Help, please help.

I have just given 4 months to a therapist to work on issues of sexual abuse from my mother and a therapist as a teenager, and only recieved another experience of anger.
I was recently given a book " The Road Less Traveled" by Dr. Peck to read about transferrance mapping and see a paralell between spiritual and emotional growth. But about half way through 318 pages of text there was a paragraph given to client therapist sexual relations. In it Dr. Peck states his dedication to his clients by saying that if he ever had a client who would benefit from a sexual relation he would ceratinly have her.
What a damned trigger!
Now when I want ot examine my personal history including sexual encounters the therapist refuses ot provide any personal level of experience to gauge myself by. All I have is a Preacher who states premarital sex is an abomination and his personal sucdess stands as testiment to his integrity. Or the Oprah Winfrey show that states the American average is to have sex with 14 different individuals over the course of their life.
Is there any way I can gauge this in a SAFE theraputic setting?
I give up. I want to give completly up, and am caught in this spiral and cannot get free.
Someone, Please Help.
I will consider providing my e-mail address if someone is willing to help me, if it could be more direct.
Tom S. in Tn.

Hi homealone.

If you have been sexualy abused, you need more than Dr. Peck's book.

As for Oprah's statistic, it's completely nonsense to me.

Even in "Old Europe", no men nor women have had an average of 14 intimate relations in their lives.

It's simply done to boost emphasis on sex, that's all...

So don't take it too seriously, ok ?

Take care,

Starbuck

Born in 1963 of French mom and Canadian dad. Studied a lot (Majors in History, Theology, M.A. in Sociology).

Quoting Ozzie: "I also think that it isn't important how you compare to others, but whether you are comfortable with you."

I also think that you have misunderstood what you've heard and read. I'm still of the opinion that you are stuck in the "victim role." More than anything else, that's what you need to work on.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

I have never been allowed to even becoem a victim. That would require someone else to believe you were victim'ized'.
And that has not happened yet.
I am in agreement about those statistics, and even with them how can you believe them anyway, even if they were provided by a counselor. But sexual abuse counsleing like any other form be it chemical dependancy, family counsleing, or whatever, there has to be a practicle level of exchange between the client and the facilitator, regardless of extent of eithers education or any other factor, that must take place before recovery can occur. The victim must be allowed an opportunity to become grounded. Hence a substance abuse counselor will not be effective as someone who has had sexual trauma would be for counseling sexual abuse. And a GP won't hack it all in the arena of severe sexual abuse. The client and therapist MUST have common ground on which to openly share experiences to allow client grounding. I can no longer take the looking down on me as I come seeking help from rape. Period. An open sharing is also a must and as a male who was coerced and ultimatly raped as a result of misguided therapy when I was 16, it becoems even more difficult, but there MUST be someone somewhere. At least who will evaluate and plan for OCPD that came out of all the theraputic frustrations.

Now about OCPD.....anybody able to address that here. I really think it applies.
Tom S.

You should never imply I cannot understand.

This is a start.

Sincerely,

Starbuck

Born in 1963 of French mom and Canadian dad. Studied a lot (Majors in History, Theology, M.A. in Sociology).

Hi Home alone. Trust for you with a therapist must be extremely difficult. Because you have been violated by a therapist it is even more important that they keep the boundaries very clear. I've been in recovery for a very long time. My take on therapy is that it is not a place to do equal sharing with my therapist. Perhaps a group setting would be more appropriate. In my work in therapy the process has been largely my discussing my experiences and how they've effected my life. The therapists job is to guide me through the process and to teach me how to resolve the things of the past and give me tools to deal with today. I have asked "Is this normal?" questions. My therapist can tell me what is appropriate without giving me her personal experinces. Good luck to you. Annie

