[Brianna_88]

Hi! I'm new here I don't want to get deep into my past circumstances quite yet, but there's something that's been really bugging me and I thought I might get some insight here at least.

I'm in my late 20's now, but I am seriously craving all things childish/tween. I've been starting to read kid's books (right now I'm pretty into American Girl books). I love going to toy stores and have gotten a few stuffed animals and new clothes for one of my old dolls. I'm kind of thin, and I can fit into clothing from the girl's section, and so have been shopping there a little more frequently.

I don't know how to fully explain it. I'm just really obsessed with being younger again. It's been going on for a while. I try to keep it in check. I don't want to go overboard. But inside, I almost feel jealous of kids. I see girls riding bikes in the neighborhood, shopping, whatever, and feel so much yearning to go back to that kind of life. I want girl talk and sleepovers and innocence. It's totally not like a creepy paedophilia kind of thing!! I want to make that clear. It's just like I have a strong feeling that I want to be one of the girls again. I want to be that age and get to do all of those things. I want to have to worry about homework, and soccer practice, and making friendship bracelets for my best fried. I take walks in the evening and see all these great families having dinner together or hanging out in their yards, etc. and just SO want that. You know?

I don't know. It's weird. I'm having a super hard time growing up and feeling like an adult. I have a lot of stress and responsibility in my life, and I am completely responsible and adult-like most of the time, but I feel like that's not the real me. I'm playing a role then.

I almost feel like I have two different people inside of me...one that lives in the real word and is pretty adult and well adjusted, and then the younger girl who feels like she's not getting enough time to be herself. I don't know if that makes sense at all, haha. I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to figure out what type of condition might cause this sort of thing. I've Googled it a little and it seems like sometimes people with Borderline Personality Disorder have feelings like this, but when I look at the other symptoms, it doesn't always sound like me. I guess this could be considered a change in identity perception? But I don't really have too many impulsive behaviors, and my relationships are okay. I have a great husband and a good marriage. I don't have many friends, but there might be lots of reasons right now for that. I got all the way through college. I don't know. I just don't think that's what is going on.

But I'd really love to find more out about this whole wanting to be a kid again thing. I'm hoping someone here can help give me some ideas. Thank you!

[secretgalaxy]

I don't have any advice but all I can say is that I just turned 18 and I feel the same exact way.

[onelife2live]

I have the same kind of feelings sometimes, but probably to a much lesser degree. I'd like to get an answer for this too. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but at least you're not alone! I have a feeling it could be a number of different things though.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Brianna_88

Hi! I'm new here I don't want to get deep into my past circumstances quite yet, but there's something that's been really bugging me and I thought I might get some insight here at least.

I'm in my late 20's now, but I am seriously craving all things childish/tween. I've been starting to read kid's books (right now I'm pretty into American Girl books). I love going to toy stores and have gotten a few stuffed animals and new clothes for one of my old dolls. I'm kind of thin, and I can fit into clothing from the girl's section, and so have been shopping there a little more frequently.

I don't know how to fully explain it. I'm just really obsessed with being younger again. It's been going on for a while. I try to keep it in check. I don't want to go overboard. But inside, I almost feel jealous of kids. I see girls riding bikes in the neighborhood, shopping, whatever, and feel so much yearning to go back to that kind of life. I want girl talk and sleepovers and innocence. It's totally not like a creepy paedophilia kind of thing!! I want to make that clear. It's just like I have a strong feeling that I want to be one of the girls again. I want to be that age and get to do all of those things. I want to have to worry about homework, and soccer practice, and making friendship bracelets for my best fried. I take walks in the evening and see all these great families having dinner together or hanging out in their yards, etc. and just SO want that. You know?

I don't know. It's weird. I'm having a super hard time growing up and feeling like an adult. I have a lot of stress and responsibility in my life, and I am completely responsible and adult-like most of the time, but I feel like that's not the real me. I'm playing a role then.

