[underthestars123]

the summer of my 16th birthday i was punished for something (i can't remember what) and my parents made me sleep on the floor for 3 months, wear no makeup, stay in the house for 3 months solid without seeing friends, and I was told I wasn’t worthy enough to sit next to the dog. Also called “scum.” While this went on, my “perfect” older sister with the straight A’s became valdictorian of her high school, won beauty pageants that my parents invested thousands of dollars in, had a wonderful boyfriend of 4 years, went to a top college, and was douted over by my parents saying how wonderful and pretty and fantastic she was. At the end of that summer I had concluded that my parents no longer loved me. I felt unworthy of my birthday, and unworthy of anything that was bought for me or given to me. At the end of that summer I found a huge bump under my skin and worried it was cancer. I posted prayer requests online that everything would be ok. People contacted me and got to know me. They asked to see what I look like and I had the thought “I can look like anyone I want! I can be pretty! I can vicariously live a wonderful life! The kind of life I’d like to have.” So I sent them a picture of some pretty girl that wasn’t me. Then I had the thought that if I could somehow validate my emotional pain that I was still feeling due to that summer, if I could validate it through a tangible means like some tragic event, that would validate and give substance to how much emotional pain I felt. if i could someone validate it, then i'd be able to move on. that's how i felt. So..this is terrible I know, but I ended up telling these people online that I did indeed have cancer even though I didn’t. I thought once the story of the cancer sounded as bad as I felt emotionally, then It would be justified and given form. And I could move on. It sounds odd but it made sense at the time. So for the last 3 years or so I have been pretending to be this pretty girl who “survived cancer”. I’ve stopped now. In trying to figure out why this happened as I ‘ve been a completely mentally healthy person all my life up until that summer, I’ve come to the conclusion that I developed a bad coping mechanism to emotional pain. I was lonely because I had no friends at that new high school, and I felt unloved and unworthy by the opinions of my parents and sister. I wanted to be pretty..admired, cared for, thought to have lots of friends, and maybe just a bit of sympathy for what I had been though. Validate that I had indeed been through a painful emotional experience and that it was still continuing. I created the things I wanted in my life though my online “persona” because I couldn’t and didn’t know how to get them in real life. I know this behavior isn’t like me, and I’m very ashamed. VERY ashamed. I sought help for depression and am now on lexapro which works wonderfully. There has been a huge change in me. I do well in school now, I don’t “pretend”, and I’m working on making friends although that is difficult. My parents still fight with each other like hyenas and sometimes my mom is a little emotionally abusive..i hope I’m not overeacting on that but she will say things like I’m lazy, I’ll never become a doctor, why don’t I have a boyfriend when my sister has one, and complain to me CONSTANTLY about my dad and her mother, and every mother’s day and valentine’s day she starts in on how I don’t care about her. She also has a yearning to keep me here..i wanted to play soccer when I was 12 so she said “people die playing soccer.” I wanted to go to a bonfire so she said “someone died at a bonfire.” Or she’ll clean the house and midnight, make It look like a wreck, and then get me up early and yell at me for making the house messy. Then comes the yelling about how if I don’t pick up my stuff or remember to, how can I ever expect to become a doctor. Basically, she usually doubts everything I am trying to achieve and instead roots for my sister on anything she wants to do. However, despite all this, I am doing so much better now since I’ve been taking that medicine. My question is..do I have a disorder for all of this happening with the internet deal, or had I simply developed a bad coping mechanism. I don’t act bad anymore, but I’m worried I’m crazy..mentally ill.. and it’s scary. I hope this isn’t the case. But if it is, please tell me.

[bebop]

I am no doctor but I would say it was a way to gain attention. but what I can tell you is I was a victim of someone playing like they were something they were not. so many lies and I had come to really care about this person for who I thought she was. then the tragedy that she had died. it wasn't true either. then more tragedy in her family. none of which was true but I was so trusting and I believed no one would lie like that online. I really hope you are done with all that.

on that note don't let anyone kill your self esteem like that. keep in your mind at all times that you are somebody and you can do/be anything you want. you don't need beauty on the outside. it is what is in your heart that really matters. good luck

[Perna]

Hi, underthestars, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). I did a little bit of the same thing when I was 14 or so, I lived in California and blew up a guy I saw at the beach into a boyfriend/he taught me to surf deal (never been on a surfboard in my life :-) I had an emotionally abusive stepmother, sounds like similar deal to your mother. I only ditched that story 15-20 years ago (I'm 56-1/2 :-) I suppose when I didn't "need" it anymore.

