fear, self esteem, transformation festivals, being something, and other thoughts

While I'm out for a long walk i can talk the time to think about things a little.
Today I thought about festivals culture like Burning Man. I have quite an interest to experience this lifestyle and I asked myself why. On the other hand, with many things that I want to experience, I know I would go there and do the same old thing of being afraid to engage and interact.
Why do I want to go to these things. Maybe because I see them as freeing. I'm wound so tight and so afraid of engaging and what I see of these show people being free and being themselves and living joyously. I'm not exactly the joyous type and I'm 48 and 285lbs and a far cry from the young lithe people that they often show at these things and I think that's part of the attraction as well because I feel I missed a lot of life and now I'm too old and fat to change. I'd just like to relax and sit back and not worry about things for once. I went to the NYC Climate March and was surrounded by thousands of people and had no interaction with anyone. I once rode my motorcycle to a rat rod gathering/bike store grand opening and was afraid to interact with anyone. In fact, that's one reason I got a motorcycle - to be something - to be part of something - to find an identity maybe. I went to a local autocross event because I like that and really did not interact with anyone except this one woman who had my absolute favorite car that you don't see too often and after talking to her, I did my usual thing of feeling stupid for my interactions and perseverating over them and basically feeling inadequate. I go to car shows in my old vette and don't interact with anyone at those either except occasionally some really odd people - people that really society would consider "off". I had a conversation with a guy who comes with an RV full of junk for the flea market but then when I was leaving, did not feel adequate enough to swing by and say goodbye. I go to the gym and don't interact with anyone there either. Someone might actually get the impression that I have a life - I have/had a motorcycle, have a classic car, go to the gym and these things help but its a struggle to do these things - I never really rode the motorcycles for pleasure - I was too afraid to leave the house and family for too long - even if no one was home - what if someone needed me. I plan on going to car shows and then talk myself out of it and tell myself its a waste of time and that its stupid. I force myself to go to the gym and go for walks but even some weeks, its really hard to - and I enjoy these things. I want to go hiking but never manage to get out to do that. All these things I want to do, art, outdoors, learning, exploring. What do I really do? I work (and I work from home so have little interaction with actual people). Work takes precedence over all else. I work at a job I hate but that I've built a long successful career around and certain choices led me down path that has me locked into something I find no value in and find no value in myself for being able to do it well - mostly because its centered about pleasing people and avoiding conflict which is my MO to the extent that I've lost myself and I know that I should not be like that to the extent that I am. I guess I'm just looking for an identity because I don't know that I have one or don't like the one I have. That's one of the points of a Transformation Festival type of thing that I would hope would change me somehow but I know deep down that I would revert to my previous behaviors of not engaging and being afraid and I'd hate myself even more for that. And if I'm being honest with myself, with many things, there's always a hope that I'd make a connection to someone special but I know that I have to stop doing that and find a connection with myself first. Some might read some of my other posts here and see that I'm married and wonder why I'd be looking for a connection to someone else. You could read through the various old posts but we've done the therapy thing (well, I have mostly - she refused to go back) and the whole things ends up being one-sided and manipulative with me doing whatever I can to smooth things over and ensuring that she has what she needs. But I'm not going to whine about that. I've made my bed and I try to do the best I can and still try to move the relationship to a more positive place for both of us. I've never been good at relationships. Remember, I'm 48. I had one girlfriend for 3 years in high school until senior year and then screwed up a few short term relationships after being dumped with girls who were apparently waiting for that to end. Never had sex - some fooling around. Then I went away to college. 2nd Semester met who would become my wife and let me tell you, there were warning signs right from the start that should have sent me running but I needed to attach myself to someone fearing that I could not get anyone else. Had lots of sex. She's someone who loves sex and needs it and I had spent years trying to get sex so it worked out great for awhile. Then there was a brief affair with my married boss early on in my relationship with my girlfriend and eventual wife. So that's it. In 35 years 2 serious girlfriends, sex with 2 people, and a few relationships that should have taken the place of the toxic long term relationships but failed because of them - never got off the ground really. So when I say I'm looking for a connection, much it has to do with not experiencing much and being too afraid to. I really am an idiot. I know I have to stop measuring my worth by having someone like and appreciate me. I am the one that has to like and appreciate me. When I like and appreciate me, then I will be better able to develop a constructive relationship with someone who likes and appreciates themselves as well. I really don't do well at this sort of thing. Why do I even care? As I said to my therapist once, is my happiness really all that important? Really? I should just learn to appreciate what I have but the problem is that I've learned things from therapy that show that what I have may not necessarily be be something that someone learns to appreciate. Maybe i just need to give up and just accept what I am and what I have even though what I am leads to unhappiness and some of what i have leads to unhappiness and makes me feel worse about myself. At what point do you say, "enough trying to change to be 'better', its all relative, be happy with what you have. if someone is punched in the face every day, is it a choice to be happy about that anyway? I need balance is what is clear. I need to stop being afraid and I need to find something that makes me feel good about myself that is me - not something that is external to me. Going back to the original topic of festivals and why I find them appealing is that I need to find a way to be free, to free my mind from fear, to embrace what is around me rather than hiding from it. I feel that I am nothing and am part of nothing. I want to stop feeling like that. I'm afraid to leave my house most of the time (although I find other excuses to avoid calling it being afraid). I'm afraid to engage and make a connection with anyone. I'm afraid to do much of anything besides work. I'm afraid of what people think of me. I'm afraid that I will displease people or not be perfect or somehow be found to be inadequate. These fears have beaten me down. What's funny is that I also fear what people will say about me here. I'm a man, I need to stop whining and do something. Just change then if its so important to you. You are jerk for not loving your wife (which I think many people are here are pre-disposed to giving the women the benefit of the doubt in a relationship and blaming everything on the man). The thing is, I know that I will never be brave enough to go to one of those things. One thing I need to say or remind myself of is that I'm pretty far from being some wimpy whining guy. I'm big (well, a bit too big), I'm smart (I'd like to think - or at least I was once upon a time), I'm strong (for others), I can do almost anything that I set my mind to (once I get past fear). I cook, clean, repair, work, and I'm often the person that people come to for whatever - I'm always there for people (part of being a people pleaser).