I almost feel like I have two different people inside of me...one that lives in the real word and is pretty adult and well adjusted, and then the younger girl who feels like she's not getting enough time to be herself. I don't know if that makes sense at all, haha. I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to figure out what type of condition might cause this sort of thing. I've Googled it a little and it seems like sometimes people with Borderline Personality Disorder have feelings like this, but when I look at the other symptoms, it doesn't always sound like me. I guess this could be considered a change in identity perception? But I don't really have too many impulsive behaviors, and my relationships are okay. I have a great husband and a good marriage. I don't have many friends, but there might be lots of reasons right now for that. I got all the way through college. I don't know. I just don't think that's what is going on.

But I'd really love to find more out about this whole wanting to be a kid again thing. I'm hoping someone here can help give me some ideas. Thank you!

around here where I live its perfectly normal at any age to want things like sleep overs, girl talk and all that stuff we did as teens. being adults can be hard sometimes with all the responsibilities, work, family and other obligations.

my wife and I full fill this by taking college classes, being members to a womens group and having sleep overs with our friends.

its relatively easy to work these kinds of things into ones life. my wife and I just go to our local college, open up the course catalog and register for what ever class we want to. when we dont have the money sometimes talking with the instructors will get us "audit" status (thats when you attend the classes, do the work but dont get graded) and sometimes if its a course that either one of us can use as part of our jobs we talk with our supervisors\bosses. who may have employee scholarships. We also fit some of the colleges community scholarships, state and federal scholarships/grants.

for the sleep overs we just talk with our friends and say hey how about a girls night out/sleep over. where should we go (one of our homes, a hotel that has enmities like spa, pool, room service....) and plan a weekend of it. imagine 8 women in our homes back porch in pj's, sleeping bags and all kinds of yummies, movies and what ever else we want to do...

my point theres no age limit on doing the things you want to do, its all a matter of if you want to do it and making it happen by reaching out to your friends and setting the plans in motion.

as for the wearing tween clothing well thats behind me thanks to having children but a good sewing machine and a college sewing class and i can have what ever clothing I want any time I want, just by visiting the local sewing and crafts store for patterns, cloth and other sewing supplies.

[avlady]

maybe it is your maternal instinct to have children, then you can play with them. i know i enjoyed watching sesame street with my son, got to read kid books, played at the park with him too. its fun

[monkeybrains21]

I am around ur age and I kno the feeling. I had no childhood so it could be that. I also kno that my wife's T, whom I've met multiple times and who even when meeting ppl se can't help but do the whole T thing. Se paid attention to everythig I did as said and watched my behavior and my wife has told me sometimes that talk about me. I don't care they can say whtever it's their time. Anyways she really believes I'm borderline. My T on the other spoke of it but never told me I was. Do I have a real diagnoses no, wish I did cuz then I'd be more proactive in learning to deal.

I was never into the girly stuff so I can't relate to that but I do relate to just wanting to be with friends and playin basketball or get into trouble. I'm an avid gamer but I do it all in cycles I've found out. I'll go heavy gaming one game for an entire month and then just abruptly stop and switch to something else. I do the same with food and exercise. It's just me and I don't kno if any of this helped but it may be a starting pt. if u have a T talk to them if not maybe find one and just to some u work.

[Brianna_88]

Thank you all for your replies! I know that maybe this isn't a result of any particular condition. It just doesn't feel quite right, and so I think there might be something deeper going on.

I did think about the maternal instinct thing. The problem is, sometimes I think of becoming a mother and it thrills me, and I realize how wonderful it'd be to live through the eyes of a child again, and get that whole experience through my child. But then, I often also think of it and get terrified! I don't know if I can handle that kind of responsibility. It's a forever thing, and is so permanent, and so important, and I'm so scared I'd mess it up, or couldn't handle it. I know to an extent, these are all normal feelings. Maybe my issue is I just think that I feel things too intensely and it takes over.

