a observer of life rather than a participant

For the past two years I’ve become a observer of life rather than a participant. It’s not like I wasn’t before, but now it’s become very apparent. I don’t have a social life and love life. I still live with my family, even though I’m in university. But over the years I’ve become very distant with them. I can small talk and keep shallow relations with my family(nuclear and extended), but I’m not very close with most of them. Five years ago this was my biggest nightmare, to end up like this. Back then was my rock bottom. I was depressed , because I thought that I would end up alone for the rest of my life. My social anxiety was at the highest point.At one point I thought that maybe I should quit high school. But now I don’t feel anything. I’m not getting depressed as much as I used to. I sleep ok, I’m not losing weight, I can keep my concentration better than could when I was in middle school. I don’t feel anxious when I’m walking in a crowd, when someone talks to me etc. In fact now I feel anxious only when I have to speak with authority figures, like proffesors. I’ve realized that I’ve become metaphorically speaking invisible. The thing that I don’t understand is how calm I am. I gave up on my hopes and dreams. I literally have no idea what’s important to me anymore. I don’t know what keeps me going. I guess now my problem is that I would rather daydream and fantasize than live my life. And the fuel for my fantasies are either real situations I’ve observed or characters from books or movies. I don’t have the imagination to create my own fantasy worlds. When I get bored and can’t get new material for my fantasies, that’s when I get depressed. Every now and then , reality strikes me that I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. Then I think that I should change and make an effort. But when I do try, I realize that these past 10 years I’ve alienated myself from my peers and don’t have the same perspective on life. I think that maybe I could find the strenght to try harder to make social connections with people if I let go of living inside my head. I just don't know how.

Hello shygirl2101, you've done really well with your social anxiety, good job! It does sound though that your depression is worse which has made you lose that lust for life. It would be a good idea to talk things through with your doctor and try some medications and psychotherapy can really help.

It is no bad thing being an observer of life, but in our culture it is not highly valued quality. In fact observation (and listening) and indeed the introversion that is behind being an observer/listener are much more valuable than most realise. But if it makes you uncomfortable or unfulfilled you might wish to seek professional help to see your qualities in the more positive light I am pretty sure they should be seen in.

I'm not currently seeing any mental health professionals. I've been planing to go back to therapy, ever since I left because of economical reasons. I was hoping that I would have enough money with the scholarship I got, but I think I'll have to get a summer job. The only problem is I live in a country that has very high unemployment rate.

Introverts are the odd ones where I live also. I've read that in some cultures introversion is more accepted as a personality trait, but I haven't got the finances to travel and to see how it is to live in that kind of environment.

Same, i also think i'm observer too. I don't socialize that much with actual people. More like i simply don't want to get involved with them rather than feeling anxious. For me, having to interact with them is troublesome and only waste of time. I have better online "social" life than the real life one. Because my brain doesn't recognize people as "human" in online or virtual world.

As much as you don't want to hear it, it sounds like you're in a comfort zone. You're comfortable with where you are now and don't want to change anything but at the same time you have a lot of underlying stress and anxiety about your future and social life. There's nothing wrong with your position in life right now as long as you're happy but if you want to change do something way outside of your comfort zone to break the cycle. For example find a random club in your university and join it. Eventually you might find your passion or drive and find yourself. Have you ever thought about trying to manifest and channel some of your fantasies or imaginations into the real world? It could provide a bridge of some sort, idk just a thought.

i am like you too. i basically have little contact with brothers and sisters, i talk to my mom everyday on phone have few friends and live in my own little world on a dead end street literally. i have a pshyciatrist and t, am afraid to go outside because of seizures, but i've come to accept my comfort zone for now. no one says you have to leave a comfort zone but it probably would do you some good since you seem to have alot to give and you're young.i only wish i was like you too, you're so lucky to not have too much anxiety and about authority figures, most of us react the same way.i hope you can maybe see a doc and t to for advice and comfort.

Very much the same. I go to work, sit there all day & do my work and go home.

Avoid going to anywhere for any reason, suspect I've developed agoraphobia. Wont even go out and work in the yard. I should be seeing my T but I need to find one that better understands a BP.

I'm with you that I need to make more social connections but for me its just not that important.

Your young and need to go see and experience life. See your T and P Doc and go see the world with your friends and SO. It's so much more awesome that the 4 walls of home.

At least we have a song about us. "Desperado" by the Eagles.

I'm aware that I'm in my comfort zone. But I forgot to write in my post, which factors contributed for me to not try break out of it. For instance, I'm with a mixed nationality. And when I was little, I wasn't accepted from my peers because of that. As I grew up, I met more people that weren't so judgemental. But that still left a problem for me, because I don't identify as either of my parents ethnicities. I didn't accept either of their cultures fully. Another factor would be that I live in a post-socialistic society. With the change of the socio-economical system, some people became millionnaires over night and their children became arrogant. I've been bullied by some of them, because my parents were from the working class. During high school I've noticed that people generally are friends with people they know are from their social class.
Third factor would be how the educational system in my country works. In Elementary School and High School there is no possibility to choose any of the subjects ,all of them are mandatory. So once you’ve choose and got admitted to one of the different type of High Schools, you’ve made your choice about all you’re going to learn for the next four years. What’s important about this is most people in my surrounding have known their friends since Elementary, continued to go to the same High School and even though they don’t go to same college they stay in the same town just so they can hang out. I find it very ironic when I hear some of my relatives comments about how outgoing someone from my peers is, when I know that person has had the same friends for years. And generally people live in the same town they were born till the end of their lives. So they stick with same people they’ve known whole their lives. Also the higher education is structuralized completely different. Once you choose what degree you want to achieve (eg. Law, medicine, pharmacy etc.) you can’t change you’re mind. I mean you could but you’d have to start all over again at another college. And again you’re with same people for four years. And there aren’t any college campuses. Neither where I live or in the capital city. So the college I go to, only has an auditorium, classrooms, lecture halls, administrative offices, faculty offices, bookstore and library. There aren’t any buildings used for non-educational purposes. Nothing’s free. There are no clubs I can join, gym I can sign up etc. The few things that are organized by the university, if you want to them, all depend whether you’re popular. So from what I’ve observed I live in a very closed up environment with not many opportunities to break out of the cycle.
Must be because you’re Schizoid. Schizoids(mostly) are the only loners that don’t want to change that about themselves. Although it’s very particular that you can communicate better online.

avlady and WHWT, all I can I'm sending virtual hugs to the both of you. Hope therapy works out for both of you guys. And I liked the song WHWT.