seems open ended, the therapist should really NOT say a thing like Don't feel sorry for yourself. The therapist is paid to have some darn patience! Should be supportive and encouraging. And help process all the new thoughts.

IMHO.

Unfortunately it's when people become sick that those around them show their true colours - i would focus on finding supportive people who can be honest yet sympathetic to your situation and definitely find a more professional T; professionals like that should be reported as they do a lot of harm. For now i wouldn't discuss anything in detail relating to your health or circumstances with those who can't understand; if only because it's a waste of time and you need to protect yourself from further annoyance and disappointment. Are there some social groups you can join here? Even online support is better than nothing. All the best.

If a therapist said that to me, they might have a chair through their book-shelf or something of that nature take place.

That said its understandable you'd feel depressed and worried dealing with all that stress, not really 'feeling sorry for yourself'. Sorry the people who are supposed to be supportive aren't being that way.

This was basically where my thoughts were headed...

I also aree with what has been said earlier. As a therapist it's expected that she be reasonably and emotionally supportive. Instead of saying something like that a better way to handle it would have been to offer emotional support then later some ideas of how to move forward when the OP shows she's ready. Obviously something like that can't be forced and saying something so harsh is far from helpful. Since she is a therapist after all you would think she would have enough experience to know that...too many get away with things like this...

As for the friend some people simply aren't understanding enough of certain things. Not to excuse her; most only show full understanding when they've already experienced them.

serenity2298