As for still partaking in some of those activities (like having homework, sleepovers, etc.) I just don't see that as a real option right now. I don't know anyone who would have sleepovers with me :P

And I'm working on seeing a new therapist right now. My last experience with one was really negative, but I do thing ultimately it'd be nice to have one. I had a kind of difficult childhood too. I have a feeling that might have at least something to do with my preoccupations now. But not everyone with a difficult childhood does this, so there must be something more to it. Is there anything else that has these kind of alter ego kind of feelings and fantasies? Or maybe there are different types of BPD that I don't know about?

I'm sorry. This stuff feels SO hard to articulate. I feel like I'm doing a pretty poor job of it :P I'll write more details about what I think I men later. But for now, thanks so much for your response!

[Brianna_88]

Oh, I forgot to say, monkeybrains21, your comment about getting into cycles of interest in certain things sounds really familiar! I tend to do that too. The things I get hung up on are kind of weird though, and still usually revolve around the whole childhood thing. Like in the early Springtime I get super into Winnie the Pooh stuff, and then come Summer (which I hate, and tend to "hibernate" through) I get obsessed with Autumn and Halloween and all things cozy and having to do with Fall. I watch a show from my childhood, Home Improvement a lot. I just crave that family life that they have in that show. Come Autumn I'm already getting excited for Christmastime and cold weather, and in the Winter I get obsessed with Christmas and also the Nutcracker (the ballet and the story and the music). And I also tend to read the same books or at least same sort of theme of books during different parts of the year. It's just compulsive. The same with music. It's like my inner life is stuck on this strange routine of self-soothing. But it just always feels not quite real enough, and not quite satisfying. It's hard living so much of your life colored through fantasy lenses. I have no idea if any of this makes any sense :S haha Thanks for letting me ramble though!

[Brianna_88]

I also create my own atmosphere a lot at home. I have a "fake" electric fireplace in my room, and I play a fireplace sound from my ipod. I am in LOVE with rainymood.com and listening to stormy weather and pretending it's a stormy day. That makes me feel really good for some reason. I burn all sorts of scented candles that usually either smell like a fireplace burning, or any kind of cozy scented candle usually (woodsy, pumpkin, spices, apples,coffee, etc.). I can get really sensitive about stuff (as in, my sense seem more heightened than a lot of other people's) but this like, controlled atmosphere I create is really nice for me... always pretending it's a cozy, stormy day. Anyway. Woo, that's enough about me for now, sorry, haha.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Brianna_88

I also create my own atmosphere a lot at home. I have a "fake" electric fireplace in my room, and I play a fireplace sound from my ipod. I am in LOVE with rainymood.com and listening to stormy weather and pretending it's a stormy day. That makes me feel really good for some reason. I burn all sorts of scented candles that usually either smell like a fireplace burning, or any kind of cozy scented candle usually (woodsy, pumpkin, spices, apples,coffee, etc.). I can get really sensitive about stuff (as in, my sense seem more heightened than a lot of other people's) but this like, controlled atmosphere I create is really nice for me... always pretending it's a cozy, stormy day. Anyway. Woo, that's enough about me for now, sorry, haha.

here where I live this is actually a therapy technique for all kinds of problems. its called self nurturing, grounding, ... when my wife and I bought the home we now have we made sure the house was bigger than what we actually needed at that time. both because we wanted to expand our family and because we wanted a very large room (we ended up having contractors knock down walls between three rooms to make one room) that we would make into what ever we needed in that moment..

this room has anything you can imagine for creating what we call mini vacations. we add to it any time we see something that may add to the atmosphere/ambiance/ roll playing/... last week we added some custom made backdrops and a custom made sandbox so that this area spanning the space of what was a bedroom before we knocked out the walls, is now a summer at the lake atmosphere complete with heat lamp over head lighting.

my point is you are not alone and it can be quite therapeutic to go with what we need in the moment like you do.