I don't think you have a mental illness problem, you have an abusive mother problem. I would try to get "out into the world" a bit if I were you. It was very hard for me, having not seen or done anything to figure out my own life and what I wanted to do and get more than imaginary experiences under my belt. I was in therapy because I couldn't shake my stepmother's heavy influence until after she died (2001!) and all the crummy ways she and I had of relating. If the only experiences you get are those around your parents, doesn't sound like yours will be very broad either :-)

You're 19 now? Do you go to school, have a job, ??? I would work on a plan to start your own life in some way, make friends at work, etc. away from your parents' 100% influence. I still walk too fast because my stepmother and one of my older brothers did (and my mother was always yelling at me, "Keep up!" so over the years my friends have had to influence me to slow down) and there's tons of other "little" stuff that one doesn't even see that is influencing one when you stay a long time in "one place." That's only a good idea if it's a good place?

[kimmydawn]

I don't think you're mentally ill or a bad person. Good, healthy people, can make bad choices. However, isolated (even some ongoing) issues don't define what we are by a long-shot.

That's what you did...you made a bad choice out of confusion and desperation. It felt good and you indulged...like with any coping mechanism or "escape". Once it went so far, it was very hard to give it up for many other reasons as well.

I'm not saying I think what you did was "OK". I don't. I do think you've recognized it as not good and changed it...which is great!

You've ended this, and now it's time to forgive yourself with the understanding, maturity, etc. that you've gained, and move forward.

We all make mistakes, sometimes doozies, but if we're lucky we learn from them and apply them to our life experiences. It sounds like you're doing just that. Way to go!

I'm glad you've sought help for your depression. Are you in talk therapy as well? I think it would be great for a little while...someone all your own to understand...

I'm sorry life is rough at your house. I'm sorry you feel the "differences" made between yourself and your sister. Soon you'll be off to college and answering to yourself, in control of your own experiences. From your post, I've no doubt you can be anything you want to be.

KD

[southernyankee]

I agree with kimmydawn.
You sound like a very wise, strong young women who has put herself on the right path. I know from experience you will continue to need to work on getting rid of the crap dished out by family. Getting away and making your own life will help a lot. Best of luck to you and please keep us informed on how your doing.

[Crystal88]

If pretending to be someone you aren't on line makes you a bad person then there are proably no angels with halos around any on line website. Think about it we make up names for screne names and not use our real names, people are always being warned not to give out ppersional information and lie or change some things with what you want to post so that if anyone that knows you gets a computer and goes on line they wont recognize you. and other helpful tips that they give out in my college computer classes. So no you are not a bad person.

[SeptemberMorn]

UnderTheStars, I think your worst hurdle is getting over what your mother has made you believe about yourself. My mother was always comparing me to and embarassing me in front of my cousins. I'm 63 yrs old and I can still hear her say all those negative things to me when I try to step out of the box she put me in.

Somewhere along the way, I became a rebel and set about proving to myself that what I was, was good enough. I was born to live MY OWN life and not what someone else thought I should be.

I always told my kids to never settle for second best. They could be and do anything they wanted to be. I've got a son that owns a bi-coastal business and is sickenly succesful, my oldest has her Master's in teaching and two that were content to finish highschool only. Something I didn't do until after I was married.

YOU can do anything you want and be anything you want. Just don't let your mother's abuse keep you down! It sounds to me that it's your mother that has a mental illness, NOT YOU!

Onward and upward!

[(JD)]

((((underthestars))))

you have an abusive mom. and it sounds as if she's in severe need of psychiatric help. we are a product of our environment.

what you did online was very wrong. it is never okay to fool/play with people that way. BUT, you weren't an adult and you stopped. i'd look at it much differently if you were grown and decided to play gun and games with people's heads. you were desperate for attention and then you stopped. good for you!

if you can find a counselor to talk to IRL, i'd suggest that. or a trusted relative. your mom is playing games with your head.

work at school and then off to college..where you can be your own boss and make your decisions. good luck, oxoxoxo pat

[Soidhonia]

((((((((UNDERTHESTARS))))))))) hello and welcome to Psych Central. The best part of the experience is that you are willing to get the help you need at this time. Take care of yourself. Soidhonia

i meant "fun and games".......sorry for the typo........pat