and I'll be afraid to come back here and see what people have to say...

I hope you do come back to check. I'd hate to think that I read all that and replied for no reason.

Alot of what you say is stuff I suffer with, too. Except I'm a single woman, with no financial stability. I do have a car that I love, though it's not a classic and definitely not a 'Vette. I tend to give in alot. Don't want to be a bother. Don't stand up for myself.

Also am intrigued by the Burning Man Festival. Know that, in reality, it's unlikely that I'll ever go. Too clumsy for a motorcycle.

You sound so sad. I know you said that marriage counseling hasn't helped. Are you in therapy for yourself? I hope so. A therapist can help you sort through these feelings and maybe help you make changes or learn to cope with your decisions.

I hope you find peace.

well 3 years later and I came back to see what others had to say. I think was I wrote in one monolithic block but have been too daunting for most people. thank you jaynedough for taking the time.
At the time, I believe I was still in therapy but one day I mentioned to my therapist that I did not want to be in therapy forever so she said, "great, let's plan on transitioning you out over the next month or so" and I agreed but then I went in the next week and she said I was done and that I should have tools to go on. I did not understand and still don't really - I feel that she kicked me out - and of course with me being me did not question this or tell her how I felt - but after 2 years she should have known me enough.
That's water under the bridge though.
What I had to say 2 years ago is still largely true except I have made some improvements.
1) I've started to get involved in tech meetups that I attend but of course I don't interact with anyone.
2) I've enrolled in a college that is focused on adult learning and have just started to take classes there.
3) I have managed to get out hiking a little lately which makes me happy.

I still watch youtube videos of burning man but I still know it will never happen.

my problems of fear and basing everything I do on my thoughts that it will make others think positively of me continues. even though I know that's not true - its not what others think of me, its what I think of me and even though most people that I know would think positively of me, because I don't, I believe that I have to do things that make me like myself.