Thank you, Annie. I have just ahd an un-naturaly difficult time being heard. I was molested back in 1957, raped by a counselor in 1973 trying to find out why I could not have friends, and was never allowed to think I could ever carry that type of issue back into a counselors office safetly until 1998. And as a minority here, I have had to endure more than my share of ridicule and being grouped in with the offenders group, while I see the other gender bieng handled gently with sympathy and respect. See my last posting about 3 weeks ago.
Needless to say discrimination is more than a little concern with me. And when I am confronted with something that can not be easily explained, well let's just say I am ready to seek legal counsel. I have had the diagnosis Obsessive Compulsive PERSONALITY D/O added to my eval sheet this week.
Thank you very much for your commentary, Annie. It appears you have a little wisdom in this area, because I had to have a special meeting with my therapist today, a Saturday along with my wife. She stated exactly what you just wrote, and I am to join a support group May 3. I think I should start simply asking," Is thsi normal." Tom S.

>>I have never been allowed to even becoem a victim. That would require someone else to believe you were victim'ized'.

I don't think she meant victim in the societal sense, but rather in the emotional sense. In fact I think being the victim of abuse or a crime and having no one understand or believe would make someone even more prone to a victim mindset, because then they are not only a victim of the original crime, but then also victim of the disrespect of peers and/or professionals. People who feel like perpetual victims often generate the same type of negativity in their minds as depressed people do. Some of them start to seek trouble or find offense everywhere because it becomes the only way they know to relate to life and living.

Obviously that is not a constructive coping mechanism, it wears down the person and keeps them from seeking real help. I don't know if any of that applies to you to any degree... but given your history, it might be a possibliity to consider. And yes it must be terrible to have gone what you have gone through and then to have it compounded by the reaction from the people who might have otherwise helped, and i'm not saying that any of that isn't 100% real as a part of your experience. I don't know anyone who wouldn't build up anger and resentment over that. The question, whether any of this is relevant to you or not, is where do you go from here? Do you continue to seek solutions or create your own solutions where none currently exist, or do you just let the anger eat you alive?

I also agree very much that it would be highly inappropriate for a counselor to relate any of their personal experiences in a session. I think they should be judged on whether they are helping you or not. Whether that help comes from personal experience or just experience and understanding of the human condition doesn't matter. If they are not helping you it does not matter whether they have personal experience or not.

Your resentment over your inability to find someone who can help, and your anger over further abuse by someone who was supposed to help, is reasonable and justified IMO. And it must make it very difficult to go on looking for help. But I sincerely hope you can find the strength to continue to seek help at your own pace and I hope you can find someone who can eventually help you.

With regard to wanting to know if you are "normal" or not, if you feel you are not having that satisfactorily address by your doctor, have you tried getting into a group therapy situation, finding a more generalized support group that you can attend, or starting a local support group. I felt great benefit in my group therapy sessions for that very reason. I can address issues more deeply with my personal T and pdoc, but group therapy gave me not only a sense of sharing but also a chance to see how others were dealing with life and similar issues and general life issues.

I hope you can find some comfort in venting your frustrations here, or if not here, in some appropriate forum. I believe venting is good but it must also be accompanied with seeking constructive help. I hope you have been able to find some help and that you will continue to look in the future. Good luck to you.

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--http://www.idexter.com

Hi Tom. I'm so glad you're going to get to try something new. I've worked in group settings and at times it was very hard, but I always learned alot. I really hope it helps. I hope that you will be met with understanding, acceptance and caring. It's pretty neat you have the support of your wife too!
I also know what it feels like to not be heard. It puts me right back into that place when I was little and trying to get someone to help me and it seemed I was invisable. It's not a good feeling. I'm an artist and one thing I did was to paint huge paintings, anywhere from 31/2' X 4' to 6 1/2' X 4 1/2'. I would paint vibrant paintings about the abuse. It was like screaming. It was great, so healing! I also wrote in journals everything I was feeling, my anger and frustrations. That also helped alot.
As far as people saying you're being a victim, I always found that to be painful. It felt like I was being judged. Looking back, I realize that that was not their motive, but it hurt. When you're able to think and act differently, you will. You're working really hard to get the help you need. I hope you can see that and feel good about the fact that you are doing what you can to get better. Take good care! Annie